This Christmas miracle is at least two-fold. There’s the obvious financial blessing, but it goes much deeper than that. Maybe a better way of explaining it would be a multi-layered blessing or miracle if you will.
Let’s go back to before we got pregnant. Some of this story may be repetitive from previous posts, but it’s relevant to the miracle that took place. So before we ever conceived, I was okay with not having children. I wanted them, but was okay if it didn’t happen. Then we did conceive and our son was stillborn at 6 months gestation. The Lord gives and takes away. So be it. I can accept that. However, something in me had awoken… or awaken – which is the correct grammar here? Anyway, I had a glimpse, a taste, of the love a mother feels for her child. It was like trying an addictive something or other and I wanted more. I still do. That feeling of being okay if we don’t have kids no longer existed. Wanting children became my heart’s cry.
Here we are, close to two years since we lost our son. I’ve had a couple words spoken over me recently. Both were something to the tune of, “everything I’ve been through has prepared me for the people God is sending me to so I can minister out of a place of knowing and brokenness.” In all honesty, I add a whole new meaning to first the natural, then the spiritual. My flesh screams out & reacts while my spirit remains calm & soaks things in for a while before responding. So when I received said words, my flesh immediately scoffed, “Screw those people! I want my baby back!!” Yeah, I know. Not my proudest moment. But God knows the intents of the heart and He knows I always choose Him (His will) above anything else in this world. So I’ve been dealing with trying to accept the possibility that maybe having children just isn’t in the cards for us. Maybe God wants us free to be able to do other things in a different capacity.
We’ve tried every wives tale and had every fertility test imaginable. Doctors say there’s no reason why we can’t conceive. My age doesn’t help. My eggs are getting dusty apparently. 🙂 I’ve been in a place recently where I’ve been incredibly discouraged and have had only a glimmer of hope as it relates to having children, completely dependent on the prayers of others. I couldn’t be more grateful for that actually. I can’t even count the number of people I know who are praying for us, believing God to give us the desire of our hearts. I had even considered that maybe God’s promises don’t apply to me and thought maybe His promises are for most, but not all. I’ve quoted every Scripture I could find to remind God about the blessing of children. Clearly, that didn’t work. So I kind of just gave up, hung my head, and walked away from trying to conceive. Yet, in my spirit, still holding on to that one minuscule fiber of hope.
Yesterday, my mom told me she was in Home Depot when some random old guy struck up a conversation with her. His name was Lionel. He asked if she had grandchildren and she told him that her daughter lost a baby almost 2 years ago. He began to tell her that 8 is the number of new beginnings and next year is going to be our new beginning. He promised to be praying for us to have a baby in 2018. He quoted Scriptures about the inheritance of children. This sounded like a wonderful conversation that I wish I could’ve overheard. I told my mom I receive everything this Lionel person said.
Probably around the same time, unbeknownst to me, an angel on earth was doing the most kind act of love for me. When I left my mom’s house and came home, I finally checked the messages on my phone. One was from an acupuncture clinic. I’ve heard miraculous stories of how people claim acupuncture helped with fertility. I’ve always wanted to try it, but we just don’t have the funds. Again, this adds to the plethora of reasons why I’ve been so discouraged. We can’t afford hardly any fertility treatment options. Anyway, this message stated that someone, an anonymous someone, donated three months worth of unlimited acupuncture sessions for me. 3 months – unlimited. Do y’all know how much that costs? More than I could afford. This news immediately caused the dam to break and the floodgates to open. I burst into tears and thanked God repetitively. I called my husband when I could gather my composure, but it wasn’t well enough, because he thought someone died due to my excessive crying.
Of course, this financial blessing allows me to participate in a treatment that otherwise would’ve been impossible. That’s the first part of my Christmas miracle. That’s enough in and of itself. The underlying blessing is that God instantaneously ignited that hope that was all but burned out. I believe He led me to walk away from the stress and even the idol of having children. I also believe He is a God of miracles and He wanted to show me, again for the gazillionth time, how much He loves me. He used a person, an insanely generous and selfless person, to remind me that He hasn’t forgotten about me. He does answer prayers and the desires of our hearts. He is a God of His promises. He’s not a man that He should lie.
Maybe acupuncture won’t work, but I have hope. I’m willing to try it. I have renewed faith in my God. I choose to cling to His promises and believe that He will bring forth my Isaac. I don’t know what that’s gonna look like. I don’t know how He’s going to do it. My Isaac may not be a child. Maybe it’ll be spiritual children one day when we are in the ministry. I don’t know. But I do know God gave me a Christmas miracle. He gave me hope and a renewed confidence in His love for me.
And many many thanks to the person who did this for me. My heart is overwhelmed with gratitude. You have no idea how much your gift has changed my life, my heart, and my outlook. I hope you see this, whoever you are. 🙂