Watching “Sleeping Hubby” July 3, 2009

a quick side note before I even get started – I think this is what mothers do with their babies which makes me question my normalcy . . . once again.

 Hubby was taking a quick nap on top of the bed before class, so I laid down opposite him and just watched. I have to do my studying of the hubby while he sleeps because he hates it when I stare. I inspected all the hair on his face and how there is a straight line in the middle of his mustache from the bottom of his nose to the top of his lip where no hair seems to grow. I’d never noticed that before. Maybe it’s because he just trimmed and as the hair grows, it intermingles together. I examined all the freckles on his legs and think it’s neat how the hair just stops growing at the bottom of his ankles. I know that’s the case for most men (and women) but I never really looked before. It’s like those leotards that stop at the ankle and don’t have the footie part. I always make fun of his hobbit feet as I call them, but he really doesn’t have hobbit feet. I just say that because we enjoy picking on each other. He has great feet for a guy – I’m a little jealous. He has perfect toenails and it’s just not right that his look better than mine  I continued letting my eyes roam until I found something to focus on for a minute and then watched as his chest raised and fell as he breathed through a slightly opened mouth. He was laying with his hand under his face which pushed the skin up around his eye, so I could see the bottom of his pupil roaming around in his sweet slumber. I thoroughly studied the lines of his tattoo on his left arm since he was laying on his right side and wondered why Jesus’ thumb and pinky looked exactly the same as they hold a banner that reads FORGIVEN. He won’t let me name his tattoos (because another odd tendency of mine is to name inanimate objects), but if they had names they would be easier to talk about. Then my eyes roamed and saw some long stray armpit hair that I thought about trimming. Yes, I know I’m weird – I have a strange fascination with playing with fire and cutting hair, neither of which I’m trained to do. 

 As I laid there falling more in love with this man in front of me, my mind wandered to the place it always goes no matter how hard I fight it. I wondered how much longer he would be in my life. Would it be until I die or until Jesus comes back? Or would he leave this world one day far too soon and way before I’m ready to let go? It is sad to say, but I do believe my brain has been reprogrammed when it comes to life and death. I almost expect it when I hear news of someone’s passing – like I knew it was coming, but didn’t know exactly when. That in no way makes the loss any more bearable or easier. I know this sounds terribly depressing, but it really inspires and reminds me to cherish every moment I have with him.

 Anyway, I am reminded of a song as I write about watching my lovey sleep. You’ve probably guessed it by now – yep, Aerosmith. I always thought that song was absolutely ridiculous because I don’t care how much I love someone, I need my beauty sleep people! I can now understand how blissful it can be to revel in the beauty of love while watching that kindred spirit, that person who owns your heart, in such a peaceful state. The actual quote I was thinking while watching “Sleeping Hubby” was a line from the old Spartacus movie where he is laying on the ground with the woman he loves and he tells her how he wants to know every inch of her body.

 There’s actually a spiritual lesson I learned from my daydreaming gazes. Jesus spends all his time gazing at us and admiring every little detail of our spirit. We are his creation after all. We are his masterpiece and He spends His time choosing to look upon us with favor. I think we would be wise to do the same. We are all He gets. He already has all of creation, but we have a free will and if we choose not to love him back – He’s lost His entire inheritance. I am personally encouraged to spend time looking upon Him as I do my Sleeping Hubby. I want to know what Jesus thinks, feels, loves, laughs at, cries about. I want to know His WAYS, not just His ACTS. We could all benefit from studying and watching Him.

Good Grief – Really June 9, 2009

this is kind of an addendum to my last post about a heartcry . . .

Friday night after church I started crying on the way home mostly because I was stressed but also I am often surprised at the times when grief rises up out of my heart and finds its way down my cheeks. I thought I was crying because I was overwhelmed, but as I started telling the hubby what was wrong – I realized I was releasing some tears that just needed to find their way out. There’s just a lot of things I don’t talk about because I figure no one wants to hear about it or would be judging me for continuing to grieve over something that happened years ago. I dunno, but I call it healthy.

So since I don’t really talk about it, I thought I’d try it out on my brand new shiny husband. I first was telling him how a car accident on Friday really got to me. Three teenagers were killed – one of them was a student my brother taught. It is just too reminiscent of Keri and Dan’l. Also, a little over a week ago on a Sunday - a lady in our church lost everything she owns to a house fire (reminder – ladies turn off your dryer before leaving the house).  Anyway, my heart so hurt for her and I realized also that a LOT of tragedies have happened on Sundays. Dan’l’s accident was on Sunday, August 19th. Jenna’s accident was on Sunday, February 17th (exactly 6 mos. after Dan’l), then my dad died on Sunday, August 17th (exactly 6 mos. after Jenna and 1 yr. after Dan’l). Strange, huh?

So I haven’t gotten to my point yet and I apologize, but I’m working on it . . .  so I was in the car telling hubby how every year I write a card to Keri around the same time. Her birthday is May 27th and she died less than a week later on June 2nd (4 days before she graduated high school). She would’ve been 30 this year. The card this year had a kitten on the front with a sad face and said “there’s something missing in my life” and on the inside – it says “YOU”. Every year, it’s a similar card. One of my favorites was Winnie the Pooh on the outside and it showed Piglet way far off in the distance.  It said “I’m here, you’re there” and on the inside it said, “No Fair”. So I’m sure you get the point by now – it’s always a card about how much I miss her. So I wrote in the card this year about my wedding and how I wondered what she would be doing with her life if she were still here. Then I wrote to her how I know she’s exactly where she’s supposed to be doing what she was meant to do, “Dancing in the presence of the Lord” as her headstone reads. I miss her grace as she danced.

(rabbit trail here) Last night, the news was on and I was listening to one of the kids that was just released from the hospital. She was in the accident with the others that were killed. There were 9 kids in the car, 3 died, 3 in critical condition still, 2 are out of the hospital, and 1 is still in fair condition. Anyway – I watched what she had to say and then completely lost it when they were talking about the accident. I had to change the channel. It’s so odd to me how most of the time I am okay but then all of a sudden something triggers grief from 11 years ago.

So back to the conversation in the car with the hubby. Let’s see – I told him about the card. Then I told him that Dan’l’s birthday is this month. That’s just hard for me. I’m not sure why. Then the conversation carried on to talking about my dad. It’s just becoming more real for me around Father’s Day. My siblings are all meeting at my brother’s house in NC for Father’s Day because he’s the only one of us that is a father and we wouldn’t ask him to meet us somewhere away from his children and grandkids. I never really gave much thought to Father’s Day before, but this year it has a certain twinge of pain attached to it. I got my brother a father’s day card which was okay and I was only reminded as I was walking away from the card aisle that I’ll never buy my dad another Father’s Day card again. Then another day, I was trying to help the hubby find a card for his dad. It was fine until I found the perfect card for my dad. I slowly put it back on the shelf and had to quit helping the hubby at that point.

As far as my dad’s estate stuff goes – I’m hoping it’s coming to an end, but as excited as that makes me – I’m a little sad about it too. We sold the rental and are just waiting to close on the house. I also gave the grandkids the share that dad left them. It was so bitter sweet yesterday when my nephew called me because he had just gotten the check in the mail. I said “Hello” and he said “Thank you Aunt Dana!”. We talked for a minute about what he wants to do with his money. He’s 17, so I figured the car would be the answer. He told me thank you again and I just told him to thank Granddad. I could hear the sadness in his voice too when he said “yeah”. He loved my dad so much. He was the only grandson and my dad lived with my sister and him the last year of his life. Anyway (geez, I didn’t mean to get so depressing - I’m actually in a very happy mood), the sad part about the stuff slowing down is that I won’t have any more bills of his or anything tying me to his recent life. Everything will become a memory instead of something new I have to do that’s related to my dad.

I guess the moral of this very long story or collision of thoughts if you will is that it’s okay to grieve when you need to – if it’s 11 years later or only 10 months later. I don’t dwell on this as much as you’d think by reading my posts. Writing is a way for me to work out my grief so the times you see a post about it is probably the only time it ever comes up – and it’s a good grief.

recent reminders of a heartcry May 18, 2009

I suppose it all started on Friday when my mom and I were discussing my wedding.  She was talking about Dan’l’s mom and I was so blessed that his parents drove 3 hrs. just for me.  She told my mom of what a blessing I’ve been to them, but if she only knew how much they mean to me.  Anyway, later that night at church we sang an old song we used to sing in the Baptist youth group what seems like a lifetime ago.  As the lyrics came out of my mouth, tears streamed down my face.  I could almost hear Dan’l singing “As the deer panteth for the water, so my soul longeth after Thee.  You alone are my heart’s desire and I long to worship You.  You alone are my strength, my shield, to you alone may my spirit yield.  You alone are my heart’s desire and I long to worship You.”  (I think those are the lyrics, but don’t quote me even if it is in quotation marks).  He seemed so close like I could almost touch him.  As I sang, my heart was flooded with sweet memories of my dear friend and how much I treasured his friendship and cherished his place in my heart.  Even now as I type, my eyes well up with tears. 

The next day I was knee deep in my dad’s rental house affairs.  I don’t want to get into it – I think I get a new grey hair every time I talk about it.  Long story short, I was looking for some paperwork and came across a couple papers in my dad’s handwriting of repairs he intended to make on the rental.  The tears came again.  I think of my dad every day as I don’t have a choice dealing with all of his business, but seeing his handwriting made me actually think about him and how I miss him so terribly.  I miss calling him with questions about car insurance or what’s the best way to season and make fresh mahi or telling him about the possibility of moving to another state.  I just miss him, that’s all.

So Sunday morning came and the radio woke me up to an old worship song that we used to sing at FCA in high school.  My friend Keri always requested “Seek ye first the kingdom of God and His righteousness and all these things shall be added unto you, Halleu-Hallelujah.”  I always requested to sing the Grin Again Gang song because it was just fun, but not meaningful at all.  So as the song on the radio continued its melody, my heart began to sing to the tune of the friendship, the sisterhood I once shared with Keri.  Good grief, we could fight!  But we were sisters.  Her mom and sister were also at the wedding.  Her sister did my hair and I must say I was quite ravishing!  They were fighting back tears a little on the video when telling us congratulations and how much I mean to them.  They are family to me.

I then saw a little girl after church again that I saw the previous week for the first time.  She looks nothing like our adorable little Jenna from the front, but last week I almost gasped when I saw this little girl walk past.  I somehow caught the attention of Jenna’s mom and asked if she had seen this child.  She looked at me with such longing eyes and we talked about how almost uncanny this child is to Jenna from behind.  If only her hair were a shade or two lighter with curls.  I was thinking that there are so many adorable little girls, but none have matched the “adorability” (a word I think I just made up) of Jenna.  She could make any day brighter even in her worst of moods by just being so stinkin adorable!

I was talking to the hubby about this yesterday because he knows I’ve had a sadness about me this weekend.  I think somewhere in the business of my life, grief has been supressed – or at least put on the back burner.  Maybe I’m empathizing a little bit because you can see a hint of sadness or maybe a bit of pain even behind the laughter in the eyes of the parents of all these that I so dearly love.  All of them love the Lord dearly and walk daily in His wonderful grace.  It doesn’t mean there’s no healing; its just a heartcry for those who can never be replaced in our lives and an anxiousness to get to Heaven and embrace them once again.

Wedding of my Dreams (and honeymoon too)! May 7, 2009

Yes, I know – everyone wants to see pictures.  Unfortunately, I do not have any yet and if I did, I’m not talented enough to post them on here, so I usually redirect people to facebook or myspace to see pics.

The week before the wedding was extremely hectic and emotional.  All the hard work paid off though because everything went smoothly the day of my wedding. . . even the minor incidentals like one of my buttons popping off my wedding gown.  At least it was the bottom one next to the zipper, so no one could notice.  Those little things usually don’t bother me anyway.  My heart was bursting with appreciation and awe at the people that drove for hours to enjoy our little love fest and at the people that worked tirelessly for days to make all my dreams come true.  I kept wondering why we didn’t just elope, but after the wedding I’m so grateful that we didn’t.

It was at my family’s farm in SC as I’d always planned.  Some of the details I wasn’t thrilled about didn’t seem to matter in the end anyway.  We had white chairs and I wanted wooden chairs.  That’s okay though, pretty much everyone had a place to sit under the shade of towering pecan trees with a breeze blowing.  My best friend of 14 years or so was my matron and her daughters carried my train for me.  The now hubby’s brother was his best man.  Our beloved pastor performed the ceremony, complete with a time of worship.  I walked down the aisle by myself with a charm around my bouquet of my dad holding me as a baby to a song that so adequately describes the love story of Jesus and His Bride.  My hubby wore his uniform, in which I’d never seen him before so it was a first for both of us seeing the other.  He forgot to wear his white gloves, but that worked out anyway due to the exchange of rings.  We both had tears in our eyes as I approached closer and closer.  We wrote our own vows that I haven’t stopped hearing about how sweet and precious they were.  My precious Sumi-friend sang a song during communion I recruited her for years ago, so I’m sure she was happy to see the fruition of that promise finally be over.  hehehe.  Oh, and everyone kept making fun of me for pouring the sand instead of the unity candle, but it turned out to be a wise decision.  If we had candles, the wind would’ve surely blown them out, so yay for me on that one!!  We walked out to the tune of “Linus and Lucy”, the Peanuts theme song and people chuckled.  I just think it’s always been such a happy little number. 

The reception was nearby in the yard.  The wind kept blowing over my portrait, so now the frame is brutally scarred, but that’s okay.  It has more character now.  The picture boards that I made (actually, I picked out the pictures and a couple wedding elves put them together for me) didn’t get put out til the end due to the wind.  One had the song lyrics of a little diddy I wrote for my dad several years ago as he lived on the opposite side of the country.  The basic chorus says, “Through the years and the tears and the distance in between us, I will always be your little girl.”  It was surrounded by pictures of my dad and I from birth until the last few years.  The other picture board had a poem I wrote for my late Paw-Paw and his wife, Louise (no blood relation, but I claim them as my real grandparents).  The poem is called the Imprints and is about letting people go when they die, knowing that their life goes on in the Heavenly arms of our Father.  This picture board was peppered with pictures of loved ones lost in my life and in my hubby’s.  It was kind of my way of honoring the place these people hold in my heart still and I know they would’ve been there in person if they could. 

Anyway, we had 5 different flavored cakes all made by family members and all are my favorite kinds of cake!  There was a huge bowl full of fresh strawberries from down the road.  The punch was delicious (it was strawberry too).  The meal was absolutely wonderful thanks to my uncle.  It was boston butt bbq, chicken perlot rice, and green beans (I think).  My uncles also cooked the night before for the rehearsal dinner.  We had fried fish down at the pond on the farm and my wonderful mother-in-law made all the fixins!  It was lovely.  I forgot to mention the brunch the day of the wedding.  I invited family and friends I consider family to a brunch on a pecan orchard.  The lady there served us homemade goodies in the likeness of a “tea”.  I gave gifts to everyone and wanted to say something sentimental about each one, but I started to cry at the first person I came to, so that didn’t really happen.

Back to the reception, we had a few people toast – not as many as I had hoped, but that’s okay.  I cried at a few people’s comments of course.  We danced later on to our first dance which was “At Last” by Etta James.  We were talking about something and just realized yesterday that we didn’t even take the time to enjoy the dance.  The flip flops I was wearing rubbed a hole in my toe – I think that happened when my brother and I were shagging (that is a dance) to Carolina Girl.  Hubby and his mom danced to the Hawaiian version of Over the Rainbow.  I tried to do something really sweet for my best friend, but it was a bust because the DJ only had the remix of a very slow and intimate song.  Oh well.  My mom caught the bouquet and our videographer caught the garter (while filming mind you).  We found the garter when we opened our camera to watch the wedding yesterday.  He’ll get it back sometime unexpectedly we decided.  As we left, we were showered with bubbles and lavender buds.  My hair looked incredible, but it took forever after we got home to get all the stuff out of it because of the hairspray and curls.  So off we went in my Git-R-Done car straight to the car wash where I changed out of my cute little leaving dress into jeans and a t-shirt (finally).  Hubby just changed into his flip flops.  We then drove home to Jax over the next 3.5 hrs which only seemed like the blink of an eye because we chatted the whole way home.  We had barely seen each other up til the point of the wedding because we were working so hard to get everything done in time.  We caught up on the weeks events and shared what people had said to us and that kind of thing.

The next morning came and we headed off to Orlando for a much needed getaway.  We were SO EXHAUSTED.  We slept all afternoon after checking in.  We stayed at a 2 bedroom condo and our bathroom had a jacuzzi tub which I used A LOT.  I don’t even have a bathtub at our apartment, so I took advantage while I could.  The next few days were filled with sleeping, renting movies, Islands of Adventure, Putt-Putt, going to a chick flick, Planet Hollywood, and back home.  Oh, well we did have to do that annoying little time share tour with a pushy sales person, but other than that we thoroughly enjoyed ourselves.  We came home to a very disappointing empty house.  Somehow, we assumed it would be filled with presents for us to open, but instead they were at my mom’s house.  So we brought in our luggage and went to get our presents.  It took a long time to open them all when we got home and then we watched the wedding while drinking leftover wine from the ceremony. 

Now, we’re forced to get back into the daily grind.  Hubby is at work.  I need to clean and tend to my dad’s estate stuff and should probably go to work for a few hours at least.  I’m still ecstatic that I don’t start school until Tuesday again, so I can enjoy a stress-free weekend!  Plus, it’s my very last class before I graduate.  After that, I can try to make a wedding scrapbook or something.  Hopefully, tonight we can make it to the stores to return some very lovely, but not needful gifts.  We went through our registry last night and decided on a few things we REALLY wanted, so that’s the plan.  Plus there’s mother’s day and his siblings birthday – so we need to get a few gifts. 

I’ll let y’all know how the real honeymoon goes when it happens . . . Montana in October!!

time to blog April 16, 2009

I actually have time to blog, can you believe it??  Too bad I’m on my brother’s laptop and can’t upload any pics.    I’m at my mom’s doing laundry and I have a cold.  I’m all by myself too.  YAY! 

So lately, I’ve been a bit nervous about getting married, but I hear that cold feet are quite common.  I don’t doubt my soon to be hubby – I doubt myself (as usual).  I’m just so scared of making a mistake and this is the most important decision of my life!  When I was talking to him about it this afternoon, he assured me that there will always be someone that is smarter, wittier, more attractive, patient and wealthy, but that God put us together.  haha, that doesn’t sound like encouragement, but trust me – it put my heart at ease.  Sometimes the “what if’s” get so loud, I can’t hear the symphony of love in my heart.  Stinkin devil!! 

Anyway, I can’t think of a single person that hasn’t sent us blessings and love.  Everyone I know is going out of their way to make my day special and let me know how happy they are for me.  It truly warms my heart.  I’m signing off for now to get back to the laundry and I wanted to play the piano a little (which I never get to do anymore) . . .

It’s a tough job February 20, 2009

My job is fairly remedial.  I audit charts and look for missing pieces of information or mistakes before we bill Medicare.  That’s pretty much it.  Almost every day though, I find myself needing to take a breather or do something to get my mind off my current thoughts.  Since these are all Medicare patients, some of them have similar illnesses to that of my dad.  I am caught off guard by thoughts of my dad the last month of his life… swollen, dialysis, feeding tube, respirator, c-pap, tracheotomy, not eating, not understanding, ornery, silent, stubborn, scared and alone. 

Every day – and only when I’m at work – these thoughts haunt me.  I have no regrets with the treatment we chose.  I really don’t have any regrets of anything about my relationship with my dad.  I said the things that needed to be said while he was still coherent.  He did too.  I really just wish he were hit by a bus or something.  No child should ever have to see a parent in that type of condition.  It changes you.  I can’t imagine what it must be like for people whose parents have demensia or alsheimers.  My dad was really out of it the last month talking about crazy things, seeing things that weren’t there, not able to have a comprehensible conversation with his children.  It was mostly the medicines they had him on.  He was fine until he went into the hospital – mentally speaking. 

I kind of think he knew it was time, but never admitted it to me.  He was always my dad – protecting my feelings.  Anyway, back to the work thing.  I don’t mind the work, but the memories of my dad’s last days are overwhelming at times.  I try to take every thought captive, but sometimes it’s a struggle.  Almost every day I find myself with tears in my eyes, but they don’t always find their way down my cheeks.  I swallow the lump in my throat and go on with my day.  No one ever knows.  Maybe it is something I need to think on at times as part of a grief process.  Every once in a while I think on accidents that took the lives of a couple of my friends.  Were they scared? 

So I try to distract myself with thoughts of my dad from my childhood – or anytime before the hospital.  I think of him now and how wonderfully happy and at peace he must be.  I know my dad is proud of me.  I’ve been so blessed to have heard him say and know in my heart how much he loves me – still.  I try to think on these things instead of the nightmarish month of August.  I try to think on the relationships built with my siblings that month and how faithful and present God was and is.  My relationship with Him grew so deeply and intimately during that time.  This is what I try to redirect my thoughts to. 

No matter how I change the subject or try to distract myself, sometimes the haunting thoughts remain while I’m sitting in front of that computer filling out paperwork.  It’s a tough job.

My Fairy Tale February 9, 2009

I’ve been told on more than one occasion to not put any hope into fairy tale dreams coming true.  I even heeded the advice as I began to believe that fairy tales are just that – tales that are not reality.  They were wrong.  I was wrong.  I have been a damsel in distress and I have been rescued and swept off my feet by my knight in shining armor. 

He watched me from a distance and he watched me up close, when I didn’t know he was even looking at me.  I really had no idea the bad way I was in until he came along and shed light on everything around me.  It’s like I was in the dark and he came in and turned the light on.  Now I know love – what it really is – and it’s more wonderful than what is in the fairy tale stories because it’s real.  He knows me inside and out, sometimes better than I know myself and never forces himself or his opinions on me.  He waits for me quietly and patiently to give him my heart a little at a time, when I feel that I can trust him with it.

He loves me so purely and unconditionally, it is not like anything I’ve ever seen in any other love story or marriage.  He tells me when I’m wrong and supports me when I’m alone.  He is my protector and defender.  He listens to me go on and on about unimportant, petty things.  He lets me ramble about how upset I get over life’s situations.  He lets me cry on his shoulder.  Sometimes he cries with me and sometimes he wipes the tears away as he holds me so tenderly.

When I’m in the room with him, my heart is filled with joy and peace.  It’s more than being in love.  He makes me comfortable being me – in all of my holiness and in all of my worthlessness.  I feel safe and secure when I’m in his arms.  I don’t deserve him or his love.  I do the best I can to tell him and show him how I feel in return, but I think I fail miserably.  The thing is – he doesn’t even care.  He just enjoys loving me – for nothing in return – just because he loves me that much.  He is wise and showers me with sweet nothings in my ear.  He takes care of my every need and even gives me my heart’s desires.  He even surprises me with little whims.  I want for nothing.

He is the only one I can trust when others fail me and miss the mark of righteousness.  When I’m disappointed or betrayed by people I esteem and admire, he is there to comfort me.  He reminds me that he really is all I need - not to pull me away from other relationships, but to put them in perspective.  He encourages my life with rich friendships and time with family.  I also know that none of these are as important as my relationship with him and he is always first in my life.

I don’t know how I ever survived without him.  I don’t know how I don’t miss him more when we’re apart.  He makes my life worth living.  You might be surprised to hear that I’m not talking about my fiance’ – although he is a wonderful example of all these traits.  I’m talking about the love of my life, the one that makes my dreams come true, my precious husband – Jesus.

Encouraged January 21, 2009

Seriously.  Why hormones?  Why? 

Today is one of the days where I woke up ready to conquer the world, which is wonderful since I start work today!  I have no idea why I even bother with feeling overwhelmed at times.  Jesus has always been faithful to provide a way for me, to have a roof over my head, clothes on my back, food in my belly.  Why do I doubt Him so much sometimes and take the weight of the world on my own shoulders?

When my dad died, at first I was okay.  After a month at least, my faith was really tried and I felt disappointed by God.  He let me down.  That had never happened before in my life.  He was always the ONE I could trust that wouldn’t disappoint me.  After that, I felt completely alone and abandoned.  I prayed and He didn’t answer – at least the way I thought He should.  I stood on the promises in His Word and reminded Him, but it made no difference.  He did what He wanted to do, regardless of those promises.  Finally, I came to the conclusion that God is Sovereign and there are just some mysteries we will never know this side of Heaven.  I wasn’t upset that my dad died.  I get it by now, people die.  I was upset that Jesus didn’t do the miracle I knew He could do.  Maybe one day I’ll understand, but it’s taken me a while to trust Him again.  I do recall telling my dad that Jesus would heal him, one way or another, here on earth or in Heaven.  I believed that, but I believed it really would be here on earth, not the latter.  Obviously, I was wrong, but at least my dad did get his healing.

So yesterday I flippantly threw a prayer in God’s direction, not really expecting much to come back my way.  I was surprised.  By the end of the day, I got a phone call that met more expectations than what I was even asking for.  I needed work, but I’m so tired of looking.  I was hoping something would just fall in my lap, but knew that was not likely.  The phone call was where I used to work.  They need me only for 20 hours a week (which is pretty much all the hours I have available to work) for four months (which is exactly the time frame I’ll need a job before graduating) and it’s incredible pay for a part time job (which will more than make up for wedding expenses).  Go figure.  Jesus is proving Himself to me once again. 

It is such an incredible load off my shoulders to not have to worry about getting a job, starting a new job, and then not making enough money for bills.  These are things I carry quietly, but I’m so excited they’re gone I just can’t help myself!

God is SOO good.  I keep saying that, but it’s true.  I was talking with the fiance’ a few days ago about other couples we know (not in a bad way).  I just love how perfect our relationship is.  Of course, there are a few speed bumps we run into here and there which is to be expected.  I was just talking about things other couples do or say that I wouldn’t be able to deal with.  I know other people have looked at us, and even said things to me, about how he should or shouldn’t do this or act like that or needs to change whatever.  We all have things to work on, but I never could’ve imagined someone so suited for me.  We’re not one of those couples that’s super sweet to each other all the time.  We’re never mean to each other, but we enjoy a daily dose of sarcasm which we both find funny.  Maybe other people don’t get that, but my personality and his go hand in hand.  Only God could’ve done that.  I’m sure others don’t understand a lot about our relationship, but it amazes me that he is the only person on this earth that knows EVERYTHING about me, no secrets or lies and still loves me.  The same goes for him – he has told me every ugly secret in his past, but it makes no difference.  Only Jesus offers this kind of agape’ unconditional love.  That’s how I know it’s from Him.

So my point today is that I’m encouraged in my faith, in my daily life, in my relationships, in general.  Jesus really is faithful – regardless of the voices whispering differently.

My First Love (and the disease that separates us) January 13, 2009

If you had asked me a little over a year ago what it would be like to live every day with someone you choose to love (romantically), my response would be completely drawn from my relationship with Jesus.  The many years I’ve been single while my closest friends were getting married and having babies, I’ve spent with my first love – Jesus.  When I was overwhelmed with life, He was the One I talked to.  He was the first person I said “Good morning” to and the last person I said “Good night” to.  If I couldn’t handle the finances or a bill was due when I had no money, I would remind Him that He is my Husband and I am HIS responsibility, bills and all.  He has always been the “man of the house”. 

Somewhere over the last year in the transition from being single to getting married, I’ve started to become more dependant on the fiance’ for these little daily occurrences and have failed to give that attention and responsibility to the only Person it belongs, Jesus.  Don’t get me wrong, Jesus never took out the trash or walked my dog for me in person, but there was always help when I needed it.  And I’m EXTREMELY grateful for the fiance’ and all his help.  I just miss the rawness and the passion of my first Love.

This past year, I’ve also been aware of an impairing disease I carry with me that keeps me from Jesus.  It’s like a cancer that consumes my time and steals me away from intimate moments with my precious Jesus.  It’s name is pride.  To me, pride is the root of every sin and would consume us completely if not for the Grace of God and His compassionate Holy Spirit.  Granted, part of feeling ’stale’ is because I don’t have much of an outlet at this point in my life.  I’m not blaming anyone, but myself for that.  Since my dad died, my life has been a whirlwind which is passing me by.  I’m so grateful for an upcoming opportunity to minister a couple Saturdays a month.  This is not an ambitious desire, but rather a need for the Kingdom of God to be replenished and the sheep tenderly loved.  Not only that, but when we digest food, the excess turns to fat if not burned off somehow.  I’ve been getting fat spiritually and not giving back in any facet.  I feel that is the same as gluttony and is a selfish thing to do.  Again, there is a time and season for everything under the sun.  I needed a time of rest and restoration for myself, but it’s time now.

I don’t think I’ll ever feel “ready” for ministry, but at times like this, I feel I have no choice – else I die of consuming too much food.  The Word is meant to be regurgitated.  My pride keeps me from it.  I would rather do this or that.  I selfishly want what I want.  I do what I want.  I go where Iwant.  When did I stop asking Jesus what HE wants?  My pride makes everything about me.  I’m not condemning myself for something we all do, even if I was the only one.  I’m simply pointing out a part of my life that I’m not proud of and that I want to replace with humility.

It used to be so easy for me to simply look into the eyes of my Father, crawl into His lap, and know the way to His heart.  Now, I stumble around and act like a teen-aged boy about to ask a girl on a first date.  It is so strange for me to feel so distant from the One that ravished my heart for so many years.  It’s awkward and I miss that familiarity so terribly.  Music, worship, tearful prayers have always been the road for me into the secret places of His heart.  It seems I’ve forgotten these “tricks of the trade”.  When I try to play my guitar, everything is old and dried up.  I need new wine skins.  My deepest desire now is a new pathway to the One I love.  I know He is there waiting for me.  I know He is not mad or upset with me.  He loves me with more passion and depth than I can even imagine.  All I want is to feel it again – and try to give Him back in a mere humanly way, the best of me. 

I’ve been reminded of our Wedding Day which has sparked a coal into flame in the bottom of my heart.  Jesus, please fan that small flame into a consuming fire of passion that burns within me again.

The Proposal October 6, 2008

The boyfriend went with me to camp meeting in SC.  This is a once a year event and I have family come to town from near and far for some good ole southern cookin.  It was a fairly comical day because nothing seemed to be going as planned; but that’s what makes life fun and memories worth remembering. 

We had gone to my aunt’s house on the family farm to take showers.  He asked me if I was ready to go for a walk (as he had already told me ahead of time he’d like to go for a walk on the land to decide exactly where we’d like to get married).  I said no because I was yucky and still in my pj’s and wanted to be clean.  He said that’s fine, so we waited to go for a walk until after I was all spiffed up (in my jeans mind you).

So we walked to the aisle between two long rows of pecan trees, but didn’t quite get there because my cousin planted a garden right in the way.  The boyfriend was very nervous, especially after I was talking to him about feeling ‘disconnected and irritable’ that morning.  He decided to bite the bullet because you can’t plan a perfect moment, so he got down on one knee and stumbled through a proposal of marriage.  I really don’t remember his exact words, but I do recall him saying he’s never been so sure of anything in his life.

After that, he of course showed me the ring which was my grandmother’s that he had to get from my mother ahead of time.  He said he didn’t have it sized though.  Poor guy, he almost came to tears when I said I didn’t want to tell anyone we’re engaged until I have a ring to show them.  He felt so horribly bad and I tried to console him and tell him it’s okay, I wasn’t upset. 

So we went back to the campground and had lunch with my family.  After that, we spent the rest of the afternoon driving around Summerville and Charleston looking for a jeweler that would size the ring on the spot.  Hours later, the ring was sized and we went back to the campground for supper.  I made the announcement at the table and of course everyone applauded and offered congratulations.  I thought it was funny that people were asking when the wedding is and we hadn’t even been engaged 24 hours yet.  We need to sit down together and look at the calendar, but I’m thinking May.

It was so sweet that he proposed in the exact spot I want to get married.  It’s also comforting to me that I know he’s my best friend in life and I can tell him anything.  I told him later in the day that I thought I would feel something more or that it would be this magical moment, but I didn’t want to hurt his feelings.  He said the same thing though.  His explanation was that it was like we drained all the magic out of it by talking about getting married so much. . . like if you see the previews for a movie and really want to see it, then you see it and realize all the best parts were in the previews – even though it was a really good movie.  You can’t really apply the word disappointment to it, but almost like not quite meeting an expectation that may or may not have been realistic.  Such is life.

Anyway, I’m officially engaged – very happily so.  And from hence forth, the boyfriend shall now be known as the fiance’.

and ps – he said if I’m jonesing that bad to get my hair cut, then by all means – go get it cut!