The Video Chair June 26, 2009

It’s no secret that the hubby LOVES playing video games. I can’t say I share the same affection for the 360 as he does, but I do enjoy a good sitting with Guitar Hero. Anyway, we got rid of my couches to make more room for his stuff the month before we got married. We decided to live in my studio garage apartment to save money for a while. It’s only 500 sq. ft. and one big room, so there’s not a lot of space for extra furniture. We’ve been creative though and positioned the tv on the opposite wall as the bed, so we just sit on the bed and watch it. But there is the space between the foot of the bed and the tv, so I told the mister that my old video chair was in my mom’s garage and I’m sure she’d be nothing less than thrilled for us to get it.

He had lots of questions about this video chair since I’ve had it since childhood (along with a lot of other things that he’s itching to get rid of). It’s not fancy – no buttons or volume or anything remotely electronic or technical about it. It’s just a leather chair that sits on the ground. If you lean all the way back, it rolls all the way to the ground and you have to throw your feet backwards and then down again to sit up (unless of course you want to roll over and dump yourself out of the chair). So it’s a video chair – you’ve all seen them I’m sure.

So now we have a video chair that the hubby loves to sit in while playing his games. He has mentioned that he would prefer an updated one that he can plug things into and have speakers by his head and all kinds of bells and whistles. I don’t get it. It’s a chair. I also don’t understand the fascination with souped up cars or super expensive cars. It’s a car. It takes you from point A to point B. Whatever - back to my point. . .

I don’t have a problem with the video chair at all. It is a little cumbersome and in the way at times, but it kind of does me a favor, so I won’t complain about the other little things. Before the video chair made its grand appearance in our humble abode, the hubby would lay on the bed or sit on the foot of the bed and play his beloved video games. Now, he sits in the chair which is WONDERFUL for me!  You might be thinking it has something to do with the space on the bed being free, but that’s not it at all. You see, now we can both get what we want. He can sit and play video games to his heart’s content and I can straddle him (please redirect your thoughts OUT of the gutter), and have my face squished into the back of this chair. I don’t mind the face squishing as long as I’m being held. So I get to be held, he gets to play his game. The video chair makes life grand!!

Good Grief – Really June 9, 2009

this is kind of an addendum to my last post about a heartcry . . .

Friday night after church I started crying on the way home mostly because I was stressed but also I am often surprised at the times when grief rises up out of my heart and finds its way down my cheeks. I thought I was crying because I was overwhelmed, but as I started telling the hubby what was wrong – I realized I was releasing some tears that just needed to find their way out. There’s just a lot of things I don’t talk about because I figure no one wants to hear about it or would be judging me for continuing to grieve over something that happened years ago. I dunno, but I call it healthy.

So since I don’t really talk about it, I thought I’d try it out on my brand new shiny husband. I first was telling him how a car accident on Friday really got to me. Three teenagers were killed – one of them was a student my brother taught. It is just too reminiscent of Keri and Dan’l. Also, a little over a week ago on a Sunday - a lady in our church lost everything she owns to a house fire (reminder – ladies turn off your dryer before leaving the house).  Anyway, my heart so hurt for her and I realized also that a LOT of tragedies have happened on Sundays. Dan’l’s accident was on Sunday, August 19th. Jenna’s accident was on Sunday, February 17th (exactly 6 mos. after Dan’l), then my dad died on Sunday, August 17th (exactly 6 mos. after Jenna and 1 yr. after Dan’l). Strange, huh?

So I haven’t gotten to my point yet and I apologize, but I’m working on it . . .  so I was in the car telling hubby how every year I write a card to Keri around the same time. Her birthday is May 27th and she died less than a week later on June 2nd (4 days before she graduated high school). She would’ve been 30 this year. The card this year had a kitten on the front with a sad face and said “there’s something missing in my life” and on the inside – it says “YOU”. Every year, it’s a similar card. One of my favorites was Winnie the Pooh on the outside and it showed Piglet way far off in the distance.  It said “I’m here, you’re there” and on the inside it said, “No Fair”. So I’m sure you get the point by now – it’s always a card about how much I miss her. So I wrote in the card this year about my wedding and how I wondered what she would be doing with her life if she were still here. Then I wrote to her how I know she’s exactly where she’s supposed to be doing what she was meant to do, “Dancing in the presence of the Lord” as her headstone reads. I miss her grace as she danced.

(rabbit trail here) Last night, the news was on and I was listening to one of the kids that was just released from the hospital. She was in the accident with the others that were killed. There were 9 kids in the car, 3 died, 3 in critical condition still, 2 are out of the hospital, and 1 is still in fair condition. Anyway – I watched what she had to say and then completely lost it when they were talking about the accident. I had to change the channel. It’s so odd to me how most of the time I am okay but then all of a sudden something triggers grief from 11 years ago.

So back to the conversation in the car with the hubby. Let’s see – I told him about the card. Then I told him that Dan’l’s birthday is this month. That’s just hard for me. I’m not sure why. Then the conversation carried on to talking about my dad. It’s just becoming more real for me around Father’s Day. My siblings are all meeting at my brother’s house in NC for Father’s Day because he’s the only one of us that is a father and we wouldn’t ask him to meet us somewhere away from his children and grandkids. I never really gave much thought to Father’s Day before, but this year it has a certain twinge of pain attached to it. I got my brother a father’s day card which was okay and I was only reminded as I was walking away from the card aisle that I’ll never buy my dad another Father’s Day card again. Then another day, I was trying to help the hubby find a card for his dad. It was fine until I found the perfect card for my dad. I slowly put it back on the shelf and had to quit helping the hubby at that point.

As far as my dad’s estate stuff goes – I’m hoping it’s coming to an end, but as excited as that makes me – I’m a little sad about it too. We sold the rental and are just waiting to close on the house. I also gave the grandkids the share that dad left them. It was so bitter sweet yesterday when my nephew called me because he had just gotten the check in the mail. I said “Hello” and he said “Thank you Aunt Dana!”. We talked for a minute about what he wants to do with his money. He’s 17, so I figured the car would be the answer. He told me thank you again and I just told him to thank Granddad. I could hear the sadness in his voice too when he said “yeah”. He loved my dad so much. He was the only grandson and my dad lived with my sister and him the last year of his life. Anyway (geez, I didn’t mean to get so depressing - I’m actually in a very happy mood), the sad part about the stuff slowing down is that I won’t have any more bills of his or anything tying me to his recent life. Everything will become a memory instead of something new I have to do that’s related to my dad.

I guess the moral of this very long story or collision of thoughts if you will is that it’s okay to grieve when you need to – if it’s 11 years later or only 10 months later. I don’t dwell on this as much as you’d think by reading my posts. Writing is a way for me to work out my grief so the times you see a post about it is probably the only time it ever comes up – and it’s a good grief.