Freedom Revisited November 4, 2009

So I am going to finish what I started (as I pat myself on the back).  A few posts earlier I started a blog about freedom but then had to leave the computer abruptly as is the norm now. Although we have three working computers, only one is connected to the internet now due to a wireless router issue. We found a way around it though and now we have both laptops going.

I do plan to talk about freedom, just let me ramble, k? Now that we are comfortably situated here in my beautiful NC, I have had time to stop and smell the roses… or at least this cool crisp air! I didn’t realize what  a hellacious year I’ve had. Honestly, I didn’t even think about everything I was going through until after I was through it. There’s still maybe a little hurdle to jump, but after this past year it looks more like a molehill.

We made a surprise visit down to Jax to see a guest speaker at our church there. It was phenomenal! However, we stayed until Tuesday when the last church meeting was Sunday so we could spend time with our family and friends. That was fine, but we were SOO ready to come HOME. It’s amazing how much a place can feel like home when you know that’s the place you’re supposed to be. We miss our friends and family – sometimes a lot. But there is no place else we would rather be.

Since being here, neither of us have had jobs and our rent is still paid! That’s only one small reason we know we are in God’s will – His provision speaks for itself! Anyway, we feel that one reason we have been jobless is so we could travel to Montana for our honeymoon and go down to Jax for the meetings, but mostly to help out the pastor and his wife here. They both are working and would have no other help with their kids. Now that one of their jobs is slowing down, I might possibly be starting work. It’s all so divine!

I’m kind of just swimming around here and don’t really have much of a point to get to. I had doubts about being here for a while. Hubby was always sure. I was sure too in my heart, but sometimes the voices in my head influence my thinking abilities. After our trip to Jax, there’s no doubt in my mind. I am in my place. Also, being jobless and on this adventure has been wonderful for our marriage. We have had the opportunity to spend SO much time together. The pastor’s car has been broken so we lent him mine and hubby and I even have to go everywhere together in the same car. It’s been wonderful!

I told my mother that I feel like a kid that’s just gone off to college. I finally get to be on my own and use all the wisdom and discernment I’ve learned over the years from my pastor and others that have laid their lives down to pour spiritual riches into my life. I get to actually use that stuff in real life situations. It’s not like I never did before, but I’m the type of person that will sit back and let others do the work if they want to. Here, on my own so to speak, I am not spoon fed. I have to get it for myself . . . and I can due to what I’ve been taught.

Before we moved, I didn’t realize how suffocated I felt. That was no one’s fault at all. That just happens when you continue to grow and keep the same coat and shoes. It was time for me to go out and get new clothes that I can grow into. It’s so comfortable and free! I am free to search avenues of discovery and learn from other streams of belief. I am deeply grounded and rooted in the theology I was raised on. I own it now. I’m just saying that it’s nice to have the freedom to explore and not feel guilty or like I’m being unloyal to a particular belief system. I enjoy listening to different speakers and music and people that have had their own walk with the Lord for many many years. I don’t always agree and usually take the stance of what I’ve been taught – not because I believed at face value, but because I’ve proven it and walked in it. The revelation shown to me became my own revelation when I saw it unfold in my life experiences. I’m not trying to change my mind about anything I believe – I’m only trying to develop it further.

Not only that, but in being married I don’t feel such a deep need to prove myself to anyone or seek out approval for every decision. Trust me, I do still need accountability in my life and appreciate the wisdom of my pastor. I also sometimes struggle with wanting his approval. But most of the time, I know my husband is my biggest encourager, ultimate protector, and closest friend on earth. He has become my sidekick on this journey and we have so much fun figuring it out on our own.

I’m not sure I’m being very clear about this new found freedom, but I don’t really have any words to express it. I’m doing my best with the words I know – they just seem to be getting all jumbled up and confused once leaving my fingertips. I don’t want to sound at all like I’m leaving the path less traveled. I love the path that leads to righteousness and redemption. The path paved with suffering and dealings and hedged by joy and peace is the only road I ever want to be on. Only now, I find myself actually enjoying it. I love being in the way God has me. It’s not always easy and often I question circumstances in my life because circumstances are almost always louder than faith. The world we see influences so many people rather than the Word of God. I choose His Word, His promises, His way. In His life, I find true liberty, joy, peace, fulfillment, and utter happiness and contentment.

 

What I’m Not September 12, 2009

I’m not one of those people that is super cheerful all the time. I don’t have many natural talents or abilities. Idon’t always look at myself for who I really am, rather I look at those around me and see what I’m not. The Bible says it is not wise to compare ourselves. I suppose it is a natural instinct because how else are we supposed to know how we measure up? Yet, that is not wisdom and is definitely not God’s best or highest for us.

I look at what I want to be and realize I am not the answer to many problems I’d like to solve for people. I am no one’s healer. I am no one’s savior. In my heart of hearts, I long to be that person though – something I’m not. There are several people in my life that struggle so badly to be who they are or who they want to be instead of the picture perfect person they are expected to be. I wish I could help, but I cannot.

It could be quite depressing to dwell on what I’m not and what I can’t do, so I’ve decided to shift gears and change focus. A few days ago, the Lord really met me in a dark deep pit I was in. The ironic thing is, I thought I was on my way up a mountain. We are never too far from the Grace of God. David wrote a Psalm about how even if I make my bed in Hell, He is there with me. There are just so many other things I would rather be than what Iam. Well, not that I would rather be that, but I would like to add those aspects to my current condition and character. I would love for everything I touch to turn to sunshine and I want to color this world with peace, joy, love, happiness, etc.

I am not a liar. Other than being completely honest with Jesus, I strive to be honest with myself and then others. I am not a murderer or a cheater or an adulterer. I am not a lot of things.

What I am is a child of God – His princess. I don’t have to be anything more than that. I don’t have to mark this world with a legacy of hope and change. I am HIS. I belong to HIM. He is my Master, Savior, Husband, Teacher, Deliverer, Restorer, Father, Protector, Provider. Instead of focusing on what I am not, I choose to focus on what HE is. When I see who He really is – I realize who and what I am. No, I am not all those things I wish I could be, I am much more. I am His Beloved. I am the apple of His eye.

So if no one else or even myself ever recognizes the few gifts and talents the Lord has bestowed upon me, I am confident in this - I am a child of God’s. I will not go without. He is every answer I need.

Watching “Sleeping Hubby” July 3, 2009

a quick side note before I even get started – I think this is what mothers do with their babies which makes me question my normalcy . . . once again.

 Hubby was taking a quick nap on top of the bed before class, so I laid down opposite him and just watched. I have to do my studying of the hubby while he sleeps because he hates it when I stare. I inspected all the hair on his face and how there is a straight line in the middle of his mustache from the bottom of his nose to the top of his lip where no hair seems to grow. I’d never noticed that before. Maybe it’s because he just trimmed and as the hair grows, it intermingles together. I examined all the freckles on his legs and think it’s neat how the hair just stops growing at the bottom of his ankles. I know that’s the case for most men (and women) but I never really looked before. It’s like those leotards that stop at the ankle and don’t have the footie part. I always make fun of his hobbit feet as I call them, but he really doesn’t have hobbit feet. I just say that because we enjoy picking on each other. He has great feet for a guy – I’m a little jealous. He has perfect toenails and it’s just not right that his look better than mine  I continued letting my eyes roam until I found something to focus on for a minute and then watched as his chest raised and fell as he breathed through a slightly opened mouth. He was laying with his hand under his face which pushed the skin up around his eye, so I could see the bottom of his pupil roaming around in his sweet slumber. I thoroughly studied the lines of his tattoo on his left arm since he was laying on his right side and wondered why Jesus’ thumb and pinky looked exactly the same as they hold a banner that reads FORGIVEN. He won’t let me name his tattoos (because another odd tendency of mine is to name inanimate objects), but if they had names they would be easier to talk about. Then my eyes roamed and saw some long stray armpit hair that I thought about trimming. Yes, I know I’m weird – I have a strange fascination with playing with fire and cutting hair, neither of which I’m trained to do. 

 As I laid there falling more in love with this man in front of me, my mind wandered to the place it always goes no matter how hard I fight it. I wondered how much longer he would be in my life. Would it be until I die or until Jesus comes back? Or would he leave this world one day far too soon and way before I’m ready to let go? It is sad to say, but I do believe my brain has been reprogrammed when it comes to life and death. I almost expect it when I hear news of someone’s passing – like I knew it was coming, but didn’t know exactly when. That in no way makes the loss any more bearable or easier. I know this sounds terribly depressing, but it really inspires and reminds me to cherish every moment I have with him.

 Anyway, I am reminded of a song as I write about watching my lovey sleep. You’ve probably guessed it by now – yep, Aerosmith. I always thought that song was absolutely ridiculous because I don’t care how much I love someone, I need my beauty sleep people! I can now understand how blissful it can be to revel in the beauty of love while watching that kindred spirit, that person who owns your heart, in such a peaceful state. The actual quote I was thinking while watching “Sleeping Hubby” was a line from the old Spartacus movie where he is laying on the ground with the woman he loves and he tells her how he wants to know every inch of her body.

 There’s actually a spiritual lesson I learned from my daydreaming gazes. Jesus spends all his time gazing at us and admiring every little detail of our spirit. We are his creation after all. We are his masterpiece and He spends His time choosing to look upon us with favor. I think we would be wise to do the same. We are all He gets. He already has all of creation, but we have a free will and if we choose not to love him back – He’s lost His entire inheritance. I am personally encouraged to spend time looking upon Him as I do my Sleeping Hubby. I want to know what Jesus thinks, feels, loves, laughs at, cries about. I want to know His WAYS, not just His ACTS. We could all benefit from studying and watching Him.

recent reminders of a heartcry May 18, 2009

I suppose it all started on Friday when my mom and I were discussing my wedding.  She was talking about Dan’l’s mom and I was so blessed that his parents drove 3 hrs. just for me.  She told my mom of what a blessing I’ve been to them, but if she only knew how much they mean to me.  Anyway, later that night at church we sang an old song we used to sing in the Baptist youth group what seems like a lifetime ago.  As the lyrics came out of my mouth, tears streamed down my face.  I could almost hear Dan’l singing “As the deer panteth for the water, so my soul longeth after Thee.  You alone are my heart’s desire and I long to worship You.  You alone are my strength, my shield, to you alone may my spirit yield.  You alone are my heart’s desire and I long to worship You.”  (I think those are the lyrics, but don’t quote me even if it is in quotation marks).  He seemed so close like I could almost touch him.  As I sang, my heart was flooded with sweet memories of my dear friend and how much I treasured his friendship and cherished his place in my heart.  Even now as I type, my eyes well up with tears. 

The next day I was knee deep in my dad’s rental house affairs.  I don’t want to get into it – I think I get a new grey hair every time I talk about it.  Long story short, I was looking for some paperwork and came across a couple papers in my dad’s handwriting of repairs he intended to make on the rental.  The tears came again.  I think of my dad every day as I don’t have a choice dealing with all of his business, but seeing his handwriting made me actually think about him and how I miss him so terribly.  I miss calling him with questions about car insurance or what’s the best way to season and make fresh mahi or telling him about the possibility of moving to another state.  I just miss him, that’s all.

So Sunday morning came and the radio woke me up to an old worship song that we used to sing at FCA in high school.  My friend Keri always requested “Seek ye first the kingdom of God and His righteousness and all these things shall be added unto you, Halleu-Hallelujah.”  I always requested to sing the Grin Again Gang song because it was just fun, but not meaningful at all.  So as the song on the radio continued its melody, my heart began to sing to the tune of the friendship, the sisterhood I once shared with Keri.  Good grief, we could fight!  But we were sisters.  Her mom and sister were also at the wedding.  Her sister did my hair and I must say I was quite ravishing!  They were fighting back tears a little on the video when telling us congratulations and how much I mean to them.  They are family to me.

I then saw a little girl after church again that I saw the previous week for the first time.  She looks nothing like our adorable little Jenna from the front, but last week I almost gasped when I saw this little girl walk past.  I somehow caught the attention of Jenna’s mom and asked if she had seen this child.  She looked at me with such longing eyes and we talked about how almost uncanny this child is to Jenna from behind.  If only her hair were a shade or two lighter with curls.  I was thinking that there are so many adorable little girls, but none have matched the “adorability” (a word I think I just made up) of Jenna.  She could make any day brighter even in her worst of moods by just being so stinkin adorable!

I was talking to the hubby about this yesterday because he knows I’ve had a sadness about me this weekend.  I think somewhere in the business of my life, grief has been supressed – or at least put on the back burner.  Maybe I’m empathizing a little bit because you can see a hint of sadness or maybe a bit of pain even behind the laughter in the eyes of the parents of all these that I so dearly love.  All of them love the Lord dearly and walk daily in His wonderful grace.  It doesn’t mean there’s no healing; its just a heartcry for those who can never be replaced in our lives and an anxiousness to get to Heaven and embrace them once again.

Sabbath February 23, 2009

At my church it is taught and I believe the principle to be true that the Sabbath is a state of mind – a place we find spiritually where rest and peace rule supreme no matter the circumstances.  My mom has always taught me that the Sabbath Day rest should be honored and no type of work or shopping or cleaning should happen that day.  She’s a lot more relaxed about it now, but today I have a new outlook thanks to her guidance. 

Lately, I have been beyond overwhelmed and stretched to the limit.  I am not complaining because I am perfectly content with everything in my life right now – there’s just a lot to deal with any given day of the week.  Dealing with all the affairs in my personal life is a full time job in and of itself without having to actually go to a job (which I also do).  I usually can deal with it because I know it is only for a few more months and the rest of my life will not be this way. 

So today I had planned to get up and go straight to work.  It is absolutely WONDERFUL being able to set my own hours!!  After I fed and let my dog out, ate breakfast, and did just a few minutes of homework, I retreated to my bed once again.  I read only about a chapter in Proverbs before dozing off to sleep again.  I wasn’t asleep very long when I awoke and realized – I am exhausted with my life.  I could have gotten up and gone to work, but I NEEDED rest.  I think I got a whole of ten hours sleep over the entire weekend.  At that point, I decided I was going to stay in the bed and not go to work until after lunch.  I kept waking up though and most people would have gotten out of the bed and finally started the day – but I’m not most people.  I was forcing myself to stay in the bed regardless of my to do list which is always at the forefront of my mind.  I’m not sure if anyone realizes this, but demanding yourself to stay IN the bed is just as difficult as making yourself get out of the bed.

I eventually drifted away again to a very disturbing dream of which I’ll spare you the details.  I got up around noon and had lunch and now here I am.  Maybe if it were possible for me to stay in a state of peace regardless of my never-ending demands, I wouldn’t be so desperate – but right now I feel completely at peace with taking one day of the week (or a half day even) for myself to do absolutely nothing . . . no homework, no church meetings, no bills, no wedding plans, no lawyers or banks or plumbers or renters or airlines or even family to deal with.  I need to make time at least once a week if not more frequently to sit in the silence and enjoy the peace.

Many people can and do live their lives even more busy than I am.  I’m not intentionally trying to compare, but the bottom line is that I just cannot do it anymore.  I can’t be at church 5 nights a week like many others from my church.  I just can’t.  I can’t work 40 hours a week like the rest of America.  I just can’t.  Physically and emotionally, I need a Sabbath rest in my life – a literal one. 

Lately, even when I’m at church I am bombarded with voices and lies in my head that I constantly have to hold before the throne of grace.  It’s tiresome.  Many times I try to be more like my fiance’ because I admire his passion, enthusiasm, and innocence toward the things of God.  I feel mostly cynical though.  Seriously, he studies before work, during his breaks & lunch, then comes home and worships and studies the Word until he goes to a church meeting at night.  Not only do I not have the time or energy to do that – I don’t have the desire.  We are in different stages spiritually though and we were talking the other day about the wonderful balance we bring to each other as a man and a woman.  I was explaining the thoughts I have every time I’m at church and how hard it is.  He was explaining how when that happens to him, he just shrugs it off and lets it come in one ear and out the other with no inkling of an emotion about it.  I explained to him that women are wired completely differently.  With every thought of judgment or cynicism toward people come emotions of doubt, bitterness, resentment, anger, disappointment, and fear.  EVERY thought has an emotion attached to it.  So not only do I have to let go of the thought – I have to speak to that emotion.  The fiance’ is so sweet though – he says there’s no way he could do that and that I’m a stronger person than he.  Go figure – we have the same opinion of each other.  The point here is that I need a Sabbath rest – an entire state of mind. 

Today, the fiance’ came home from lunch (since I left him a message asking him to do so).  He gave me a big consuming hug and said, “You’re doing a great job.  You’re going be okay.  I really do think you’re doing great.”  My response was, “You don’t think I’m just being lazy?  I promise I’ll get everything done.”  He doesn’t even care what I do or don’t do.  He truly just loves me for who I am.  He’s so encouraging.  This post wasn’t supposed to be all about him.  I just have no idea how I could deal with everything right now if it weren’t for him.  Well, I wouldn’t be planning a wedding – that’s for sure!  hehe

Mostly, I stress myself out by my constant change from a type B to a type A person.  I used to be SOO laid back and a huge procrastinator.  Now I am nothing of the sort.  I suppose at times I can be laid back, but I rarely procrastinate anymore.  Nothing would ever get done by deadlines if I did that – because of the insurmountable amount of things to do.  I hate asking for the fiance’s help with stuff because he works 40 hours a week and goes to church every night of the week.  I’m not asking him to stop either of those things.  He does what he can when he can, but he’s usually good at taking time to play his video games or read or watch a movie when he needs a break.  I need to learn to do the same instead of criticizing and demanding that time for myself (which I’m really not even that demanding if you know me). 

Anyway, I just thought I’d let y’all know that I plan on slowing down a little bit when I need to – maybe cut back on church meetings and relax about rushing to get wedding stuff done.  I’ll even plan more time to write and worship like I love to do.  Most of all, I’m learning to have a good Sabbath rest - literally and spiritually.

Encouraged January 21, 2009

Seriously.  Why hormones?  Why? 

Today is one of the days where I woke up ready to conquer the world, which is wonderful since I start work today!  I have no idea why I even bother with feeling overwhelmed at times.  Jesus has always been faithful to provide a way for me, to have a roof over my head, clothes on my back, food in my belly.  Why do I doubt Him so much sometimes and take the weight of the world on my own shoulders?

When my dad died, at first I was okay.  After a month at least, my faith was really tried and I felt disappointed by God.  He let me down.  That had never happened before in my life.  He was always the ONE I could trust that wouldn’t disappoint me.  After that, I felt completely alone and abandoned.  I prayed and He didn’t answer – at least the way I thought He should.  I stood on the promises in His Word and reminded Him, but it made no difference.  He did what He wanted to do, regardless of those promises.  Finally, I came to the conclusion that God is Sovereign and there are just some mysteries we will never know this side of Heaven.  I wasn’t upset that my dad died.  I get it by now, people die.  I was upset that Jesus didn’t do the miracle I knew He could do.  Maybe one day I’ll understand, but it’s taken me a while to trust Him again.  I do recall telling my dad that Jesus would heal him, one way or another, here on earth or in Heaven.  I believed that, but I believed it really would be here on earth, not the latter.  Obviously, I was wrong, but at least my dad did get his healing.

So yesterday I flippantly threw a prayer in God’s direction, not really expecting much to come back my way.  I was surprised.  By the end of the day, I got a phone call that met more expectations than what I was even asking for.  I needed work, but I’m so tired of looking.  I was hoping something would just fall in my lap, but knew that was not likely.  The phone call was where I used to work.  They need me only for 20 hours a week (which is pretty much all the hours I have available to work) for four months (which is exactly the time frame I’ll need a job before graduating) and it’s incredible pay for a part time job (which will more than make up for wedding expenses).  Go figure.  Jesus is proving Himself to me once again. 

It is such an incredible load off my shoulders to not have to worry about getting a job, starting a new job, and then not making enough money for bills.  These are things I carry quietly, but I’m so excited they’re gone I just can’t help myself!

God is SOO good.  I keep saying that, but it’s true.  I was talking with the fiance’ a few days ago about other couples we know (not in a bad way).  I just love how perfect our relationship is.  Of course, there are a few speed bumps we run into here and there which is to be expected.  I was just talking about things other couples do or say that I wouldn’t be able to deal with.  I know other people have looked at us, and even said things to me, about how he should or shouldn’t do this or act like that or needs to change whatever.  We all have things to work on, but I never could’ve imagined someone so suited for me.  We’re not one of those couples that’s super sweet to each other all the time.  We’re never mean to each other, but we enjoy a daily dose of sarcasm which we both find funny.  Maybe other people don’t get that, but my personality and his go hand in hand.  Only God could’ve done that.  I’m sure others don’t understand a lot about our relationship, but it amazes me that he is the only person on this earth that knows EVERYTHING about me, no secrets or lies and still loves me.  The same goes for him – he has told me every ugly secret in his past, but it makes no difference.  Only Jesus offers this kind of agape’ unconditional love.  That’s how I know it’s from Him.

So my point today is that I’m encouraged in my faith, in my daily life, in my relationships, in general.  Jesus really is faithful – regardless of the voices whispering differently.

These Days January 20, 2009

Days like today just suck.  I wake up completely depressed and void of all motivation.  The only thing remotely enticing would be sleeping or laying the bed reading a good book.  I don’t have anything in particular in my mind except how I just cannot find it within myself to do anything productive.  I have good days too.  Days when I wake up ready to hit the ground running and I get a long list of things done.  Unfortunately, today is not one of those days.

However, I do feel privileged to have the opportunity to do nothing, unless that works against me.  I currently don’t have a job which is fine because I might call in.  On the other hand, I’m in a position where having a job is not imperative, but would be most helpful with some bills.  I can put off homework until Thursday, and wedding invitations and party favors can wait, the only thing that’s driving me bonkers is my messy house.  I desperately need to exercise also.  A shower is needful at this point too.

I wonder why my mood and outlook changes so quickly.  Sunday, I had an amazing time in worship.  I was reminded of God’s faithfulness and how many prayers in my life that have been answered.  He is SOO good to me and I had lost sight of that.  At that moment in worship, I felt so close to all my family and friends in Heaven, like we were all worshipping together.  I had my eyes closed and I could see my dad clapping and bouncing on his toes like he would; I saw Dan’l bowing with his face to the ground; I saw Keri dancing more freely than ever, and little Jenna copying her every move with bursts of running and giggling; I saw both my grandmothers with tears on their cheeks, and my PawPaw sitting with his hands on his knees so somberly.  We were all singing the same song “Worthy is the Lamb” and giving Jesus all the glory.  I was so happy in that moment and wanted so badly to be where they are, but I’m still here. 

That’s not why I feel depressed, I don’t think.  Maybe I just have this idea of what life should be like or the person I want to be and I’m not that person.  I miss being head over heels in love with Jesus.  I try, but I just don’t have the energy within.  There’s a book the fiance’ got for his birthday I started to read, but he took it with him since it is his book.  It seemed interesting, in the first few pages anyway, and was about having a passion for Jesus.  That was random, but I think my biggest problem, other than avoiding time with Jesus, is trying to be what I used to be instead of what I am and what God wants me to be.

I never thought before that I was living in the past wishing things were the way they were “back when”.  I suppose I do that though.  I don’t want to change my circumstances, but I miss that part of me that either got lost or I grew out of.  I’m trying to find my place in a new place, new wine skins because the old ones would’ve busted.  I dunno, it’s another part of growing I suppose.  People just get on my nerves so easily and I don’t know why.  I used to LOVE being with people.  Now, I find myself criticizing their every move (which if you know me is highly unlike me).  Maybe that’s just one of those dark places in the chambers of my soul I didn’t know existed until God put His finger on it. 

It just seems the old tricks of the trade that would inspire intimacy with my God are not working now and I must forge a new path, but am I desperate enough to pay the price and how much commitment do I really have in me these days?

My First Love (and the disease that separates us) January 13, 2009

If you had asked me a little over a year ago what it would be like to live every day with someone you choose to love (romantically), my response would be completely drawn from my relationship with Jesus.  The many years I’ve been single while my closest friends were getting married and having babies, I’ve spent with my first love – Jesus.  When I was overwhelmed with life, He was the One I talked to.  He was the first person I said “Good morning” to and the last person I said “Good night” to.  If I couldn’t handle the finances or a bill was due when I had no money, I would remind Him that He is my Husband and I am HIS responsibility, bills and all.  He has always been the “man of the house”. 

Somewhere over the last year in the transition from being single to getting married, I’ve started to become more dependant on the fiance’ for these little daily occurrences and have failed to give that attention and responsibility to the only Person it belongs, Jesus.  Don’t get me wrong, Jesus never took out the trash or walked my dog for me in person, but there was always help when I needed it.  And I’m EXTREMELY grateful for the fiance’ and all his help.  I just miss the rawness and the passion of my first Love.

This past year, I’ve also been aware of an impairing disease I carry with me that keeps me from Jesus.  It’s like a cancer that consumes my time and steals me away from intimate moments with my precious Jesus.  It’s name is pride.  To me, pride is the root of every sin and would consume us completely if not for the Grace of God and His compassionate Holy Spirit.  Granted, part of feeling ’stale’ is because I don’t have much of an outlet at this point in my life.  I’m not blaming anyone, but myself for that.  Since my dad died, my life has been a whirlwind which is passing me by.  I’m so grateful for an upcoming opportunity to minister a couple Saturdays a month.  This is not an ambitious desire, but rather a need for the Kingdom of God to be replenished and the sheep tenderly loved.  Not only that, but when we digest food, the excess turns to fat if not burned off somehow.  I’ve been getting fat spiritually and not giving back in any facet.  I feel that is the same as gluttony and is a selfish thing to do.  Again, there is a time and season for everything under the sun.  I needed a time of rest and restoration for myself, but it’s time now.

I don’t think I’ll ever feel “ready” for ministry, but at times like this, I feel I have no choice – else I die of consuming too much food.  The Word is meant to be regurgitated.  My pride keeps me from it.  I would rather do this or that.  I selfishly want what I want.  I do what I want.  I go where Iwant.  When did I stop asking Jesus what HE wants?  My pride makes everything about me.  I’m not condemning myself for something we all do, even if I was the only one.  I’m simply pointing out a part of my life that I’m not proud of and that I want to replace with humility.

It used to be so easy for me to simply look into the eyes of my Father, crawl into His lap, and know the way to His heart.  Now, I stumble around and act like a teen-aged boy about to ask a girl on a first date.  It is so strange for me to feel so distant from the One that ravished my heart for so many years.  It’s awkward and I miss that familiarity so terribly.  Music, worship, tearful prayers have always been the road for me into the secret places of His heart.  It seems I’ve forgotten these “tricks of the trade”.  When I try to play my guitar, everything is old and dried up.  I need new wine skins.  My deepest desire now is a new pathway to the One I love.  I know He is there waiting for me.  I know He is not mad or upset with me.  He loves me with more passion and depth than I can even imagine.  All I want is to feel it again – and try to give Him back in a mere humanly way, the best of me. 

I’ve been reminded of our Wedding Day which has sparked a coal into flame in the bottom of my heart.  Jesus, please fan that small flame into a consuming fire of passion that burns within me again.

Merchant Band January 13, 2009

On our Thanksgiving vacation to my fiance’s family’s lake house, I retreated to the dock with my guitar to try to find some inspiration.  Shortly thereafter, my soon-to-be brother-in-law joined me with his guitar.  He played a couple new songs he learned and I absolutely fell in love with them.  Then the day after Thanksgiving when we drove 45 minutes to Gainesville for Black Friday shopping, he played the original music from the artists in the car.  (Quite honestly, I liked his version better than the recorded versions).  I love to worship, but lately it’s been a little stale so I’m dying for something new.  Just a couple days ago, the future in-law gave me this cd that has one of the songs on it that he played.  I’m not sure if I’m supposed to return it or not, but it’s mine if only for a little while.

I’ve been listening to the last three songs on repeat for two days.  Here’s some of the lyrics:

Under Your Smile(Tim Reimherr)

Could I sit for a while under Your smile and not say a word. 
‘Cause the cry of my heart is to be set apart and I know You’ve heard. 
I’ve turned from all the ways and the choices that I made that were hurting You.
So I’ll trust and believe that You’ve washed me clean and I’m pleasing You.

Chorus:
I don’t want to be anywhere else but by Your side.
I don’t want to be anything less than pure in Your eyes.
I am Yours, You are mine
Beyond time nothing will separate us, Lord
Hold me now in Your arms till forever comes

Could I sit at Your feet, feel Your gaze upon me
As I trust You’re near
All the words that You speak are life unto me
And I need to hear
Tears flow from my eyes as I realize that You’re wanting me
You can have what You see, but please take all of me
You’re my only hope.

More Than Ashes  (Tim Reimherr)

I’m more than what these ashes say.  For they will fade away when He comes for me.
By grace through faith in Christ I’m saved and I am not the same when He looks at me.

Chorus:
I am the rose, the joy for which You died
and this I know, I move you with delight.
When my heart condemns on every side, I take refuge in the truth.
I am the rose to You.

My life is more than meets the eye.  I’m hidden now in Christ and I’m one with Him.
My love is real before His eyes and He’s ravished by the sight of one glance from me.

Tag:
I am the rose, I am the lily.
I am Yours, I’m Your beauty.
There’s gonna be a wedding. 
It’s the reason that I’m living, to marry the Lamb.

Feast of Tabernacles October 13, 2008

It’s a conference… “go up from year to year to worship the King, the LORD of hosts, and to keep the feast of tabernacles.” Zechariah 14:16.

at Narrow Way Ministries*
1301-17 Monument Rd.
Jax, FL 32225
(904) 721 9963
www. narrowwayministries. org

daily meetings at 10:30am and 7:30pm
October 19th -26th
Child care for ages 0-12 will be provided for every service.

Speakers:
Prophet Chuck Flynn of California
Apostle Dan Duke – Founder of A Call to the Nations, Brazil
Dr. Derek Kuhn – Pastor of Grace Covenant Worship Center, Illinois
Uncle Arthur Burt – Holy Ghost Pioneer, Wales (UK)
Dr. Eva Evans – Pastor of Cornerstone Church, Virginia
Dr. Samuel Greene – Pastor of Narrow Way Ministries, Florida

Featuring:
Paul Clark – Christian Contemporary Music Pioneer & Worship Leader

*This is not an outreach for Narrow Way Ministries, but rather to give everyone in Jacksonville the opportunity to come together to worship in the presence of God.