Good Grief – Really June 9, 2009

this is kind of an addendum to my last post about a heartcry . . .

Friday night after church I started crying on the way home mostly because I was stressed but also I am often surprised at the times when grief rises up out of my heart and finds its way down my cheeks. I thought I was crying because I was overwhelmed, but as I started telling the hubby what was wrong – I realized I was releasing some tears that just needed to find their way out. There’s just a lot of things I don’t talk about because I figure no one wants to hear about it or would be judging me for continuing to grieve over something that happened years ago. I dunno, but I call it healthy.

So since I don’t really talk about it, I thought I’d try it out on my brand new shiny husband. I first was telling him how a car accident on Friday really got to me. Three teenagers were killed – one of them was a student my brother taught. It is just too reminiscent of Keri and Dan’l. Also, a little over a week ago on a Sunday - a lady in our church lost everything she owns to a house fire (reminder – ladies turn off your dryer before leaving the house).  Anyway, my heart so hurt for her and I realized also that a LOT of tragedies have happened on Sundays. Dan’l’s accident was on Sunday, August 19th. Jenna’s accident was on Sunday, February 17th (exactly 6 mos. after Dan’l), then my dad died on Sunday, August 17th (exactly 6 mos. after Jenna and 1 yr. after Dan’l). Strange, huh?

So I haven’t gotten to my point yet and I apologize, but I’m working on it . . .  so I was in the car telling hubby how every year I write a card to Keri around the same time. Her birthday is May 27th and she died less than a week later on June 2nd (4 days before she graduated high school). She would’ve been 30 this year. The card this year had a kitten on the front with a sad face and said “there’s something missing in my life” and on the inside – it says “YOU”. Every year, it’s a similar card. One of my favorites was Winnie the Pooh on the outside and it showed Piglet way far off in the distance.  It said “I’m here, you’re there” and on the inside it said, “No Fair”. So I’m sure you get the point by now – it’s always a card about how much I miss her. So I wrote in the card this year about my wedding and how I wondered what she would be doing with her life if she were still here. Then I wrote to her how I know she’s exactly where she’s supposed to be doing what she was meant to do, “Dancing in the presence of the Lord” as her headstone reads. I miss her grace as she danced.

(rabbit trail here) Last night, the news was on and I was listening to one of the kids that was just released from the hospital. She was in the accident with the others that were killed. There were 9 kids in the car, 3 died, 3 in critical condition still, 2 are out of the hospital, and 1 is still in fair condition. Anyway – I watched what she had to say and then completely lost it when they were talking about the accident. I had to change the channel. It’s so odd to me how most of the time I am okay but then all of a sudden something triggers grief from 11 years ago.

So back to the conversation in the car with the hubby. Let’s see – I told him about the card. Then I told him that Dan’l’s birthday is this month. That’s just hard for me. I’m not sure why. Then the conversation carried on to talking about my dad. It’s just becoming more real for me around Father’s Day. My siblings are all meeting at my brother’s house in NC for Father’s Day because he’s the only one of us that is a father and we wouldn’t ask him to meet us somewhere away from his children and grandkids. I never really gave much thought to Father’s Day before, but this year it has a certain twinge of pain attached to it. I got my brother a father’s day card which was okay and I was only reminded as I was walking away from the card aisle that I’ll never buy my dad another Father’s Day card again. Then another day, I was trying to help the hubby find a card for his dad. It was fine until I found the perfect card for my dad. I slowly put it back on the shelf and had to quit helping the hubby at that point.

As far as my dad’s estate stuff goes – I’m hoping it’s coming to an end, but as excited as that makes me – I’m a little sad about it too. We sold the rental and are just waiting to close on the house. I also gave the grandkids the share that dad left them. It was so bitter sweet yesterday when my nephew called me because he had just gotten the check in the mail. I said “Hello” and he said “Thank you Aunt Dana!”. We talked for a minute about what he wants to do with his money. He’s 17, so I figured the car would be the answer. He told me thank you again and I just told him to thank Granddad. I could hear the sadness in his voice too when he said “yeah”. He loved my dad so much. He was the only grandson and my dad lived with my sister and him the last year of his life. Anyway (geez, I didn’t mean to get so depressing - I’m actually in a very happy mood), the sad part about the stuff slowing down is that I won’t have any more bills of his or anything tying me to his recent life. Everything will become a memory instead of something new I have to do that’s related to my dad.

I guess the moral of this very long story or collision of thoughts if you will is that it’s okay to grieve when you need to – if it’s 11 years later or only 10 months later. I don’t dwell on this as much as you’d think by reading my posts. Writing is a way for me to work out my grief so the times you see a post about it is probably the only time it ever comes up – and it’s a good grief.

recent reminders of a heartcry May 18, 2009

I suppose it all started on Friday when my mom and I were discussing my wedding.  She was talking about Dan’l’s mom and I was so blessed that his parents drove 3 hrs. just for me.  She told my mom of what a blessing I’ve been to them, but if she only knew how much they mean to me.  Anyway, later that night at church we sang an old song we used to sing in the Baptist youth group what seems like a lifetime ago.  As the lyrics came out of my mouth, tears streamed down my face.  I could almost hear Dan’l singing “As the deer panteth for the water, so my soul longeth after Thee.  You alone are my heart’s desire and I long to worship You.  You alone are my strength, my shield, to you alone may my spirit yield.  You alone are my heart’s desire and I long to worship You.”  (I think those are the lyrics, but don’t quote me even if it is in quotation marks).  He seemed so close like I could almost touch him.  As I sang, my heart was flooded with sweet memories of my dear friend and how much I treasured his friendship and cherished his place in my heart.  Even now as I type, my eyes well up with tears. 

The next day I was knee deep in my dad’s rental house affairs.  I don’t want to get into it – I think I get a new grey hair every time I talk about it.  Long story short, I was looking for some paperwork and came across a couple papers in my dad’s handwriting of repairs he intended to make on the rental.  The tears came again.  I think of my dad every day as I don’t have a choice dealing with all of his business, but seeing his handwriting made me actually think about him and how I miss him so terribly.  I miss calling him with questions about car insurance or what’s the best way to season and make fresh mahi or telling him about the possibility of moving to another state.  I just miss him, that’s all.

So Sunday morning came and the radio woke me up to an old worship song that we used to sing at FCA in high school.  My friend Keri always requested “Seek ye first the kingdom of God and His righteousness and all these things shall be added unto you, Halleu-Hallelujah.”  I always requested to sing the Grin Again Gang song because it was just fun, but not meaningful at all.  So as the song on the radio continued its melody, my heart began to sing to the tune of the friendship, the sisterhood I once shared with Keri.  Good grief, we could fight!  But we were sisters.  Her mom and sister were also at the wedding.  Her sister did my hair and I must say I was quite ravishing!  They were fighting back tears a little on the video when telling us congratulations and how much I mean to them.  They are family to me.

I then saw a little girl after church again that I saw the previous week for the first time.  She looks nothing like our adorable little Jenna from the front, but last week I almost gasped when I saw this little girl walk past.  I somehow caught the attention of Jenna’s mom and asked if she had seen this child.  She looked at me with such longing eyes and we talked about how almost uncanny this child is to Jenna from behind.  If only her hair were a shade or two lighter with curls.  I was thinking that there are so many adorable little girls, but none have matched the “adorability” (a word I think I just made up) of Jenna.  She could make any day brighter even in her worst of moods by just being so stinkin adorable!

I was talking to the hubby about this yesterday because he knows I’ve had a sadness about me this weekend.  I think somewhere in the business of my life, grief has been supressed – or at least put on the back burner.  Maybe I’m empathizing a little bit because you can see a hint of sadness or maybe a bit of pain even behind the laughter in the eyes of the parents of all these that I so dearly love.  All of them love the Lord dearly and walk daily in His wonderful grace.  It doesn’t mean there’s no healing; its just a heartcry for those who can never be replaced in our lives and an anxiousness to get to Heaven and embrace them once again.

Wedding of my Dreams (and honeymoon too)! May 7, 2009

Yes, I know – everyone wants to see pictures.  Unfortunately, I do not have any yet and if I did, I’m not talented enough to post them on here, so I usually redirect people to facebook or myspace to see pics.

The week before the wedding was extremely hectic and emotional.  All the hard work paid off though because everything went smoothly the day of my wedding. . . even the minor incidentals like one of my buttons popping off my wedding gown.  At least it was the bottom one next to the zipper, so no one could notice.  Those little things usually don’t bother me anyway.  My heart was bursting with appreciation and awe at the people that drove for hours to enjoy our little love fest and at the people that worked tirelessly for days to make all my dreams come true.  I kept wondering why we didn’t just elope, but after the wedding I’m so grateful that we didn’t.

It was at my family’s farm in SC as I’d always planned.  Some of the details I wasn’t thrilled about didn’t seem to matter in the end anyway.  We had white chairs and I wanted wooden chairs.  That’s okay though, pretty much everyone had a place to sit under the shade of towering pecan trees with a breeze blowing.  My best friend of 14 years or so was my matron and her daughters carried my train for me.  The now hubby’s brother was his best man.  Our beloved pastor performed the ceremony, complete with a time of worship.  I walked down the aisle by myself with a charm around my bouquet of my dad holding me as a baby to a song that so adequately describes the love story of Jesus and His Bride.  My hubby wore his uniform, in which I’d never seen him before so it was a first for both of us seeing the other.  He forgot to wear his white gloves, but that worked out anyway due to the exchange of rings.  We both had tears in our eyes as I approached closer and closer.  We wrote our own vows that I haven’t stopped hearing about how sweet and precious they were.  My precious Sumi-friend sang a song during communion I recruited her for years ago, so I’m sure she was happy to see the fruition of that promise finally be over.  hehehe.  Oh, and everyone kept making fun of me for pouring the sand instead of the unity candle, but it turned out to be a wise decision.  If we had candles, the wind would’ve surely blown them out, so yay for me on that one!!  We walked out to the tune of “Linus and Lucy”, the Peanuts theme song and people chuckled.  I just think it’s always been such a happy little number. 

The reception was nearby in the yard.  The wind kept blowing over my portrait, so now the frame is brutally scarred, but that’s okay.  It has more character now.  The picture boards that I made (actually, I picked out the pictures and a couple wedding elves put them together for me) didn’t get put out til the end due to the wind.  One had the song lyrics of a little diddy I wrote for my dad several years ago as he lived on the opposite side of the country.  The basic chorus says, “Through the years and the tears and the distance in between us, I will always be your little girl.”  It was surrounded by pictures of my dad and I from birth until the last few years.  The other picture board had a poem I wrote for my late Paw-Paw and his wife, Louise (no blood relation, but I claim them as my real grandparents).  The poem is called the Imprints and is about letting people go when they die, knowing that their life goes on in the Heavenly arms of our Father.  This picture board was peppered with pictures of loved ones lost in my life and in my hubby’s.  It was kind of my way of honoring the place these people hold in my heart still and I know they would’ve been there in person if they could. 

Anyway, we had 5 different flavored cakes all made by family members and all are my favorite kinds of cake!  There was a huge bowl full of fresh strawberries from down the road.  The punch was delicious (it was strawberry too).  The meal was absolutely wonderful thanks to my uncle.  It was boston butt bbq, chicken perlot rice, and green beans (I think).  My uncles also cooked the night before for the rehearsal dinner.  We had fried fish down at the pond on the farm and my wonderful mother-in-law made all the fixins!  It was lovely.  I forgot to mention the brunch the day of the wedding.  I invited family and friends I consider family to a brunch on a pecan orchard.  The lady there served us homemade goodies in the likeness of a “tea”.  I gave gifts to everyone and wanted to say something sentimental about each one, but I started to cry at the first person I came to, so that didn’t really happen.

Back to the reception, we had a few people toast – not as many as I had hoped, but that’s okay.  I cried at a few people’s comments of course.  We danced later on to our first dance which was “At Last” by Etta James.  We were talking about something and just realized yesterday that we didn’t even take the time to enjoy the dance.  The flip flops I was wearing rubbed a hole in my toe – I think that happened when my brother and I were shagging (that is a dance) to Carolina Girl.  Hubby and his mom danced to the Hawaiian version of Over the Rainbow.  I tried to do something really sweet for my best friend, but it was a bust because the DJ only had the remix of a very slow and intimate song.  Oh well.  My mom caught the bouquet and our videographer caught the garter (while filming mind you).  We found the garter when we opened our camera to watch the wedding yesterday.  He’ll get it back sometime unexpectedly we decided.  As we left, we were showered with bubbles and lavender buds.  My hair looked incredible, but it took forever after we got home to get all the stuff out of it because of the hairspray and curls.  So off we went in my Git-R-Done car straight to the car wash where I changed out of my cute little leaving dress into jeans and a t-shirt (finally).  Hubby just changed into his flip flops.  We then drove home to Jax over the next 3.5 hrs which only seemed like the blink of an eye because we chatted the whole way home.  We had barely seen each other up til the point of the wedding because we were working so hard to get everything done in time.  We caught up on the weeks events and shared what people had said to us and that kind of thing.

The next morning came and we headed off to Orlando for a much needed getaway.  We were SO EXHAUSTED.  We slept all afternoon after checking in.  We stayed at a 2 bedroom condo and our bathroom had a jacuzzi tub which I used A LOT.  I don’t even have a bathtub at our apartment, so I took advantage while I could.  The next few days were filled with sleeping, renting movies, Islands of Adventure, Putt-Putt, going to a chick flick, Planet Hollywood, and back home.  Oh, well we did have to do that annoying little time share tour with a pushy sales person, but other than that we thoroughly enjoyed ourselves.  We came home to a very disappointing empty house.  Somehow, we assumed it would be filled with presents for us to open, but instead they were at my mom’s house.  So we brought in our luggage and went to get our presents.  It took a long time to open them all when we got home and then we watched the wedding while drinking leftover wine from the ceremony. 

Now, we’re forced to get back into the daily grind.  Hubby is at work.  I need to clean and tend to my dad’s estate stuff and should probably go to work for a few hours at least.  I’m still ecstatic that I don’t start school until Tuesday again, so I can enjoy a stress-free weekend!  Plus, it’s my very last class before I graduate.  After that, I can try to make a wedding scrapbook or something.  Hopefully, tonight we can make it to the stores to return some very lovely, but not needful gifts.  We went through our registry last night and decided on a few things we REALLY wanted, so that’s the plan.  Plus there’s mother’s day and his siblings birthday – so we need to get a few gifts. 

I’ll let y’all know how the real honeymoon goes when it happens . . . Montana in October!!

$50.00 April 22, 2009

So we had a guest speaker at church that was nothing less than absolutely phenomenal!!  Anyway, the fiance’ felt to give him $50.00 which is fine with me, but I wasn’t exactly sure where we’d get it.  We had it, but an oil change would have to be put off until the next paycheck and blah, blah, blah. 

Then I came home from work on Friday and the fiance’ said there was a card from my landlord’s sister with whom we’ve hung out with like once.  It was a really sweet card with a $50.00 bill inside for the wedding!!

I told the fiance’ to just put the whole thing in the offering for the guest speaker if he wanted to, but he wanted to make sure we had enough to cover bills and the wedding – I just told him not to worry about it and I know the Lord will provide.

So just short of a week later, the fiance’ was reading the Bible that’s in the bathroom.  When he came out, he was extremely surprised to find a $50.00 in it!!  He asked if I knew anything about it and I just said yeah, that was my dad’s Bible (as if that was enough information to suffice) and told him to just consider it a wedding gift from him.  The fiance’ just looked at me with a blank face as I obviously did not clear anything up with my statement, so I went on to explain.  I didn’t know the money was in there, but I did know my dad always kept cash in his Bible(s) as he was a child during the Great Depression.  I thought I cleaned his Bibles out of hundreds of dollars immediately after he passed, but I obviously missed this bill.  The only other explanation that my fiance’ thinks is way more cool is that Jesus supernaturally put it in there.  It is a bit odd that neither of us has ever happened upon it as we both read that Bible in the bathroom.

Either way, we agree how awesome it is that a generous thought turned into provision for that thought and an obedient action turned into yet another surprise provision.  I was reminded of something I heard my pastor’s pastor said once (or a dozen times) . . . that if you just let all the money that comes your way flow out, then you’ll see more and more money flow in, but you have to keep the flow going in order to see more of a flow – if that makes any sense, that was my paraphrase.

time to blog April 16, 2009

I actually have time to blog, can you believe it??  Too bad I’m on my brother’s laptop and can’t upload any pics.    I’m at my mom’s doing laundry and I have a cold.  I’m all by myself too.  YAY! 

So lately, I’ve been a bit nervous about getting married, but I hear that cold feet are quite common.  I don’t doubt my soon to be hubby – I doubt myself (as usual).  I’m just so scared of making a mistake and this is the most important decision of my life!  When I was talking to him about it this afternoon, he assured me that there will always be someone that is smarter, wittier, more attractive, patient and wealthy, but that God put us together.  haha, that doesn’t sound like encouragement, but trust me – it put my heart at ease.  Sometimes the “what if’s” get so loud, I can’t hear the symphony of love in my heart.  Stinkin devil!! 

Anyway, I can’t think of a single person that hasn’t sent us blessings and love.  Everyone I know is going out of their way to make my day special and let me know how happy they are for me.  It truly warms my heart.  I’m signing off for now to get back to the laundry and I wanted to play the piano a little (which I never get to do anymore) . . .

nothing to say really March 24, 2009

here it is almost the end of march and i haven’t written a thing.  i decided i’m not in the mood for capitalization or my usual over-usage of commas and hyphens. i’m only writing because i’m so anal that i don’t want any blank or skipped months in my archives.  anyway, my heart is warmed by all the people helping with showers and the tremendous over the top gifts i’ve, um we, have received thus far.  we decided to stay in my little tiny apartment for the time being.  my landlords practically begged us to stay and it will save us tons of money. 

i’m so desperate for a change of scenery.  change of something.  i know that moving to another state won’t make me feel any better due to the old green grass adage.  in my mind, it’s a much better place though.  even a different apartment or something.  i’m actually really excited about staying in this apartment because i HATE moving.  the location issue doesn’t bother me, just the mountains of boxes.  hmm, those commas slipped right back in here didn’t they?  oh well.  a leopard doesn’t change its spots i suppose.  back to my apartment – we’ve decided that we want to redecorate and get a new bed and tv.  these are wonderful ideas that cost money we don’t have right now so i’m praying for that.  we should have it by the summer though.  especially if the mr. will let me go ahead and take on his finances too, but i don’t want to strip him of the last piece of freedom he has – God bless him.

so i’m in a very blah mood today and not wanting to do anything.  this usually comes after a day or fourteen of going nonstop.  yet, i trod on like the rest of humanity.  hehe, i just realized how terribly melancholy i sound today.  yesterday i was on top of the world.  today – notsomuch.  okey dokey.  i’m talking a lot to have nothing to say, so guess i’ll head on to the place i call work and try to avoid doing any.  really – i’m very talented at that!  however, last week i had a rush of adrenaline or something and did tons of work.  i’m still not sure what came over me.  i think it hit me again how grateful i am to have a job. 

i need a nap.
by the way – you might be surprised at all the things a spell checker checks – like capitalization.  this post was bleeding red.

Sabbath February 23, 2009

At my church it is taught and I believe the principle to be true that the Sabbath is a state of mind – a place we find spiritually where rest and peace rule supreme no matter the circumstances.  My mom has always taught me that the Sabbath Day rest should be honored and no type of work or shopping or cleaning should happen that day.  She’s a lot more relaxed about it now, but today I have a new outlook thanks to her guidance. 

Lately, I have been beyond overwhelmed and stretched to the limit.  I am not complaining because I am perfectly content with everything in my life right now – there’s just a lot to deal with any given day of the week.  Dealing with all the affairs in my personal life is a full time job in and of itself without having to actually go to a job (which I also do).  I usually can deal with it because I know it is only for a few more months and the rest of my life will not be this way. 

So today I had planned to get up and go straight to work.  It is absolutely WONDERFUL being able to set my own hours!!  After I fed and let my dog out, ate breakfast, and did just a few minutes of homework, I retreated to my bed once again.  I read only about a chapter in Proverbs before dozing off to sleep again.  I wasn’t asleep very long when I awoke and realized – I am exhausted with my life.  I could have gotten up and gone to work, but I NEEDED rest.  I think I got a whole of ten hours sleep over the entire weekend.  At that point, I decided I was going to stay in the bed and not go to work until after lunch.  I kept waking up though and most people would have gotten out of the bed and finally started the day – but I’m not most people.  I was forcing myself to stay in the bed regardless of my to do list which is always at the forefront of my mind.  I’m not sure if anyone realizes this, but demanding yourself to stay IN the bed is just as difficult as making yourself get out of the bed.

I eventually drifted away again to a very disturbing dream of which I’ll spare you the details.  I got up around noon and had lunch and now here I am.  Maybe if it were possible for me to stay in a state of peace regardless of my never-ending demands, I wouldn’t be so desperate – but right now I feel completely at peace with taking one day of the week (or a half day even) for myself to do absolutely nothing . . . no homework, no church meetings, no bills, no wedding plans, no lawyers or banks or plumbers or renters or airlines or even family to deal with.  I need to make time at least once a week if not more frequently to sit in the silence and enjoy the peace.

Many people can and do live their lives even more busy than I am.  I’m not intentionally trying to compare, but the bottom line is that I just cannot do it anymore.  I can’t be at church 5 nights a week like many others from my church.  I just can’t.  I can’t work 40 hours a week like the rest of America.  I just can’t.  Physically and emotionally, I need a Sabbath rest in my life – a literal one. 

Lately, even when I’m at church I am bombarded with voices and lies in my head that I constantly have to hold before the throne of grace.  It’s tiresome.  Many times I try to be more like my fiance’ because I admire his passion, enthusiasm, and innocence toward the things of God.  I feel mostly cynical though.  Seriously, he studies before work, during his breaks & lunch, then comes home and worships and studies the Word until he goes to a church meeting at night.  Not only do I not have the time or energy to do that – I don’t have the desire.  We are in different stages spiritually though and we were talking the other day about the wonderful balance we bring to each other as a man and a woman.  I was explaining the thoughts I have every time I’m at church and how hard it is.  He was explaining how when that happens to him, he just shrugs it off and lets it come in one ear and out the other with no inkling of an emotion about it.  I explained to him that women are wired completely differently.  With every thought of judgment or cynicism toward people come emotions of doubt, bitterness, resentment, anger, disappointment, and fear.  EVERY thought has an emotion attached to it.  So not only do I have to let go of the thought – I have to speak to that emotion.  The fiance’ is so sweet though – he says there’s no way he could do that and that I’m a stronger person than he.  Go figure – we have the same opinion of each other.  The point here is that I need a Sabbath rest – an entire state of mind. 

Today, the fiance’ came home from lunch (since I left him a message asking him to do so).  He gave me a big consuming hug and said, “You’re doing a great job.  You’re going be okay.  I really do think you’re doing great.”  My response was, “You don’t think I’m just being lazy?  I promise I’ll get everything done.”  He doesn’t even care what I do or don’t do.  He truly just loves me for who I am.  He’s so encouraging.  This post wasn’t supposed to be all about him.  I just have no idea how I could deal with everything right now if it weren’t for him.  Well, I wouldn’t be planning a wedding – that’s for sure!  hehe

Mostly, I stress myself out by my constant change from a type B to a type A person.  I used to be SOO laid back and a huge procrastinator.  Now I am nothing of the sort.  I suppose at times I can be laid back, but I rarely procrastinate anymore.  Nothing would ever get done by deadlines if I did that – because of the insurmountable amount of things to do.  I hate asking for the fiance’s help with stuff because he works 40 hours a week and goes to church every night of the week.  I’m not asking him to stop either of those things.  He does what he can when he can, but he’s usually good at taking time to play his video games or read or watch a movie when he needs a break.  I need to learn to do the same instead of criticizing and demanding that time for myself (which I’m really not even that demanding if you know me). 

Anyway, I just thought I’d let y’all know that I plan on slowing down a little bit when I need to – maybe cut back on church meetings and relax about rushing to get wedding stuff done.  I’ll even plan more time to write and worship like I love to do.  Most of all, I’m learning to have a good Sabbath rest - literally and spiritually.

It’s a tough job February 20, 2009

My job is fairly remedial.  I audit charts and look for missing pieces of information or mistakes before we bill Medicare.  That’s pretty much it.  Almost every day though, I find myself needing to take a breather or do something to get my mind off my current thoughts.  Since these are all Medicare patients, some of them have similar illnesses to that of my dad.  I am caught off guard by thoughts of my dad the last month of his life… swollen, dialysis, feeding tube, respirator, c-pap, tracheotomy, not eating, not understanding, ornery, silent, stubborn, scared and alone. 

Every day – and only when I’m at work – these thoughts haunt me.  I have no regrets with the treatment we chose.  I really don’t have any regrets of anything about my relationship with my dad.  I said the things that needed to be said while he was still coherent.  He did too.  I really just wish he were hit by a bus or something.  No child should ever have to see a parent in that type of condition.  It changes you.  I can’t imagine what it must be like for people whose parents have demensia or alsheimers.  My dad was really out of it the last month talking about crazy things, seeing things that weren’t there, not able to have a comprehensible conversation with his children.  It was mostly the medicines they had him on.  He was fine until he went into the hospital – mentally speaking. 

I kind of think he knew it was time, but never admitted it to me.  He was always my dad – protecting my feelings.  Anyway, back to the work thing.  I don’t mind the work, but the memories of my dad’s last days are overwhelming at times.  I try to take every thought captive, but sometimes it’s a struggle.  Almost every day I find myself with tears in my eyes, but they don’t always find their way down my cheeks.  I swallow the lump in my throat and go on with my day.  No one ever knows.  Maybe it is something I need to think on at times as part of a grief process.  Every once in a while I think on accidents that took the lives of a couple of my friends.  Were they scared? 

So I try to distract myself with thoughts of my dad from my childhood – or anytime before the hospital.  I think of him now and how wonderfully happy and at peace he must be.  I know my dad is proud of me.  I’ve been so blessed to have heard him say and know in my heart how much he loves me – still.  I try to think on these things instead of the nightmarish month of August.  I try to think on the relationships built with my siblings that month and how faithful and present God was and is.  My relationship with Him grew so deeply and intimately during that time.  This is what I try to redirect my thoughts to. 

No matter how I change the subject or try to distract myself, sometimes the haunting thoughts remain while I’m sitting in front of that computer filling out paperwork.  It’s a tough job.

My Fairy Tale February 9, 2009

I’ve been told on more than one occasion to not put any hope into fairy tale dreams coming true.  I even heeded the advice as I began to believe that fairy tales are just that – tales that are not reality.  They were wrong.  I was wrong.  I have been a damsel in distress and I have been rescued and swept off my feet by my knight in shining armor. 

He watched me from a distance and he watched me up close, when I didn’t know he was even looking at me.  I really had no idea the bad way I was in until he came along and shed light on everything around me.  It’s like I was in the dark and he came in and turned the light on.  Now I know love – what it really is – and it’s more wonderful than what is in the fairy tale stories because it’s real.  He knows me inside and out, sometimes better than I know myself and never forces himself or his opinions on me.  He waits for me quietly and patiently to give him my heart a little at a time, when I feel that I can trust him with it.

He loves me so purely and unconditionally, it is not like anything I’ve ever seen in any other love story or marriage.  He tells me when I’m wrong and supports me when I’m alone.  He is my protector and defender.  He listens to me go on and on about unimportant, petty things.  He lets me ramble about how upset I get over life’s situations.  He lets me cry on his shoulder.  Sometimes he cries with me and sometimes he wipes the tears away as he holds me so tenderly.

When I’m in the room with him, my heart is filled with joy and peace.  It’s more than being in love.  He makes me comfortable being me – in all of my holiness and in all of my worthlessness.  I feel safe and secure when I’m in his arms.  I don’t deserve him or his love.  I do the best I can to tell him and show him how I feel in return, but I think I fail miserably.  The thing is – he doesn’t even care.  He just enjoys loving me – for nothing in return – just because he loves me that much.  He is wise and showers me with sweet nothings in my ear.  He takes care of my every need and even gives me my heart’s desires.  He even surprises me with little whims.  I want for nothing.

He is the only one I can trust when others fail me and miss the mark of righteousness.  When I’m disappointed or betrayed by people I esteem and admire, he is there to comfort me.  He reminds me that he really is all I need - not to pull me away from other relationships, but to put them in perspective.  He encourages my life with rich friendships and time with family.  I also know that none of these are as important as my relationship with him and he is always first in my life.

I don’t know how I ever survived without him.  I don’t know how I don’t miss him more when we’re apart.  He makes my life worth living.  You might be surprised to hear that I’m not talking about my fiance’ – although he is a wonderful example of all these traits.  I’m talking about the love of my life, the one that makes my dreams come true, my precious husband – Jesus.

Buttons, of the Belly sort January 31, 2009

First, let me clue you in on my train of thought so you don’t think I’m completely crazy.  (I don’t mind if you think I’m a little crazy – who isn’t these days?)

Breakfast with girlfriends from church
Sitting next to a close friend and fellow blogger
Conversation about comments on each other’s blogs
Later in the day, thinking of comments and blogging
Thinking of comment I left on friend’s blog about her son’s belly button infection
Now we arrive at my current thoughts . . .

Who named the belly button?  Why is it called a button?  It doesn’t look like a button.  It doesn’t have the same function of a button.  It doesn’t feel like a button.  It is not shaped like a button.  Why would someone think it is okay to call it a belly button??  Is it keeping something closed?

I dunno, but I think someone got a lot of credit for a dumb idea.