It wasn’t so much a kick in the pants as it was a fire under my bum. Whatever happened, it was needful! I had to go out-of-town for a week-long class and then spend most of the weekend with a dear friend of mind afterward. The class was emotionally draining for me. Being away from hubs was hard too since that’s the longest we’ve been apart since we got married. And while I absolutely love and adore my dear friend, sometimes I feel a little misunderstood.
However, after returning home – back to my routine life – I noticed a passion, a desire, a fire burning in me that had gone dim before my time away. See, I didn’t take my guitar with me so I had no way of worshiping on my own, other than listening to cd’s. I did get some quality time with the Lord and was encouraged through Scriptures. By the time I got home, I was so hungry and thirsty to be in the presence of the Lord and just bask in His glory. I felt a desperation for Him that I haven’t felt in a while. Life gets busy, I know. But somehow the routine of reading my Bible and going to church became just that – a routine. I was totally unmotivated in my spiritual life. It seems like one of those things where you don’t know how much you love something til it’s gone.
It’s kind of funny because part of the emotionally draining part of my class was me trying to figure out how to find that fiery passion again. I didn’t even need to struggle with it because obviously the Lord knew what it would take to rekindle that fire, to “fan to flame the fire that once burned so bright and strong” (Keith Green). All it took was being absent from the ‘routine’ of it to make me realize how much my life requires to be in that routine – the daily drink from the well of life.
Other things have been a point of frustration as well. My school program intimidates me a little and sometimes I wonder if it is really what I should be doing. But I know it is. I have found a certain level of freedom in our finances – although I’m still out of work. Jesus has totally given me a grace to not think or worry about the bills. I know He will take care of it. I’m doing what I can and the rest is up to Him. Either He’s faithful or He’s not – and I KNOW He’s faithful! Mostly though, I find myself frustrated with vision for the future and the immediate will of God. I have struggled to find contentment where I am and with who I am at this stage of my life. I find myself always wanting to be more, changed, with more authority, more revelation, but I’m here where I am for a reason. Partially because I haven’t done what I have known to do over the years. Partially because I think Jesus has something different for me than what He’s called others around me to. It’s all the same big picture, I just don’t know where I fit into it. It’s like everyone else is an eye, a mouth, a nose and I’m an elbow or little toe or something. I know our perceptions of ourselves are usually not true, but that’s how I feel.
Since I’ve been home this week though, I have a renewed motivation and even a satisfaction with where I am. I know I’m different. I always have been. I’ve been a late bloomer my whole life and tend to march to the beat of my own drum, so I don’t know why I find myself surprised to be in the same situation now. Sometimes it takes spending some quiet one on one with Jesus to be reminded of how HE feels about me. That’s the only opinion that matters anyway. And that’s ALL I need to propel me into a state of contentment again. That’s just what I needed.
I’m so glad for you!
Your positive energy is & love for the Lord is contagious. One of these days I want to hear you play that guitar of yours! I guess actually meeting you would be a good first step, lol. Have a blessed wknd my dear!