Little things bother me that I do my best to ignore every day, like when people write your and you’re incorrectly. I do want to let them know the correct way to use those words and words like them, but I refrain.

The biggest thing that’s been bothering me lately (namely because of all the posts I see on my niece’s facebook page) is about angels. I also refrain from saying anything to people making posts about Nina being an angel now because I think that it helps them in some way to believe that. However, it is completely wrong theologically speaking. Nowhere in the Scriptures does it say people turn into angels upon death. Angels are created beings just as we are. If people think they turn into angels when they die – then they basically believe in reincarnation. It’s like saying an apple will turn into an orange. They’re made of completely different compositions. Furthermore, nowhere in the Scripture is there a female angel… Michael, Gabriel, etc.

In many places, angel is used instead of the word messenger which should be the proper translation. So in that sense, a person can be an angel – as a messenger. But not with fluffy white wings and a gown. I don’t mind calling people “angel” either if they are a gift from God or a really well behaved child. I’m talking about when people seriously, honestly believe people become angels. I even saw a post about a person who prays to Nina. Trust me, she would be the first to say STOP IT! That’s just silly!! Only God can answer prayers. I personally also don’t believe our loved ones are protecting us from anything – again that job belongs to my Heavenly Father and the actual angels He delegates.

I know these false concepts and beliefs help people with their grief, but it helps me to know that Nina and others are still themselves worshiping at the throne of God.

http://nwm-alaska.wikispaces.com/

www.nwmalaska.blogspot.com
www.narrowwayministries.org

Anyway, it’s been quite the challenge in getting here and we’ve met a lot of opposition on the way, but we still know this is where the Lord wants us. Now that we’re here, there’s some adjusting. We’ve been staying with other people living out of suitcases for a few weeks. We’re trying to settle in as much as possible while living with hubs family here in Juneau. It’s a tight squeeze with 4 adults and 2 children in a 2 bedroom/1 bath apartment. It’s an adjustment for everyone, but I like to think it’s harder for me. (of course because I’m a princess). Hubs and I are so used to being alone and obviously with no children. Before marriage, I lived alone for 7 years. Before that though, I lived with my pastor’s family for a couple years and they had 4 children. So if I can do that, surely I can live with family. It’s really been easy – after the initial shock wore off. We’re actually looking for a large house we can all share and split the cost. That would save a lot of money as the cost of living is REALLY high here in AK. The weather isn’t that bad – YET. Right now it feels like NC winters which I can handle. That’s nice because it’s slowing me into the colder weather. Sunset at 4pm is totally weird. Also, the jet-lag is finally starting to wear off. I’ve not seen any bears yet – but I think they might be preparing to hibernate. Hubs is anxious to buy a gun so we can go in the woods. It’s a big no-no here to go in the woods alone and/or without a gun. Plus guns make hubs (former marine) all giddy so of course I want him to have his heart’s desire. The people here are very sweet and friendly. Apparently, it’s a small town so everyone knows everyone and you run into them at the store. I like that. I’m still working on my master’s degree. It feels like FOREVER, but it’s only been a little over a year. I think it seems like longer because I’m not taking any breaks and going year-round til I finish. I start my internship here in January so I’m looking forward to that. I think that about sums it up other than missing family and friends back home. I’m looking forward to getting settled into a bigger place soon – hopefully we’ll find a place before our shipment of our household items arrives at the end of the month. Well, with ALL that being said – I seriously need to work on my homework. Bummer. I’d rather go exploring in our new town!!

I never thought how difficult it must be for all the lefty’s out there in a world full of right-handed people. It might not be up there with racism, ageism, or sexism, but surely it’s an -ism, right? Is it leftism?? I just think of all the things I take for granted. Poor hubs will just have to somehow find a way to make it through another day.

My oldest brother has two daughters, the youngest is Nina. She’s 27. She had the most romantic whirlwind of a truly passionate love this past year. She met and married her prince. That was 6 months ago on New Year’s Eve – fun wedding huh? She also has a 9 yr old daughter from a previous relationship. That part of the wedding was sappy! The new hubby vowed to be the best dad he could to her daughter and promised to take care of them both. Boy, did I cry!! He is an amazing man and my whole family is blessed beyond belief that he and Nina found each other. Their love is nothing short of inspirational!

Five days ago, Nina was working out at the gym as is a frequent event for her – she’s SO beautiful! She had a headache at one point – that part, I’m fuzzy on. Anyway, she passed out at the gym. Of course, they called 911 and took her to the nearest hospital. From what doctors could figure, she would need more attention and wisdom than what they had. They air lifted her to the University hospital. She had a brain aneurism. My family approached the situation full of hope and faith in spite of worst case scenarios from the doctors. I would not recommend these docs if you plan on having an emergency. The first night Nina was there, they were talking to my family about organ donation. Her hubby couldn’t be there that night as he is a specialist in the army and stationed in Italy. The Red Cross flew him home, so he got there late Tuesday night and was met by a doctor telling him how Nina was going to be a vegetable and that he needed to make a decision, not her parents. His response: I kill people for a living, I won’t kill my wife.

Long story short after a million prayers, they declared Nina dead today, due to no brain activity. The good part of that is that her hubs never had to decide what to do. They left her on the vent so family members could say their good-byes. My heart aches for her husband and her little girl. Me – I’m at peace. I’ve experienced enough death and although this was somewhat sudden, I’ve had time to appreciate the fact that I don’t understand. A favorite quote of mine that I’ve used thousands of times, “God allows in His wisdom what He could prevent in His power” – Uncle Arthur Burt.  Obviously God’s ways and thoughts are higher than ours and He sees the end from the beginning. We don’t.

In times past, I’ve often wondered how in the world to connect the Word of God and His promises to circumstances and things that happen that seem to contradict the Word . . . as if God can break a promise. The answer I’ve found – I don’t have a clue. My trust is that He is the Creator of the Universe and He is Sovereign. Shall not the Judge of the whole earth do right?? YES. HE WILL. He is mercy. He is love. He is truth. He cannot lie.

Grief is the strangest thing. So many emotions raging. Times of peace to times of anger to times of sadness. No matter what the emotion, the grace of God is sufficient to carry us through til the end. He gives us strength when we are weak. I take comfort in knowing where Nina is now because of her relationship with our Savior Jesus. I can just hear my dad now, “Well look who it is! What are you doing here so soon?” And I hear Nina, “Hey Grandpaw, I missed you! Wanna show me around?” She and her sister sang that song “when I get where I’m going” by Brad Paisley at my dad’s memorial service. Hope the words are true for her.

I could go on and on about Nina – although we were not nearly as close as I would’ve liked. Life just gets busy – but what an awesome reminder to take time for those you love. When those go on before us, we can truly be grateful for the trial of faith it takes to overcome grief and loss. The trial is more precious than gold and molds us  and shapes us into the beautiful image of our God. What an opportunity. Nina – you will always be loved and missed. Give Dad a big bear hug for me!!!

No matter how much I try to explain it, poor hubs just doesn’t understand. He can’t comprehend how a movie could have such a profound impact on me to which I claim changed my life and helped mold my personality. Many people don’t understand, but that’s okay. I’m not sure I can explain in a way for others to digest the fullness of the meaning. Anyway, hubby still hasn’t watched it – other than the first hour or so. He did say yesterday that given the time, he would watch with me. That made my heart smile. This is all coming up because a friend came over last night to watch the continuing story – where Anne and Gil get married and their struggle through WWI. She had never seen that one. However, when she got here, she suggested watching the first one because it had been years since she saw it. It was absolutely wonderful because this has been probably the longest amount of time I have ever gone without watching Anne. It was so refreshing. It’s like when I’m watching it, I’m actually there with her – like I’m her silent shadow.

I’ve even told hubs I would love to have a little girl with the middle name as Anne. He says we’re not naming our child after a character, but if it flows, then okay. But it must be Anne with an e! Maybe she’ll even be extremely intelligent with a vivid imagination. Whenever asked my favorite movie – the answer is always Anne. Whenever asked if I could be anyone in the world other than myself – the answer is always Anne. Listed amongst the people like parents and pastors that have had an influential impact on my life – Anne is always there.

Thank you Anne Shirley for teaching me many little life lessons – like how “tomorrow is always fresh with no mistakes in it.”

And that statement about me being more at peace than ever – 100% true!! I’m simply loving life right now. I have a wonderful husband, great job, loving family, supportive friends, and a God that is smitten with me. What else does a girl need? I’m not gonna lie, a tempurpedic bed and a new car would be great, but I don’t really need those things today.

This verse became so alive to me recently. It is possible to be completely at peace and full of joy when finances are a struggle. Finances became a lot less of a struggle when I came to completely depend on Jesus for my provision. He NEVER fails! Lately, there’s been a lot of back and forth with hubs trying to decide if we’re moving or not (but that’s a whole other blog post for a later day). Anyway, I still have no idea whether we’re moving or not, going or staying, I dunno. What I do know is that I am content wherever we are. I’m not running from anything or trying to fill a void. I am satisfied. If the Lord calls us to move, He’ll make a way. If He requires us to stay where we are, He’ll satisfy my soul. He NEVER fails!

So here I am, still at peace. The only thing I’m a little iffy about isn’t that important in the grand scheme of things… hubs and I are starting a new way eating… healthy. I’m not sure how that’s gonna end up since I don’t have a great track record of sticking to things like work-out programs and health food. I do know something needs to change because since I met hubs, my metabolism came to a screeching halt and I’ve put on about 25 lbs. I call it my love weight! hehehe. However, I’m much more comfortable in my own skin when I’m a bit lighter and more in shape. I’m looking forward to that so hopefully that’ll be my motivation to stick with it. I know it’s a lifestyle change though. I say BRING IT ON! I’m at peace within and intend to carry that over to peace without.

For those that may be discouraged – let me say it is totally, completely, entirely possible to live in peace, grace, mercy, and every other good gift from Heaven. I am living proof! PEACE!

However, after returning home – back to my routine life – I noticed a passion, a desire, a fire burning in me that had gone dim before my time away. See, I didn’t take my guitar with me so I had no way of worshiping on my own, other than listening to cd’s. I did get some quality time with the Lord and was encouraged through Scriptures. By the time I got home, I was so hungry and thirsty to be in the presence of the Lord and just bask in His glory. I felt a desperation for Him that I haven’t felt in a while. Life gets busy, I know. But somehow the routine of reading my Bible and going to church became just that – a routine. I was totally unmotivated in my spiritual life. It seems like one of those things where you don’t know how much you love something til it’s gone.

It’s kind of funny because part of the emotionally draining part of my class was me trying to figure out how to find that fiery passion again. I didn’t even need to struggle with it because obviously the Lord knew what it would take to rekindle that fire, to “fan to flame the fire that once burned so bright and strong” (Keith Green). All it took was being absent from the ‘routine’ of it to make me realize how much my life requires to be in that routine – the daily drink from the well of life.

Other things have been a point of frustration as well. My school program intimidates me a little and sometimes I wonder if it is really what I should be doing. But I know it is. I have found a certain level of freedom in our finances – although I’m still out of work. Jesus has totally given me a grace to not think or worry about the bills. I know He will take care of it. I’m doing what I can and the rest is up to Him. Either He’s faithful or He’s not – and I KNOW He’s faithful! Mostly though, I find myself frustrated with vision for the future and the immediate will of God. I have struggled to find contentment where I am and with who I am at this stage of my life. I find myself always wanting to be more, changed, with more authority, more revelation, but I’m here where I am for a reason. Partially because I haven’t done what I have known to do over the years. Partially because I think Jesus has something different for me than what He’s called others around me to. It’s all the same big picture, I just don’t know where I fit into it. It’s like everyone else is an eye, a mouth, a nose and I’m an elbow or little toe or something. I know our perceptions of ourselves are usually not true, but that’s how I feel.

Since I’ve been home this week though, I have a renewed motivation and even a satisfaction with where I am. I know I’m different. I always have been. I’ve been a late bloomer my whole life and tend to march to the beat of my own drum, so I don’t know why I find myself surprised to be in the same situation now. Sometimes it takes spending some quiet one on one with Jesus to be reminded of how HE feels about me. That’s the only opinion that matters anyway. And that’s ALL I need to propel me into a state of contentment again. That’s just what I needed.

Even though I’ve been out of work for a total of four months – we have not had to go without. I was working in November & December which allowed a little extra for Christmas. Before that though, we had a couple of divine interventions when it came to receiving money. One day, I checked the mail and hubs got a letter from the IRS. . . bad news? Nope! They sent a check for over $200 because a mistake was made on his 2008 taxes – over a year before we were even married! Another friend of mine sent $200 just because she knew I was out of work and she wanted to help.

This month, we received a check for $68 from hubs’ job because they made a mistake on his last paycheck. Also, a good friend of ours had his parents in town for a visit. Before they left, they gave us $50 for no reason at all! Plus, hubby’s birthday was last week and instead of presents, he got money from three different people totaling over $100!

To top it all off – my mother has been an angel with helping us when we need it. AND my aunt started sending us $50 a month as a benevolence – like she would for missionaries. On top of all that, my landlords are so laid back and don’t mind if we have to pay rent a few days late or in two payments.

It may sound like all of these things could just naturally happen, but I don’t think so. I believe it is the Lord moving and orchestrating all these things on our behalf. I give Him all the glory and thanks for being our provision!!

UPDATE: A day or two after I wrote this, I was having a heart to heart with Jesus about our finances. We didn’t do anything to be in the position we’re in. Life just happened. So since I know we’re not suffering the consequences of any sins, I was reminding the Lord that this is HIS responsibility. We are HIS children and HE needs to provide for us.  I felt like an idiot when I checked the mail an hour later. There was a check for $100 from a friend. She said in the note that Jesus told her to sew that seed to us! The next day I got the $50 from my aunt, but it was actually $80 this time! Of course, He’s gonna take care of His children. What loving Father wouldn’t??

I watched our wedding video the other day and was amazed at some of the advice from married couples – some had been married only a couple years while others had been married a couple decades or more. So far, I have found that some of that advice was unwarranted. For instance, all the comments about what an adjustment it is, all the hard work, how marriage is the most difficult thing in life other than raising children yet also the most rewarding. I’ll agree it is the most rewarding thing I’ve ever ventured to do, but it’s definitely not the hardest. I understand that what might be a challenge for someone else might not be a challenge for me, but I feel others should understand that also.

I’m thinking about this because today we are going to my niece’s wedding. I hope they offer an open floor for toasts or have someone videoing asking for advice because I feel what I have to offer may be truly unique. Granted, hubby and I haven’t faced anything extremely traumatic together as a couple (and we don’t have kids yet), but since we’ve been together, my dad died, we’ve both been out of work and faced economic & financial hardships, we moved several states away from our families, and some other odds and ends. Through all these things, no matter how minute or huge they may be, our focus has been on first of all pleasing Jesus and making sure we are being obedient to His will, but secondly to taking care of each other and trying to comfort and encourage each other, even – no especially when that other person is not acting very lovable.

There wasn’t an adjustment period for us. Maybe because we dated for a year and a half before being married, but I don’t think time was as much of a contributing factor as honesty and forgiveness. Neither of us have any secrets or skeletons in the closet and yet we still love each other in spite of those shortfalls. Every single day I am told by hubby, “You’re my favorite person in the entire world!” Every day, I say things of a similar nature to him. I know it may sound as though we’ve never had a disagreement, but that couldn’t be further from the truth. We disagree about a lot of things, but we communicate openly with each other and consistently pray for each other to come to the best conclusions for our marriage.

Trust me, I am ALWAYS open to listening to more marriage advice. My biggest point here is that telling a couple on their wedding day that there will be hard times and you have to suffer through them together is not exactly the most uplifting piece of advice. Yes, we’ve seen hard times, but not within our marriage. In those hard times, we didn’t really have to suffer through them because we had each other to lean on.

I don’t understand women that use their emotions to manipulate men or that are constantly giving ultimatums or using sex as a bargaining chip. I don’t understand men that can’t lift a finger around the house or can’t show any emotion or affection to their wives. I don’t understand putting friends and activities before your spouse or pouting and not speaking to each other for days. None of those things are comprehensible to me . . . maybe because hubs and I don’t live like that. I am of the opinion that if you truly have a godly love for your spouse, then it does not take a whole lot of effort to put that person and their needs before your own. Of course that involves doing things you don’t want to do, but it is so worth it to see the smile on his face and know that he’s smiling because of something you did. Likewise, hubby makes tremendous sacrifices for me. I can say that there is no one I appreciate more than my husband.

Please know that I am not being judgmental of other couples because what works for us might not work for others. Again, I’m new at this so I still have a lot to learn. I’m just saying that implementing compassion, empathy, forgiveness, honesty, patience, and prayer make my marriage the easiest thing I’ve ever done. Every day of my life, I fall in love with hubby and every day I’m even happier and more in love. If you aren’t honest with your spouse, then you are robbing them of the opportunity of loving as Christ loves the church. Baring your soul gives your spouse an open door to practice patience, forgiveness, and most importantly – unconditional love. Those are the times my heart absolutely melts . . . when I tell hubby something I’m not proud of and he just laughs and says, “Is that it??” or when I’m grumpy and tired and he is so patient with me or when I’m sick and he brings me food & medicine in bed or when I’m crying and disappointed and he holds me & comforts me. He’s the very best at always apologizing before I do – even when I’m the one that’s wrong. I adore that man. He’s the hot fudge on my sundae!!