It’s a tough job February 20, 2009

My job is fairly remedial.  I audit charts and look for missing pieces of information or mistakes before we bill Medicare.  That’s pretty much it.  Almost every day though, I find myself needing to take a breather or do something to get my mind off my current thoughts.  Since these are all Medicare patients, some of them have similar illnesses to that of my dad.  I am caught off guard by thoughts of my dad the last month of his life… swollen, dialysis, feeding tube, respirator, c-pap, tracheotomy, not eating, not understanding, ornery, silent, stubborn, scared and alone. 

Every day – and only when I’m at work – these thoughts haunt me.  I have no regrets with the treatment we chose.  I really don’t have any regrets of anything about my relationship with my dad.  I said the things that needed to be said while he was still coherent.  He did too.  I really just wish he were hit by a bus or something.  No child should ever have to see a parent in that type of condition.  It changes you.  I can’t imagine what it must be like for people whose parents have demensia or alsheimers.  My dad was really out of it the last month talking about crazy things, seeing things that weren’t there, not able to have a comprehensible conversation with his children.  It was mostly the medicines they had him on.  He was fine until he went into the hospital – mentally speaking. 

I kind of think he knew it was time, but never admitted it to me.  He was always my dad – protecting my feelings.  Anyway, back to the work thing.  I don’t mind the work, but the memories of my dad’s last days are overwhelming at times.  I try to take every thought captive, but sometimes it’s a struggle.  Almost every day I find myself with tears in my eyes, but they don’t always find their way down my cheeks.  I swallow the lump in my throat and go on with my day.  No one ever knows.  Maybe it is something I need to think on at times as part of a grief process.  Every once in a while I think on accidents that took the lives of a couple of my friends.  Were they scared? 

So I try to distract myself with thoughts of my dad from my childhood – or anytime before the hospital.  I think of him now and how wonderfully happy and at peace he must be.  I know my dad is proud of me.  I’ve been so blessed to have heard him say and know in my heart how much he loves me – still.  I try to think on these things instead of the nightmarish month of August.  I try to think on the relationships built with my siblings that month and how faithful and present God was and is.  My relationship with Him grew so deeply and intimately during that time.  This is what I try to redirect my thoughts to. 

No matter how I change the subject or try to distract myself, sometimes the haunting thoughts remain while I’m sitting in front of that computer filling out paperwork.  It’s a tough job.

I QUIT!! November 18, 2008

No, seriously – I quit my job today!  It was the craziest thing I’ve ever done.  (I know it’s a sheltered life, but a good one, okay?) 

The job was a seasonal, temp job working full time at a call center.  I spent five years in a call center working for ADT Security and wasn’t fond of it.  I’m not sure why I thought I’d be able to handle a full time job with all the other obligations in my life.  Yesterday, I asked the boss if I could leave two hours early as I had very misty eyes.  She asked if I was sick and I said I felt okay, but couldn’t stop crying.  She then asked what was wrong.  I didn’t want to keep her all afternoon, so I gave her the simple “my dad just died recently on today’s date” and she said not to worry about it and just make sure I log out before I leave.  I went home and spent the next few hours on the phone with the insurance company, DMV, and one of my brothers about my dad’s estate stuff.

So today, I went back to the dreaded job and was tearful all morning.  It didn’t help that I checked my class work online and the team I’m on decided to vote me out of the assignment – but that’s another post in and of itself.  Let’s just say it wasn’t my fault and the team waited til the VERY last minute to put the assignment together, so when I wasn’t available to answer a question they decided to leave my work out of the final draft.  I have yet to log back in and address the situation because I’m afraid I won’t be very nice.  I’ll have to spend some time with Jesus beforehand so I don’t rebuke them all with a firey tongue!  The point is – I was crying a lot again today at work. 

So during my lunch break, I left a very weepy message on the fiance’s voicemail which he hates because it makes him sad and he wants to fix it.  Then I called my best friend Nikki and cried in her ear for twenty minutes.  The last call I made was to my friend that works at the staffing agency.  We worked together for years at ADT.  She answered the phone and I said, “I don’t want you to hate me.”  Her response, “Girl, you can get up and walk out of there right now for all I care.”  I explained to her my strained emotional state and even more strained stress level and she was so totally and completely understanding.  hmm, I think I’ll send her an e-card.  She said she would notify the company and keep me in mind if any part time work comes available.

After that, a HUGE weight was lifted off my shoulders!  It is SO out of character for me to do that.  At times, I can be a little too prideful about keeping commitments and being a person of integrity.  Of course, I’ll need a little income soon, but Jesus is my provision – not a job.  I know He uses work to communicate that provision to me, but the job is not the source.  This wasn’t an impulse decision either.  I had already discussed it with the fiance’ and my friend at the staffing agency a week ago.  I’m not trying to justify it to anyone but myself – oh, and my mom (PLEASE DON’T TELL HER or I’ll never hear the end of it).  I’ll te 

Something will come along soon enough that won’t require over 40 hours a week of my time.  There are too many other priorities in my life apart from making money.  The job is the only thing I could think of that is even a considerable option of dropping from my schedule.  So, I did something a little wild and crazy today, some may say irresponsible, and completely out of character.  It was fabulous!

Time to Rest August 25, 2008

Here I am procrastinating again, but it’s what I do best!  For those that haven’t heard, my dad passed away a little over a week ago (August 17th to be exact).  That was actually 1 year (but not the same date) since my friend Dan’l died.  Last August 19th, on a Sunday, he was involved in a tragic motorcycle accident.  Talk about a rough week!  Actually in the past three years, I’ve lost both grandmothers, an adopted grandfather, a family friend, a best friend, a ray of sunshine, and my dad.  Right now, I just hope my dog doesn’t die soon!

Only by the grace of God is my head still above water.  Not only am I doing well – I’m doing wonderfully considering the circumstances.  I haven’t been able to sleep well though.  I attribute the lack of sleep to my never-ending to do list.  School started back for me and my instructor has been very gracious with my assignment due dates due to the loss of my dad, but I still have a couple large papers to write and absolutely no motivation to draw from.  Also, my dad left all of his financial affairs in my hands to take care of so I’m up to my eyeballs in bank accounts, phone services, life insurance policies, and the list goes on.  Just think of everything in your life that is in your name and someone else has to take care of all those things for you.  It’s a lot when you’re a 76 year old person!!  I am grateful that he left everything in order so it’s not a complete mess – quite unlike my house!  The boyfriend was staying with my dog while I was in Charleston with my dad for the past month.  He spent the entire morning cleaning the other day as I was driving home, so it’s not dirty – just messy!  I came in and dumped a ton of clothes, papers, shoes, suitcases, books, and groceries on the couches which were already covered with his clean laundry, suitcase, and marine duffel bag full of clothes. 

I’m just overwhelmed with things to do – as usual.  So my plan is to not go back to work just yet.  They’ve been more than gracious with me about my dad and I don’t need the money just yet for bills, so I think I’ll take a few more days off to get myself organized and everything under control again.  If I could only get just a couple things taken care of, the load wouldn’t seem so tremendous.  I’m trying to plan a memorial service in Richland, WA for Sunday – pretty much single handedly since my other siblings returned to work.  It’s easier for me anyway because I already know people out there from when I took care of my dad when he was living there.  I think after my papers and the travels & service this coming up weekend, I’ll be a lot better. 

What I really need is a good, long nap!  If only I could sleep . . .

Gee Whiz – I’m Beat!! June 18, 2008

My schedule just got insanely crazy again after only working one job for two weeks and being off school during that time too.  So Monday, my busy schedule started again with a couple hours of school in the morning before work, then Bible Study/School at night after work – including cleaning, paying bills, keeping up with relationships.

Today, I started “number crunching” which is always discouraging.  I don’t know why I bother.  I do try my very best to be frugal, but I don’t think there’s a word for trying to live off the pay from one part time job.  Impossible! – without Jesus anyway.  After realizing that I only make about $5 more than what my bills are per month, I realized that there’s no way I can work to save money or pay off any debt for the time being which I HATE.  I’m a little bit anal about money. 

So, I’m left casting my cares on the shoulders of my Savior.  I’m not poor-mouthing by any means.  All my needs are met – always.  I don’t really know why I try and figure out how to pay all the bills coming my way because I cannot do it in my strength.  I realize that Jesus is just gonna have to send a miracle my way and He always does because I’m never left wanting.  I’m scraping by and I’m not complaining – I don’t even know how I got on this subject . . .

My point was supposed to be that I was figuring out how many hours I need to work at my alternate job to get ahead.  I figured it all out which spreads me REALLY thin, but then thought to myself that I don’t depend on a job as a source of provision anyway – I trust my Heavenly Father for His provision for my life.  I came to this conclusion a little over a year ago when I moved home from Canada.  I had no prospects of a job and ended up telling Jesus that He’s my husband so it’s HIS responsibility to take care of me and my finances.  He already knew that though because that’s what He’s done my whole life – and will continue to do.

I wonder if He’ll add more hours to the day for me.  That’s the most recent request I sent His way.  See, if I weren’t so dreadfully tired then I would be able to get up at 7am instead of 8 or 9am.  That would help tremendously.  I’ve been going to bed before midnight lately, so that’s a big help too.  I don’t mean to sound lazy, but I really am an 8-9 hr. a night girl.  Anything less and I’m a mess!  I can sacrifice sleep for a while if there is a grace to do it, but I hate it when other people just tell me to get up earlier.  They have no idea what those of us whose body requires more sleep go through when we’re sleep deprived.  Really, when I wake up, I stumble into walls and probably look drunk to the fly on the wall.  Whatever – I’m done with that soapbox.

This week, I haven’t worked as much as I need to because other things keep popping up that need my attention.  My mom would say “Work comes first”.  I get that.  However, stuff comes up and I end up putting off not only work, but my Jesus time too.  So, after I take care of the cares of this world, I spend time with Jesus which makes me late for work.  Late is relative though - I make my own hours which trust me, I know is a HUGE blessing.  Anyway, I need to start doing the Jesus thing first when I wake up – it’s just hard because I’m not really awake for the first hour of the day. 

Basically, I need to get on a schedule and be more disciplined about it.  I’m trying – I’m not my mother though.  She gets up every day anywhere between 5-7am just to have her quiet time and get ready before arriving at work at 8:30am.  I’ve always been the type that gets out of bed at 8:15 to get there at 8:30.  Anyone can change though, right?  I’m just gonna have to start teaching this ole body some new tricks!!

Working Girl January 8, 2008

I’m not a fan.  I remember as a child, I wanted to have a ‘carreer’.  I wasn’t sure doing what, but something.  Now, I don’t even like that word.  It speaks to me of everything materialistic and self-gratifying.  It’s full of pride and ambition.  Okay, so that’s a little extreme, but it’s not for me. 

I’m working two part-time jobs.  One is okay and the other I really enjoy.  I hate the fact that I HAVE to work.  It would be nice to have the option of working.  I can’t imagine not working at all.  I’d like to work part time somewhere just to get out of the house and make a difference in the world.  I would love to finish my degree in Christian Counseling and do that.  If I had a job I loved doing every day, that would be a horse of a different color.

In the meantime, I hate having jobs I just do to make money to pay the bills.  I want a job where I’m giving back to this world, where God can use me as an empty vessel.  He can do that now, it’s just a little more difficult in a secular genre, but that’s probably where He needs me the most.  Maybe I should start seeing it as an opportunity as opposed to a chore. 

On the other hand, I really don’t come in contact with many people at either of these jobs.  They’re just clerical type things to do which  I HATE.  I’d rather do physical labor outside where at the end of the day, I can look at what I’ve accomplished.  I did bring home a spreadsheet I created to show people what I spent half the day doing.  I just want to make a difference.  I want to have a choice instead of an obligation.

my shoes hurt June 13, 2007

If you haven’t already gathered, my shoes are hurting my feet!  I’m at work behind a desk, holding down a chair in of course- professional attire.  I hate this.  I have to do it to save some money and pay the bills, but it is definitely not my passion in life.

I think going  to work shoud be enjoyable, not painful.  If I were in blue jeans and flip flops- this menial job would be so much more enjoyable.  Okay, maybe not enjoyable, but at least more comfortable!