Sabbath February 23, 2009

At my church it is taught and I believe the principle to be true that the Sabbath is a state of mind – a place we find spiritually where rest and peace rule supreme no matter the circumstances.  My mom has always taught me that the Sabbath Day rest should be honored and no type of work or shopping or cleaning should happen that day.  She’s a lot more relaxed about it now, but today I have a new outlook thanks to her guidance. 

Lately, I have been beyond overwhelmed and stretched to the limit.  I am not complaining because I am perfectly content with everything in my life right now – there’s just a lot to deal with any given day of the week.  Dealing with all the affairs in my personal life is a full time job in and of itself without having to actually go to a job (which I also do).  I usually can deal with it because I know it is only for a few more months and the rest of my life will not be this way. 

So today I had planned to get up and go straight to work.  It is absolutely WONDERFUL being able to set my own hours!!  After I fed and let my dog out, ate breakfast, and did just a few minutes of homework, I retreated to my bed once again.  I read only about a chapter in Proverbs before dozing off to sleep again.  I wasn’t asleep very long when I awoke and realized – I am exhausted with my life.  I could have gotten up and gone to work, but I NEEDED rest.  I think I got a whole of ten hours sleep over the entire weekend.  At that point, I decided I was going to stay in the bed and not go to work until after lunch.  I kept waking up though and most people would have gotten out of the bed and finally started the day – but I’m not most people.  I was forcing myself to stay in the bed regardless of my to do list which is always at the forefront of my mind.  I’m not sure if anyone realizes this, but demanding yourself to stay IN the bed is just as difficult as making yourself get out of the bed.

I eventually drifted away again to a very disturbing dream of which I’ll spare you the details.  I got up around noon and had lunch and now here I am.  Maybe if it were possible for me to stay in a state of peace regardless of my never-ending demands, I wouldn’t be so desperate – but right now I feel completely at peace with taking one day of the week (or a half day even) for myself to do absolutely nothing . . . no homework, no church meetings, no bills, no wedding plans, no lawyers or banks or plumbers or renters or airlines or even family to deal with.  I need to make time at least once a week if not more frequently to sit in the silence and enjoy the peace.

Many people can and do live their lives even more busy than I am.  I’m not intentionally trying to compare, but the bottom line is that I just cannot do it anymore.  I can’t be at church 5 nights a week like many others from my church.  I just can’t.  I can’t work 40 hours a week like the rest of America.  I just can’t.  Physically and emotionally, I need a Sabbath rest in my life – a literal one. 

Lately, even when I’m at church I am bombarded with voices and lies in my head that I constantly have to hold before the throne of grace.  It’s tiresome.  Many times I try to be more like my fiance’ because I admire his passion, enthusiasm, and innocence toward the things of God.  I feel mostly cynical though.  Seriously, he studies before work, during his breaks & lunch, then comes home and worships and studies the Word until he goes to a church meeting at night.  Not only do I not have the time or energy to do that – I don’t have the desire.  We are in different stages spiritually though and we were talking the other day about the wonderful balance we bring to each other as a man and a woman.  I was explaining the thoughts I have every time I’m at church and how hard it is.  He was explaining how when that happens to him, he just shrugs it off and lets it come in one ear and out the other with no inkling of an emotion about it.  I explained to him that women are wired completely differently.  With every thought of judgment or cynicism toward people come emotions of doubt, bitterness, resentment, anger, disappointment, and fear.  EVERY thought has an emotion attached to it.  So not only do I have to let go of the thought – I have to speak to that emotion.  The fiance’ is so sweet though – he says there’s no way he could do that and that I’m a stronger person than he.  Go figure – we have the same opinion of each other.  The point here is that I need a Sabbath rest – an entire state of mind. 

Today, the fiance’ came home from lunch (since I left him a message asking him to do so).  He gave me a big consuming hug and said, “You’re doing a great job.  You’re going be okay.  I really do think you’re doing great.”  My response was, “You don’t think I’m just being lazy?  I promise I’ll get everything done.”  He doesn’t even care what I do or don’t do.  He truly just loves me for who I am.  He’s so encouraging.  This post wasn’t supposed to be all about him.  I just have no idea how I could deal with everything right now if it weren’t for him.  Well, I wouldn’t be planning a wedding – that’s for sure!  hehe

Mostly, I stress myself out by my constant change from a type B to a type A person.  I used to be SOO laid back and a huge procrastinator.  Now I am nothing of the sort.  I suppose at times I can be laid back, but I rarely procrastinate anymore.  Nothing would ever get done by deadlines if I did that – because of the insurmountable amount of things to do.  I hate asking for the fiance’s help with stuff because he works 40 hours a week and goes to church every night of the week.  I’m not asking him to stop either of those things.  He does what he can when he can, but he’s usually good at taking time to play his video games or read or watch a movie when he needs a break.  I need to learn to do the same instead of criticizing and demanding that time for myself (which I’m really not even that demanding if you know me). 

Anyway, I just thought I’d let y’all know that I plan on slowing down a little bit when I need to – maybe cut back on church meetings and relax about rushing to get wedding stuff done.  I’ll even plan more time to write and worship like I love to do.  Most of all, I’m learning to have a good Sabbath rest - literally and spiritually.

It’s a tough job February 20, 2009

My job is fairly remedial.  I audit charts and look for missing pieces of information or mistakes before we bill Medicare.  That’s pretty much it.  Almost every day though, I find myself needing to take a breather or do something to get my mind off my current thoughts.  Since these are all Medicare patients, some of them have similar illnesses to that of my dad.  I am caught off guard by thoughts of my dad the last month of his life… swollen, dialysis, feeding tube, respirator, c-pap, tracheotomy, not eating, not understanding, ornery, silent, stubborn, scared and alone. 

Every day – and only when I’m at work – these thoughts haunt me.  I have no regrets with the treatment we chose.  I really don’t have any regrets of anything about my relationship with my dad.  I said the things that needed to be said while he was still coherent.  He did too.  I really just wish he were hit by a bus or something.  No child should ever have to see a parent in that type of condition.  It changes you.  I can’t imagine what it must be like for people whose parents have demensia or alsheimers.  My dad was really out of it the last month talking about crazy things, seeing things that weren’t there, not able to have a comprehensible conversation with his children.  It was mostly the medicines they had him on.  He was fine until he went into the hospital – mentally speaking. 

I kind of think he knew it was time, but never admitted it to me.  He was always my dad – protecting my feelings.  Anyway, back to the work thing.  I don’t mind the work, but the memories of my dad’s last days are overwhelming at times.  I try to take every thought captive, but sometimes it’s a struggle.  Almost every day I find myself with tears in my eyes, but they don’t always find their way down my cheeks.  I swallow the lump in my throat and go on with my day.  No one ever knows.  Maybe it is something I need to think on at times as part of a grief process.  Every once in a while I think on accidents that took the lives of a couple of my friends.  Were they scared? 

So I try to distract myself with thoughts of my dad from my childhood – or anytime before the hospital.  I think of him now and how wonderfully happy and at peace he must be.  I know my dad is proud of me.  I’ve been so blessed to have heard him say and know in my heart how much he loves me – still.  I try to think on these things instead of the nightmarish month of August.  I try to think on the relationships built with my siblings that month and how faithful and present God was and is.  My relationship with Him grew so deeply and intimately during that time.  This is what I try to redirect my thoughts to. 

No matter how I change the subject or try to distract myself, sometimes the haunting thoughts remain while I’m sitting in front of that computer filling out paperwork.  It’s a tough job.

My Fairy Tale February 9, 2009

I’ve been told on more than one occasion to not put any hope into fairy tale dreams coming true.  I even heeded the advice as I began to believe that fairy tales are just that – tales that are not reality.  They were wrong.  I was wrong.  I have been a damsel in distress and I have been rescued and swept off my feet by my knight in shining armor. 

He watched me from a distance and he watched me up close, when I didn’t know he was even looking at me.  I really had no idea the bad way I was in until he came along and shed light on everything around me.  It’s like I was in the dark and he came in and turned the light on.  Now I know love – what it really is – and it’s more wonderful than what is in the fairy tale stories because it’s real.  He knows me inside and out, sometimes better than I know myself and never forces himself or his opinions on me.  He waits for me quietly and patiently to give him my heart a little at a time, when I feel that I can trust him with it.

He loves me so purely and unconditionally, it is not like anything I’ve ever seen in any other love story or marriage.  He tells me when I’m wrong and supports me when I’m alone.  He is my protector and defender.  He listens to me go on and on about unimportant, petty things.  He lets me ramble about how upset I get over life’s situations.  He lets me cry on his shoulder.  Sometimes he cries with me and sometimes he wipes the tears away as he holds me so tenderly.

When I’m in the room with him, my heart is filled with joy and peace.  It’s more than being in love.  He makes me comfortable being me – in all of my holiness and in all of my worthlessness.  I feel safe and secure when I’m in his arms.  I don’t deserve him or his love.  I do the best I can to tell him and show him how I feel in return, but I think I fail miserably.  The thing is – he doesn’t even care.  He just enjoys loving me – for nothing in return – just because he loves me that much.  He is wise and showers me with sweet nothings in my ear.  He takes care of my every need and even gives me my heart’s desires.  He even surprises me with little whims.  I want for nothing.

He is the only one I can trust when others fail me and miss the mark of righteousness.  When I’m disappointed or betrayed by people I esteem and admire, he is there to comfort me.  He reminds me that he really is all I need - not to pull me away from other relationships, but to put them in perspective.  He encourages my life with rich friendships and time with family.  I also know that none of these are as important as my relationship with him and he is always first in my life.

I don’t know how I ever survived without him.  I don’t know how I don’t miss him more when we’re apart.  He makes my life worth living.  You might be surprised to hear that I’m not talking about my fiance’ – although he is a wonderful example of all these traits.  I’m talking about the love of my life, the one that makes my dreams come true, my precious husband – Jesus.