At my church it is taught and I believe the principle to be true that the Sabbath is a state of mind – a place we find spiritually where rest and peace rule supreme no matter the circumstances. My mom has always taught me that the Sabbath Day rest should be honored and no type of work or shopping or cleaning should happen that day. She’s a lot more relaxed about it now, but today I have a new outlook thanks to her guidance.
Lately, I have been beyond overwhelmed and stretched to the limit. I am not complaining because I am perfectly content with everything in my life right now – there’s just a lot to deal with any given day of the week. Dealing with all the affairs in my personal life is a full time job in and of itself without having to actually go to a job (which I also do). I usually can deal with it because I know it is only for a few more months and the rest of my life will not be this way.
So today I had planned to get up and go straight to work. It is absolutely WONDERFUL being able to set my own hours!! After I fed and let my dog out, ate breakfast, and did just a few minutes of homework, I retreated to my bed once again. I read only about a chapter in Proverbs before dozing off to sleep again. I wasn’t asleep very long when I awoke and realized – I am exhausted with my life. I could have gotten up and gone to work, but I NEEDED rest. I think I got a whole of ten hours sleep over the entire weekend. At that point, I decided I was going to stay in the bed and not go to work until after lunch. I kept waking up though and most people would have gotten out of the bed and finally started the day – but I’m not most people. I was forcing myself to stay in the bed regardless of my to do list which is always at the forefront of my mind. I’m not sure if anyone realizes this, but demanding yourself to stay IN the bed is just as difficult as making yourself get out of the bed.
I eventually drifted away again to a very disturbing dream of which I’ll spare you the details. I got up around noon and had lunch and now here I am. Maybe if it were possible for me to stay in a state of peace regardless of my never-ending demands, I wouldn’t be so desperate – but right now I feel completely at peace with taking one day of the week (or a half day even) for myself to do absolutely nothing . . . no homework, no church meetings, no bills, no wedding plans, no lawyers or banks or plumbers or renters or airlines or even family to deal with. I need to make time at least once a week if not more frequently to sit in the silence and enjoy the peace.
Many people can and do live their lives even more busy than I am. I’m not intentionally trying to compare, but the bottom line is that I just cannot do it anymore. I can’t be at church 5 nights a week like many others from my church. I just can’t. I can’t work 40 hours a week like the rest of America. I just can’t. Physically and emotionally, I need a Sabbath rest in my life – a literal one.
Lately, even when I’m at church I am bombarded with voices and lies in my head that I constantly have to hold before the throne of grace. It’s tiresome. Many times I try to be more like my fiance’ because I admire his passion, enthusiasm, and innocence toward the things of God. I feel mostly cynical though. Seriously, he studies before work, during his breaks & lunch, then comes home and worships and studies the Word until he goes to a church meeting at night. Not only do I not have the time or energy to do that – I don’t have the desire. We are in different stages spiritually though and we were talking the other day about the wonderful balance we bring to each other as a man and a woman. I was explaining the thoughts I have every time I’m at church and how hard it is. He was explaining how when that happens to him, he just shrugs it off and lets it come in one ear and out the other with no inkling of an emotion about it. I explained to him that women are wired completely differently. With every thought of judgment or cynicism toward people come emotions of doubt, bitterness, resentment, anger, disappointment, and fear. EVERY thought has an emotion attached to it. So not only do I have to let go of the thought – I have to speak to that emotion. The fiance’ is so sweet though – he says there’s no way he could do that and that I’m a stronger person than he. Go figure – we have the same opinion of each other. The point here is that I need a Sabbath rest – an entire state of mind.
Today, the fiance’ came home from lunch (since I left him a message asking him to do so). He gave me a big consuming hug and said, “You’re doing a great job. You’re going be okay. I really do think you’re doing great.” My response was, “You don’t think I’m just being lazy? I promise I’ll get everything done.” He doesn’t even care what I do or don’t do. He truly just loves me for who I am. He’s so encouraging. This post wasn’t supposed to be all about him. I just have no idea how I could deal with everything right now if it weren’t for him. Well, I wouldn’t be planning a wedding – that’s for sure! hehe
Mostly, I stress myself out by my constant change from a type B to a type A person. I used to be SOO laid back and a huge procrastinator. Now I am nothing of the sort. I suppose at times I can be laid back, but I rarely procrastinate anymore. Nothing would ever get done by deadlines if I did that – because of the insurmountable amount of things to do. I hate asking for the fiance’s help with stuff because he works 40 hours a week and goes to church every night of the week. I’m not asking him to stop either of those things. He does what he can when he can, but he’s usually good at taking time to play his video games or read or watch a movie when he needs a break. I need to learn to do the same instead of criticizing and demanding that time for myself (which I’m really not even that demanding if you know me).
Anyway, I just thought I’d let y’all know that I plan on slowing down a little bit when I need to – maybe cut back on church meetings and relax about rushing to get wedding stuff done. I’ll even plan more time to write and worship like I love to do. Most of all, I’m learning to have a good Sabbath rest - literally and spiritually.
