recent reminders of a heartcry May 18, 2009

I suppose it all started on Friday when my mom and I were discussing my wedding.  She was talking about Dan’l’s mom and I was so blessed that his parents drove 3 hrs. just for me.  She told my mom of what a blessing I’ve been to them, but if she only knew how much they mean to me.  Anyway, later that night at church we sang an old song we used to sing in the Baptist youth group what seems like a lifetime ago.  As the lyrics came out of my mouth, tears streamed down my face.  I could almost hear Dan’l singing “As the deer panteth for the water, so my soul longeth after Thee.  You alone are my heart’s desire and I long to worship You.  You alone are my strength, my shield, to you alone may my spirit yield.  You alone are my heart’s desire and I long to worship You.”  (I think those are the lyrics, but don’t quote me even if it is in quotation marks).  He seemed so close like I could almost touch him.  As I sang, my heart was flooded with sweet memories of my dear friend and how much I treasured his friendship and cherished his place in my heart.  Even now as I type, my eyes well up with tears. 

The next day I was knee deep in my dad’s rental house affairs.  I don’t want to get into it – I think I get a new grey hair every time I talk about it.  Long story short, I was looking for some paperwork and came across a couple papers in my dad’s handwriting of repairs he intended to make on the rental.  The tears came again.  I think of my dad every day as I don’t have a choice dealing with all of his business, but seeing his handwriting made me actually think about him and how I miss him so terribly.  I miss calling him with questions about car insurance or what’s the best way to season and make fresh mahi or telling him about the possibility of moving to another state.  I just miss him, that’s all.

So Sunday morning came and the radio woke me up to an old worship song that we used to sing at FCA in high school.  My friend Keri always requested “Seek ye first the kingdom of God and His righteousness and all these things shall be added unto you, Halleu-Hallelujah.”  I always requested to sing the Grin Again Gang song because it was just fun, but not meaningful at all.  So as the song on the radio continued its melody, my heart began to sing to the tune of the friendship, the sisterhood I once shared with Keri.  Good grief, we could fight!  But we were sisters.  Her mom and sister were also at the wedding.  Her sister did my hair and I must say I was quite ravishing!  They were fighting back tears a little on the video when telling us congratulations and how much I mean to them.  They are family to me.

I then saw a little girl after church again that I saw the previous week for the first time.  She looks nothing like our adorable little Jenna from the front, but last week I almost gasped when I saw this little girl walk past.  I somehow caught the attention of Jenna’s mom and asked if she had seen this child.  She looked at me with such longing eyes and we talked about how almost uncanny this child is to Jenna from behind.  If only her hair were a shade or two lighter with curls.  I was thinking that there are so many adorable little girls, but none have matched the “adorability” (a word I think I just made up) of Jenna.  She could make any day brighter even in her worst of moods by just being so stinkin adorable!

I was talking to the hubby about this yesterday because he knows I’ve had a sadness about me this weekend.  I think somewhere in the business of my life, grief has been supressed – or at least put on the back burner.  Maybe I’m empathizing a little bit because you can see a hint of sadness or maybe a bit of pain even behind the laughter in the eyes of the parents of all these that I so dearly love.  All of them love the Lord dearly and walk daily in His wonderful grace.  It doesn’t mean there’s no healing; its just a heartcry for those who can never be replaced in our lives and an anxiousness to get to Heaven and embrace them once again.