I miss . . . December 31, 2008

 . . . being a child when the problems that overwhelmed me were my mom studying instead of playing with me or my friends at school leaving me out of a game.

. . . my dad.  Christmas Day, I went to my sister’s and walked into my dad’s apartment to use the restroom.  It was so empty.  I spent a few minutes smelling all the clothes left in the closet trying to find a whiff of him somewhere in there.  My attempts were futile as all his clothes just smell like closet.

. . . all my other loved ones that spent Christmas with Jesus in Heaven instead of here on earth with me.

. . . being able to eat anything and everything without a second thought about being able to fit in my clothes.

. . . having all the time in the world to myself to do whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted.  I am so incredibly grateful for the fiance’, but believe it or not, there are moments that I miss being single.

. . . the motivation to write or sing or dance.  The creativity within has gone into hibernation mode for a season.  I’m sure it will resurface sooner or later once it has been inspired by Jesus or some other outside influence.

. . . my friends, namely Jami and Sumi and others I so frequently poured my heart out to over the years.  Friendship has always been a lifeline for me and a sustaining presence in my life.  I miss hanging out with my old work friends as they could always make me laugh.  I miss tagging along with other couples and inviting myself over just to hang out when I was bored.  I was telling the fiance’ the other day how I never want to neglect or leave out single people because there are so many couples that never failed to include me the many years I was alone and it was life to me.  I hope to return the favor to others.  It seems the obligations in front of me have blinded my ability to spend time with the ones I hold most dear in my heart.  I tell myself there will always be time later and those people understand and will still be there once life settles down again.  That’s my prayer anyway.

. . . my dad’s steak.  Even my mom says that she’s never had a steak as good as his.  I’ve come close to reproducing his grilled steak though.

. . . North Carolina.

. . . mission trips.  There’s something God does when you travel and minister in His name.  He shows up in such power and anointing – there’s nothing like it.  The bonds you make with people are so intimate and tangible – it’s absolutely amazing.

. . . NOT having homework.

. . . mickey mouse ice cream bars.  I still look for them in every convenience store.

. . . having long fingernails.  Since I rarely play my guitar anymore, it makes sense to grow them out again – but that’s a pain.

. . . sledding in the snow and playing on the tire swing jumping into a pile of leaves.

. . . sitting in my Paw Paw’s lap.

. . . a good night’s sleep.

. . . Schwann’s.

. . . living in Canada – strangely.  It was terribly lonesome, but a life-altering experience I wouldn’t trade for anything.

. . . Anne of Green Gables.  I’ve only watched about 2 hours of it since dating the fiance’.  He’s not a fan.  Maybe I’ll do that next week when he goes back to work.

. . . . . .

another Thanksgiving story December 2, 2008

I’ve noticed people writing about their Thanksgiving holiday and traditions, so I thought I’d join in on the action!  haha.  Thanksgiving didn’t come at the best time for me this year – I had a super bad case of PMS.  I wish I was one of those women that wasn’t horribly affected by mood swings, uncontrollable tears, irritability, super-sensitivity, depression, and heightened emotions 10 days out of the month.  Really, it’s rediculous.  Anyway, Thanksgiving was the peak day of my altered state of mind, so as you can imagine it was wonderful!!  Really, it was a wonderful Thanksgiving in spite of me . . .

There have been years past when I was out of the country doing missions or with my immediate family and not able to “go home” to SC for Thanksgiving, but usually I prefer to be with my family there.  It was quite an adjustment this year spending Thanksgiving with the fiance’s family.  Different families have different traditions, all of which are good and I am by no means judging.  I really really enjoyed myself and absolutely LOVE my new in-laws.  I couldn’t have asked for a more wonderful family to marry into.  They completely adore me too, which if you know me is an act of God because of my insecurities.  He has truly blessed me with the Bridges family. 

Anyway, they always spend Thanksgiving at their lake house a couple hours from Jacksonville with close friends that might as well be family.  We shared a room with my soon to be brother and sister-in-law.  They were on the bottom bunk (which was a double-sized bed) and I was on the top bunk.  The fiance’ slept across from them in a twin bed.  One night, we stayed up til after 2:30am just talking and giggling like we were having a slumber party. 

So after the big and very delicious Thanksgiving meal, they take turns standing up and sharing what they’re grateful for.  My family has never done that, so it was a little awkward for me at first.  It’s nice thought that it’s an option and no one is obligated to share.  I of course ended up taking my turn pouring out my heart.  I was blubbering like a baby through the whole thing because it was so bitter sweet.  I had just called my family in SC to wish everyone a wonderful day and tell them I loved and missed them.  It was quite comical because three different cousins assured me I wasn’t missing anything there, but my presence was definitely missed – and asked very bluntly and to the point, “You ARE going to be for Christmas, though right??”  It does work out this year that we’ll be spending Christmas up there because the father-in-law is working, so the in-laws will be doing Christmas around New Year’s.  Okay, back to my bitter sweet tearful little speech . . .

I was quite honest and told everyone I had been a bit homesick for my family, but it wasn’t because I wasn’t happy to be there and I didn’t feel excluded from anything.  It was quite the opposite.  The in-laws make me feel so much like family that sometimes I wonder if they love me a little more than they love their son and brother.  hehe.  So I was so very grateful to be a part of the Bridges family now.  I told them too that exactly a year ago on Thanksgiving, I spent the day with my dad.  He and I cooked a non-traditional meal together and watched the original Miracle on 34th Street.  Grief of losing my dad is finding its way out and seeping through the cracks of my strong exterior making itself evident to those around me.  So much for that mask!  Before that moment of sharing what I’m grateful for, I hadn’t given much, if any, thought to going through the holiday season this year without my dad.  I did think (as horrible as it is) that I can save a little money this year because I won’t need to buy my dad a gift.  I’m wondering if I should leave that last statement or delete it – I promise I’m not heartless.   

I went on to say that my fiance’ is not at all what I expected, but more than I could’ve imagined.  He’s been a true Godsend in my life.  I’m so incredibly grateful for him and his presence in my little world.  My brother very randomly asked me the other day how that worked with Will after Dan’l died because it was so soon.  I had to stop and think for a minute and all I could say was that Will was patient enough and saw something in me that was worth waiting for.  It wasn’t easy in the beginning because my heart wasn’t in a state that I could even consider giving or sharing it with him.  He was a silent voice in healing my heart.  He still is.  hmm, I really love him.

Anyway, back to Thanksgiving traditions.  My family always gets up around 4am on black Friday and heads to Charleston to get the majority of Christmas shopping over with.  We really just enjoy spending the time together and then eat breakfast around 9 or 10am and head back home for a nap.  So I somehow managed to talk the fiance’ into getting up at 4am and going with me to Gainsville to do the black Friday thing.  He was extremely apprehensive at first – mostly about the 4am part.  His brother & his wife and his sister had never been either, so they went too which was a TON of FUN!!  We laughed so much and the fiance’ had a blast.  It is one of those things you can only do once a year though.  Within the first minute of being in Wal-Mart, a man ran into him with his cart and someone else stepped on his toe.  Needless to say, the fiance’ was not a happy camper.  His brother wasn’t having much fun either at that point because he would rather spend the extra few bucks he’d be saving and go when he wouldn’t have to stand in line for an hour.  It wasn’t that bad though because we took turns standing in the line while everyone else would go looking for more bargains.  The brother-in-law was super happy after we went to Best Buy though because he got the Ipod he’d been wanting for $50 less.  After that, we hit the mall where we found a lot of other stuff and ate breakfast at the food court. 

My two sisters-in-law and I bought matching jogging outfits that were 1/2 off and also bought one for our mother-in-law.  When we got back to the lake, all three of us changed and then presented “Mom” with hers.  They have a karaoke machine there, but lost all the cd’s, so I bought a 4 pack of 80’s hits at Best Buy.  The sister-in-law and I practiced on the way back from Gainsville (about a 45 minute drive) and informed people we had a surprise for later that evening.  A couple girls there at the lake house helped us get all gussied up – looking like 80’s chicks.  Our hair was BIG and our make-up was repulsive with bright blue eye shadow and super dark lipstick.  We walked out to entertain a group of about 20 people singing Material Girl.  It was absolutely hysterical, especially if you’ve ever met my future sister-in-law!

All in all, it was a great holiday.  I didn’t mention the family pictures which will be Christmas cards for my in-laws, playing ping pong, going for walks in the woods, shooting tin cans with a shot gun (always a good time for a country girl like me), games like Battleship, Monopoly, and Dominoes, and of course all the food over the course of the weekend like sushi and wings (my favorites).  The only thing I want to do differently next year is take my own desserts.  There was nothing there to my liking and y’all know how I like my desserts!  It was a little sad.  I cried a bit – literally, but again I attribute that to PMS.