I wanted to note all the things I have now that I didn’t have at our old place – just to remind me to continue to be grateful.
Walls inside that make rooms
More than 1 bathroom
Dishwasher
Ice maker
Washer/Dryer
Garbage Disposal
Double Sink
Front and back doors
Seasons
Cook Out
Bathtub
Storage
There’s only a few things missing that I used to have and are no more, like family and friends in the same town, Dick’s Wings (I miss you), a yard for the dog, couches. That’s about it.
So I am going to finish what I started (as I pat myself on the back). A few posts earlier I started a blog about freedom but then had to leave the computer abruptly as is the norm now. Although we have three working computers, only one is connected to the internet now due to a wireless router issue. We found a way around it though and now we have both laptops going.
I do plan to talk about freedom, just let me ramble, k? Now that we are comfortably situated here in my beautiful NC, I have had time to stop and smell the roses… or at least this cool crisp air! I didn’t realize what a hellacious year I’ve had. Honestly, I didn’t even think about everything I was going through until after I was through it. There’s still maybe a little hurdle to jump, but after this past year it looks more like a molehill.
We made a surprise visit down to Jax to see a guest speaker at our church there. It was phenomenal! However, we stayed until Tuesday when the last church meeting was Sunday so we could spend time with our family and friends. That was fine, but we were SOO ready to come HOME. It’s amazing how much a place can feel like home when you know that’s the place you’re supposed to be. We miss our friends and family – sometimes a lot. But there is no place else we would rather be.
Since being here, neither of us have had jobs and our rent is still paid! That’s only one small reason we know we are in God’s will – His provision speaks for itself! Anyway, we feel that one reason we have been jobless is so we could travel to Montana for our honeymoon and go down to Jax for the meetings, but mostly to help out the pastor and his wife here. They both are working and would have no other help with their kids. Now that one of their jobs is slowing down, I might possibly be starting work. It’s all so divine!
I’m kind of just swimming around here and don’t really have much of a point to get to. I had doubts about being here for a while. Hubby was always sure. I was sure too in my heart, but sometimes the voices in my head influence my thinking abilities. After our trip to Jax, there’s no doubt in my mind. I am in my place. Also, being jobless and on this adventure has been wonderful for our marriage. We have had the opportunity to spend SO much time together. The pastor’s car has been broken so we lent him mine and hubby and I even have to go everywhere together in the same car. It’s been wonderful!
I told my mother that I feel like a kid that’s just gone off to college. I finally get to be on my own and use all the wisdom and discernment I’ve learned over the years from my pastor and others that have laid their lives down to pour spiritual riches into my life. I get to actually use that stuff in real life situations. It’s not like I never did before, but I’m the type of person that will sit back and let others do the work if they want to. Here, on my own so to speak, I am not spoon fed. I have to get it for myself . . . and I can due to what I’ve been taught.
Before we moved, I didn’t realize how suffocated I felt. That was no one’s fault at all. That just happens when you continue to grow and keep the same coat and shoes. It was time for me to go out and get new clothes that I can grow into. It’s so comfortable and free! I am free to search avenues of discovery and learn from other streams of belief. I am deeply grounded and rooted in the theology I was raised on. I own it now. I’m just saying that it’s nice to have the freedom to explore and not feel guilty or like I’m being unloyal to a particular belief system. I enjoy listening to different speakers and music and people that have had their own walk with the Lord for many many years. I don’t always agree and usually take the stance of what I’ve been taught – not because I believed at face value, but because I’ve proven it and walked in it. The revelation shown to me became my own revelation when I saw it unfold in my life experiences. I’m not trying to change my mind about anything I believe – I’m only trying to develop it further.
Not only that, but in being married I don’t feel such a deep need to prove myself to anyone or seek out approval for every decision. Trust me, I do still need accountability in my life and appreciate the wisdom of my pastor. I also sometimes struggle with wanting his approval. But most of the time, I know my husband is my biggest encourager, ultimate protector, and closest friend on earth. He has become my sidekick on this journey and we have so much fun figuring it out on our own.
I’m not sure I’m being very clear about this new found freedom, but I don’t really have any words to express it. I’m doing my best with the words I know – they just seem to be getting all jumbled up and confused once leaving my fingertips. I don’t want to sound at all like I’m leaving the path less traveled. I love the path that leads to righteousness and redemption. The path paved with suffering and dealings and hedged by joy and peace is the only road I ever want to be on. Only now, I find myself actually enjoying it. I love being in the way God has me. It’s not always easy and often I question circumstances in my life because circumstances are almost always louder than faith. The world we see influences so many people rather than the Word of God. I choose His Word, His promises, His way. In His life, I find true liberty, joy, peace, fulfillment, and utter happiness and contentment.
This morning when I woke up I was thinking of lots of things I love, like . . .
waking up and going to bed every day with my best friend.
spending time with family.
ice cream.
being married.
being a mom to the best dog in the world.
divine friendships the Lord has given me.
thinking about Heaven and what my family and friends are doing there right now.
going to the movies.
Guiding Light, Golden Girls, Anne of Green Gables.
having someone scratch my back or play with my hair.
a child falling asleep in my arms.
sunsets.
God’s favor in my life.
country music.
long baths.
my favorite holidays (which includes my birthday).
playing different instruments and singing.
writing.
sitting in front of a fire wrapped in a blanket sipping some hot chocolate.
the smell of fresh cut grass or gasoline.
looking at the stars.
JESUS.
Mostly, I LOVE LIVING MY LIFE!!
It’s been a long while since I’ve posted anything. . . didn’t realize it was so long ago. Since my last post, hubby and I moved to NC!! We so love it here, but I miss some of my Floridian friends terribly. I’ve also “celebrated” the 1 year mark of my dad’s death and 2 year mark of Dan’l’s. (Those dates are only 2 days apart). It’s nice being in NC though because I can now visit Keri’s and Dan’l’s parents (2 different sets of people) on a more frequent basis. I grew up about an hour away from where we’re living so I do know lots of people in the area, however I haven’t seen any of them yet except my best friend and my brother. Even Nikki and I have only seen each other once – that’s just crazy to me. We’ve always longed to live closer than 4 states away and now that she’s a 45 minute drive down the road – I still have barely seen her which leads me to my question – where does the time go?
It doesn’t seem like a year since I’ve lost my dad – it does seem more like a year since Dan’l though – but that was 2 years ago. Maybe that’s how it’ll work – like dog years or something. The time goes by so fast – I suppose it’s a good thing when it comes to missing people, but on the other hand it’s kind of stinky. I thought if I didn’t have to work I would have so much more time to get everything done. Not so. There’s ALWAYS something to do or someone to see. My days go by so fast and all I’m doing is laundry and dishes. I don’t get it. Plus, there are so many people I want to go see and visit since moving here but there’s never enough time.
That’s all – just wanted to pose the question that I don’t have the answer to.
this is kind of an addendum to my last post about a heartcry . . .
Friday night after church I started crying on the way home mostly because I was stressed but also I am often surprised at the times when grief rises up out of my heart and finds its way down my cheeks. I thought I was crying because I was overwhelmed, but as I started telling the hubby what was wrong – I realized I was releasing some tears that just needed to find their way out. There’s just a lot of things I don’t talk about because I figure no one wants to hear about it or would be judging me for continuing to grieve over something that happened years ago. I dunno, but I call it healthy.
So since I don’t really talk about it, I thought I’d try it out on my brand new shiny husband. I first was telling him how a car accident on Friday really got to me. Three teenagers were killed – one of them was a student my brother taught. It is just too reminiscent of Keri and Dan’l. Also, a little over a week ago on a Sunday - a lady in our church lost everything she owns to a house fire (reminder – ladies turn off your dryer before leaving the house). Anyway, my heart so hurt for her and I realized also that a LOT of tragedies have happened on Sundays. Dan’l’s accident was on Sunday, August 19th. Jenna’s accident was on Sunday, February 17th (exactly 6 mos. after Dan’l), then my dad died on Sunday, August 17th (exactly 6 mos. after Jenna and 1 yr. after Dan’l). Strange, huh?
So I haven’t gotten to my point yet and I apologize, but I’m working on it . . . so I was in the car telling hubby how every year I write a card to Keri around the same time. Her birthday is May 27th and she died less than a week later on June 2nd (4 days before she graduated high school). She would’ve been 30 this year. The card this year had a kitten on the front with a sad face and said “there’s something missing in my life” and on the inside – it says “YOU”. Every year, it’s a similar card. One of my favorites was Winnie the Pooh on the outside and it showed Piglet way far off in the distance. It said “I’m here, you’re there” and on the inside it said, “No Fair”. So I’m sure you get the point by now – it’s always a card about how much I miss her. So I wrote in the card this year about my wedding and how I wondered what she would be doing with her life if she were still here. Then I wrote to her how I know she’s exactly where she’s supposed to be doing what she was meant to do, “Dancing in the presence of the Lord” as her headstone reads. I miss her grace as she danced.
(rabbit trail here) Last night, the news was on and I was listening to one of the kids that was just released from the hospital. She was in the accident with the others that were killed. There were 9 kids in the car, 3 died, 3 in critical condition still, 2 are out of the hospital, and 1 is still in fair condition. Anyway – I watched what she had to say and then completely lost it when they were talking about the accident. I had to change the channel. It’s so odd to me how most of the time I am okay but then all of a sudden something triggers grief from 11 years ago.
So back to the conversation in the car with the hubby. Let’s see – I told him about the card. Then I told him that Dan’l’s birthday is this month. That’s just hard for me. I’m not sure why. Then the conversation carried on to talking about my dad. It’s just becoming more real for me around Father’s Day. My siblings are all meeting at my brother’s house in NC for Father’s Day because he’s the only one of us that is a father and we wouldn’t ask him to meet us somewhere away from his children and grandkids. I never really gave much thought to Father’s Day before, but this year it has a certain twinge of pain attached to it. I got my brother a father’s day card which was okay and I was only reminded as I was walking away from the card aisle that I’ll never buy my dad another Father’s Day card again. Then another day, I was trying to help the hubby find a card for his dad. It was fine until I found the perfect card for my dad. I slowly put it back on the shelf and had to quit helping the hubby at that point.
As far as my dad’s estate stuff goes – I’m hoping it’s coming to an end, but as excited as that makes me – I’m a little sad about it too. We sold the rental and are just waiting to close on the house. I also gave the grandkids the share that dad left them. It was so bitter sweet yesterday when my nephew called me because he had just gotten the check in the mail. I said “Hello” and he said “Thank you Aunt Dana!”. We talked for a minute about what he wants to do with his money. He’s 17, so I figured the car would be the answer. He told me thank you again and I just told him to thank Granddad. I could hear the sadness in his voice too when he said “yeah”. He loved my dad so much. He was the only grandson and my dad lived with my sister and him the last year of his life. Anyway (geez, I didn’t mean to get so depressing - I’m actually in a very happy mood), the sad part about the stuff slowing down is that I won’t have any more bills of his or anything tying me to his recent life. Everything will become a memory instead of something new I have to do that’s related to my dad.
I guess the moral of this very long story or collision of thoughts if you will is that it’s okay to grieve when you need to – if it’s 11 years later or only 10 months later. I don’t dwell on this as much as you’d think by reading my posts. Writing is a way for me to work out my grief so the times you see a post about it is probably the only time it ever comes up – and it’s a good grief.
Yes, I know – everyone wants to see pictures. Unfortunately, I do not have any yet and if I did, I’m not talented enough to post them on here, so I usually redirect people to facebook or myspace to see pics.
The week before the wedding was extremely hectic and emotional. All the hard work paid off though because everything went smoothly the day of my wedding. . . even the minor incidentals like one of my buttons popping off my wedding gown. At least it was the bottom one next to the zipper, so no one could notice. Those little things usually don’t bother me anyway. My heart was bursting with appreciation and awe at the people that drove for hours to enjoy our little love fest and at the people that worked tirelessly for days to make all my dreams come true. I kept wondering why we didn’t just elope, but after the wedding I’m so grateful that we didn’t.
It was at my family’s farm in SC as I’d always planned. Some of the details I wasn’t thrilled about didn’t seem to matter in the end anyway. We had white chairs and I wanted wooden chairs. That’s okay though, pretty much everyone had a place to sit under the shade of towering pecan trees with a breeze blowing. My best friend of 14 years or so was my matron and her daughters carried my train for me. The now hubby’s brother was his best man. Our beloved pastor performed the ceremony, complete with a time of worship. I walked down the aisle by myself with a charm around my bouquet of my dad holding me as a baby to a song that so adequately describes the love story of Jesus and His Bride. My hubby wore his uniform, in which I’d never seen him before so it was a first for both of us seeing the other. He forgot to wear his white gloves, but that worked out anyway due to the exchange of rings. We both had tears in our eyes as I approached closer and closer. We wrote our own vows that I haven’t stopped hearing about how sweet and precious they were. My precious Sumi-friend sang a song during communion I recruited her for years ago, so I’m sure she was happy to see the fruition of that promise finally be over. hehehe. Oh, and everyone kept making fun of me for pouring the sand instead of the unity candle, but it turned out to be a wise decision. If we had candles, the wind would’ve surely blown them out, so yay for me on that one!! We walked out to the tune of “Linus and Lucy”, the Peanuts theme song and people chuckled. I just think it’s always been such a happy little number.
The reception was nearby in the yard. The wind kept blowing over my portrait, so now the frame is brutally scarred, but that’s okay. It has more character now. The picture boards that I made (actually, I picked out the pictures and a couple wedding elves put them together for me) didn’t get put out til the end due to the wind. One had the song lyrics of a little diddy I wrote for my dad several years ago as he lived on the opposite side of the country. The basic chorus says, “Through the years and the tears and the distance in between us, I will always be your little girl.” It was surrounded by pictures of my dad and I from birth until the last few years. The other picture board had a poem I wrote for my late Paw-Paw and his wife, Louise (no blood relation, but I claim them as my real grandparents). The poem is called the Imprints and is about letting people go when they die, knowing that their life goes on in the Heavenly arms of our Father. This picture board was peppered with pictures of loved ones lost in my life and in my hubby’s. It was kind of my way of honoring the place these people hold in my heart still and I know they would’ve been there in person if they could.
Anyway, we had 5 different flavored cakes all made by family members and all are my favorite kinds of cake! There was a huge bowl full of fresh strawberries from down the road. The punch was delicious (it was strawberry too). The meal was absolutely wonderful thanks to my uncle. It was boston butt bbq, chicken perlot rice, and green beans (I think). My uncles also cooked the night before for the rehearsal dinner. We had fried fish down at the pond on the farm and my wonderful mother-in-law made all the fixins! It was lovely. I forgot to mention the brunch the day of the wedding. I invited family and friends I consider family to a brunch on a pecan orchard. The lady there served us homemade goodies in the likeness of a “tea”. I gave gifts to everyone and wanted to say something sentimental about each one, but I started to cry at the first person I came to, so that didn’t really happen.
Back to the reception, we had a few people toast – not as many as I had hoped, but that’s okay. I cried at a few people’s comments of course. We danced later on to our first dance which was “At Last” by Etta James. We were talking about something and just realized yesterday that we didn’t even take the time to enjoy the dance. The flip flops I was wearing rubbed a hole in my toe – I think that happened when my brother and I were shagging (that is a dance) to Carolina Girl. Hubby and his mom danced to the Hawaiian version of Over the Rainbow. I tried to do something really sweet for my best friend, but it was a bust because the DJ only had the remix of a very slow and intimate song. Oh well. My mom caught the bouquet and our videographer caught the garter (while filming mind you). We found the garter when we opened our camera to watch the wedding yesterday. He’ll get it back sometime unexpectedly we decided. As we left, we were showered with bubbles and lavender buds. My hair looked incredible, but it took forever after we got home to get all the stuff out of it because of the hairspray and curls. So off we went in my Git-R-Done car straight to the car wash where I changed out of my cute little leaving dress into jeans and a t-shirt (finally). Hubby just changed into his flip flops. We then drove home to Jax over the next 3.5 hrs which only seemed like the blink of an eye because we chatted the whole way home. We had barely seen each other up til the point of the wedding because we were working so hard to get everything done in time. We caught up on the weeks events and shared what people had said to us and that kind of thing.
The next morning came and we headed off to Orlando for a much needed getaway. We were SO EXHAUSTED. We slept all afternoon after checking in. We stayed at a 2 bedroom condo and our bathroom had a jacuzzi tub which I used A LOT. I don’t even have a bathtub at our apartment, so I took advantage while I could. The next few days were filled with sleeping, renting movies, Islands of Adventure, Putt-Putt, going to a chick flick, Planet Hollywood, and back home. Oh, well we did have to do that annoying little time share tour with a pushy sales person, but other than that we thoroughly enjoyed ourselves. We came home to a very disappointing empty house. Somehow, we assumed it would be filled with presents for us to open, but instead they were at my mom’s house. So we brought in our luggage and went to get our presents. It took a long time to open them all when we got home and then we watched the wedding while drinking leftover wine from the ceremony.
Now, we’re forced to get back into the daily grind. Hubby is at work. I need to clean and tend to my dad’s estate stuff and should probably go to work for a few hours at least. I’m still ecstatic that I don’t start school until Tuesday again, so I can enjoy a stress-free weekend! Plus, it’s my very last class before I graduate. After that, I can try to make a wedding scrapbook or something. Hopefully, tonight we can make it to the stores to return some very lovely, but not needful gifts. We went through our registry last night and decided on a few things we REALLY wanted, so that’s the plan. Plus there’s mother’s day and his siblings birthday – so we need to get a few gifts.
I’ll let y’all know how the real honeymoon goes when it happens . . . Montana in October!!
I actually have time to blog, can you believe it?? Too bad I’m on my brother’s laptop and can’t upload any pics. 
I’m at my mom’s doing laundry and I have a cold. I’m all by myself too. YAY!
So lately, I’ve been a bit nervous about getting married, but I hear that cold feet are quite common. I don’t doubt my soon to be hubby – I doubt myself (as usual). I’m just so scared of making a mistake and this is the most important decision of my life! When I was talking to him about it this afternoon, he assured me that there will always be someone that is smarter, wittier, more attractive, patient and wealthy, but that God put us together. haha, that doesn’t sound like encouragement, but trust me – it put my heart at ease. Sometimes the “what if’s” get so loud, I can’t hear the symphony of love in my heart. Stinkin devil!!
Anyway, I can’t think of a single person that hasn’t sent us blessings and love. Everyone I know is going out of their way to make my day special and let me know how happy they are for me. It truly warms my heart. I’m signing off for now to get back to the laundry and I wanted to play the piano a little (which I never get to do anymore) . . .
At my church it is taught and I believe the principle to be true that the Sabbath is a state of mind – a place we find spiritually where rest and peace rule supreme no matter the circumstances. My mom has always taught me that the Sabbath Day rest should be honored and no type of work or shopping or cleaning should happen that day. She’s a lot more relaxed about it now, but today I have a new outlook thanks to her guidance.
Lately, I have been beyond overwhelmed and stretched to the limit. I am not complaining because I am perfectly content with everything in my life right now – there’s just a lot to deal with any given day of the week. Dealing with all the affairs in my personal life is a full time job in and of itself without having to actually go to a job (which I also do). I usually can deal with it because I know it is only for a few more months and the rest of my life will not be this way.
So today I had planned to get up and go straight to work. It is absolutely WONDERFUL being able to set my own hours!! After I fed and let my dog out, ate breakfast, and did just a few minutes of homework, I retreated to my bed once again. I read only about a chapter in Proverbs before dozing off to sleep again. I wasn’t asleep very long when I awoke and realized – I am exhausted with my life. I could have gotten up and gone to work, but I NEEDED rest. I think I got a whole of ten hours sleep over the entire weekend. At that point, I decided I was going to stay in the bed and not go to work until after lunch. I kept waking up though and most people would have gotten out of the bed and finally started the day – but I’m not most people. I was forcing myself to stay in the bed regardless of my to do list which is always at the forefront of my mind. I’m not sure if anyone realizes this, but demanding yourself to stay IN the bed is just as difficult as making yourself get out of the bed.
I eventually drifted away again to a very disturbing dream of which I’ll spare you the details. I got up around noon and had lunch and now here I am. Maybe if it were possible for me to stay in a state of peace regardless of my never-ending demands, I wouldn’t be so desperate – but right now I feel completely at peace with taking one day of the week (or a half day even) for myself to do absolutely nothing . . . no homework, no church meetings, no bills, no wedding plans, no lawyers or banks or plumbers or renters or airlines or even family to deal with. I need to make time at least once a week if not more frequently to sit in the silence and enjoy the peace.
Many people can and do live their lives even more busy than I am. I’m not intentionally trying to compare, but the bottom line is that I just cannot do it anymore. I can’t be at church 5 nights a week like many others from my church. I just can’t. I can’t work 40 hours a week like the rest of America. I just can’t. Physically and emotionally, I need a Sabbath rest in my life – a literal one.
Lately, even when I’m at church I am bombarded with voices and lies in my head that I constantly have to hold before the throne of grace. It’s tiresome. Many times I try to be more like my fiance’ because I admire his passion, enthusiasm, and innocence toward the things of God. I feel mostly cynical though. Seriously, he studies before work, during his breaks & lunch, then comes home and worships and studies the Word until he goes to a church meeting at night. Not only do I not have the time or energy to do that – I don’t have the desire. We are in different stages spiritually though and we were talking the other day about the wonderful balance we bring to each other as a man and a woman. I was explaining the thoughts I have every time I’m at church and how hard it is. He was explaining how when that happens to him, he just shrugs it off and lets it come in one ear and out the other with no inkling of an emotion about it. I explained to him that women are wired completely differently. With every thought of judgment or cynicism toward people come emotions of doubt, bitterness, resentment, anger, disappointment, and fear. EVERY thought has an emotion attached to it. So not only do I have to let go of the thought – I have to speak to that emotion. The fiance’ is so sweet though – he says there’s no way he could do that and that I’m a stronger person than he. Go figure – we have the same opinion of each other. The point here is that I need a Sabbath rest – an entire state of mind.
Today, the fiance’ came home from lunch (since I left him a message asking him to do so). He gave me a big consuming hug and said, “You’re doing a great job. You’re going be okay. I really do think you’re doing great.” My response was, “You don’t think I’m just being lazy? I promise I’ll get everything done.” He doesn’t even care what I do or don’t do. He truly just loves me for who I am. He’s so encouraging. This post wasn’t supposed to be all about him. I just have no idea how I could deal with everything right now if it weren’t for him. Well, I wouldn’t be planning a wedding – that’s for sure! hehe
Mostly, I stress myself out by my constant change from a type B to a type A person. I used to be SOO laid back and a huge procrastinator. Now I am nothing of the sort. I suppose at times I can be laid back, but I rarely procrastinate anymore. Nothing would ever get done by deadlines if I did that – because of the insurmountable amount of things to do. I hate asking for the fiance’s help with stuff because he works 40 hours a week and goes to church every night of the week. I’m not asking him to stop either of those things. He does what he can when he can, but he’s usually good at taking time to play his video games or read or watch a movie when he needs a break. I need to learn to do the same instead of criticizing and demanding that time for myself (which I’m really not even that demanding if you know me).
Anyway, I just thought I’d let y’all know that I plan on slowing down a little bit when I need to – maybe cut back on church meetings and relax about rushing to get wedding stuff done. I’ll even plan more time to write and worship like I love to do. Most of all, I’m learning to have a good Sabbath rest - literally and spiritually.
I could do what I really want to do today; I would go outside on my deck, sit in the porch swing my dad bought me last year, and read the book my fiance’s brother gave him for his birthday.
I suppose I could drift outside and sit in the swing, but the fiance’ has the book since it is technically his and he’s actually been reading it. (I’m surprised myself). It’s such a beautiful day and I find myself sitting behind the computer, looking out my wide open door at the perfectly still swing that overlooks the creek and trees in the back yard (along with a couple diesel trucks, hoses, gravel, etc. – it is still the city). I have a TON of homework due today and as you can see – I’m all over it! hehe
Even though I’m stuck inside on this beautiful Florida day, I am still procrastinating the inevitable. I figured while I’m on here – I’ll try this picture thing again. I STINK at adding pictures, but promised to add some of the fiance’ and me a while back. I might add a few others of people I’ve mentioned in previous blogs (and seem to keep coming up). . .
and once again – the picture thing is a no go. you can blame my computer since it’s saying there’s technical difficulties or something. sorry folks!
Seriously. Why hormones? Why?
Today is one of the days where I woke up ready to conquer the world, which is wonderful since I start work today! I have no idea why I even bother with feeling overwhelmed at times. Jesus has always been faithful to provide a way for me, to have a roof over my head, clothes on my back, food in my belly. Why do I doubt Him so much sometimes and take the weight of the world on my own shoulders?
When my dad died, at first I was okay. After a month at least, my faith was really tried and I felt disappointed by God. He let me down. That had never happened before in my life. He was always the ONE I could trust that wouldn’t disappoint me. After that, I felt completely alone and abandoned. I prayed and He didn’t answer – at least the way I thought He should. I stood on the promises in His Word and reminded Him, but it made no difference. He did what He wanted to do, regardless of those promises. Finally, I came to the conclusion that God is Sovereign and there are just some mysteries we will never know this side of Heaven. I wasn’t upset that my dad died. I get it by now, people die. I was upset that Jesus didn’t do the miracle I knew He could do. Maybe one day I’ll understand, but it’s taken me a while to trust Him again. I do recall telling my dad that Jesus would heal him, one way or another, here on earth or in Heaven. I believed that, but I believed it really would be here on earth, not the latter. Obviously, I was wrong, but at least my dad did get his healing.
So yesterday I flippantly threw a prayer in God’s direction, not really expecting much to come back my way. I was surprised. By the end of the day, I got a phone call that met more expectations than what I was even asking for. I needed work, but I’m so tired of looking. I was hoping something would just fall in my lap, but knew that was not likely. The phone call was where I used to work. They need me only for 20 hours a week (which is pretty much all the hours I have available to work) for four months (which is exactly the time frame I’ll need a job before graduating) and it’s incredible pay for a part time job (which will more than make up for wedding expenses). Go figure. Jesus is proving Himself to me once again.
It is such an incredible load off my shoulders to not have to worry about getting a job, starting a new job, and then not making enough money for bills. These are things I carry quietly, but I’m so excited they’re gone I just can’t help myself!
God is SOO good. I keep saying that, but it’s true. I was talking with the fiance’ a few days ago about other couples we know (not in a bad way). I just love how perfect our relationship is. Of course, there are a few speed bumps we run into here and there which is to be expected. I was just talking about things other couples do or say that I wouldn’t be able to deal with. I know other people have looked at us, and even said things to me, about how he should or shouldn’t do this or act like that or needs to change whatever. We all have things to work on, but I never could’ve imagined someone so suited for me. We’re not one of those couples that’s super sweet to each other all the time. We’re never mean to each other, but we enjoy a daily dose of sarcasm which we both find funny. Maybe other people don’t get that, but my personality and his go hand in hand. Only God could’ve done that. I’m sure others don’t understand a lot about our relationship, but it amazes me that he is the only person on this earth that knows EVERYTHING about me, no secrets or lies and still loves me. The same goes for him – he has told me every ugly secret in his past, but it makes no difference. Only Jesus offers this kind of agape’ unconditional love. That’s how I know it’s from Him.
So my point today is that I’m encouraged in my faith, in my daily life, in my relationships, in general. Jesus really is faithful – regardless of the voices whispering differently.
