Both Sides of the Coin September 29, 2008

Since my dad died, I’ve been trying to justify my emotions for some reason.  I know that’s ridiculous – any normal person would grieve at the loss of a parent, assuming that parent raised them.  I guess I want to measure my grief or something.  I’ve always done this with any relationship lost.

With my dad though, it’s a little different because I can see it from two opposing angles.  The first one is seeing how my siblings are dealing with my dad’s death.  We all grieve in our own way, but two of them are having a really hard time – really.  I credit that to the lack of relationship they had with my dad when he was still here.  In the last few years, a lot of fences had been mended, but my dad wasn’t the easiest person to get to know.  He was very quiet and reserved.  He didn’t offer his opinion hardly at all unless he was asked to give it.  He didn’t really start reaching out to his children until the latter years of his life either, so my professional opinion (insert laughter here) is that they are not only dealing with grief, but a sense of rejection by him as well.  I can’t imagine that.  That must be hard.  I think living with grief and dealing with thoughts of “what if” or “why that” is incredibly tormenting.  It is almost impossible to overcome because there are too many questions unanswered.

On the other side of that token though is me.  I was always the closest to my dad.  He treated me a little differently in the way he would converse with me.  He shared things that were on his heart, regrets, things that scared him, what he really thought of people that he would otherwise never say.  Maybe he didn’t say as much as I thought he did because I think a lot like him and just understood him.  I didn’t have to ask him 20 questions to get to the response I was looking for like my siblings would do.  I knew how to ask one question that was the key to opening up a wealth of information.  He allowed himself to be a little more vulnerable around me than the others.  In this respect, I feel very blessed and fortunate.  I also feel like I’m entitled to a greater sense of loss.  I don’t know why I feel the need to compare and I try to avoid it, but here I am venting about it….

My siblings miss what they never had.  I miss what I did have.  For some reason, I want them to understand what I go through, but that’s not their cross to bear.  I find myself trying to minister to them out of my dad’s heart.  I try to speak the words I think he would’ve said given the chance.  I know they see the pain in my eyes though.  They knew before that I was Daddy’s Little Girl and all promised him on his death bed that they’d take care of me for that reason.  I promised him too that I’d be okay without him and I am.  I guess I just want to be justified in my grief.  Of course, I feel my siblings are entitled to as much ministry and compassion as I can give because their grief is justified as well. 

What it all comes down to is this:  we are all just doing the best we can to get through the loss (whatever that loss is in whatever shape or form) and we are all trying to support each other in what we have commonly lost.  And that, I find, is the most important thought to focus on.

Politics September 29, 2008

I will be the first to admit that I am very ignorant concerning this topic and really do not want to be enlightened.  Everyone seems to have an agenda and not be completely honest.  However, I am very passionate about voting – especially when it comes to selecting a leader for our country.  In this respect, we need to make an educated decision.  I already know who I am voting for and always vote by my morals and the things I believe.  However, I’m not writing to endorse or speak against any of those things or politicians.  I just wanted to vent on the importance of voting.

The three major arguments I have when it comes to voting are pretty simple:
1.  Voting is a privilege we have in this country that many other nations do not enjoy.
2.  Many soldiers have died in many wars to fight for this right and to protect it.
3.  If you do not vote, you have absolutely no right to complain about the prediciments our nation finds itself in.

Furthermore, I’d like to say about the upcoming election that whether you have conservitive or liberal views about how this nation should operate, OUR COUNTRY NEEDS PRAYER.  It doesn’t matter who is in the white house – one person can only do so much to change the course of an entire nation.  We should all take the time to vote for our Senators and Representatives.  Every vote does count as menial as it may seem. 

I appreciate the many pastors out there that do not use the pulpit to push their own political agendas too.  Thank you to all of you!  If you take a look at the type of teacher and citizen Jesus was, He never involved Himself in politics.  He paid taxes (even out of a fish’s mouth) and rendered unto Cesar what was Cesar’s.  He of course had major issues with the hypocrites, but that was from a spiritual standpoint, not political.  The bottom line is GOD is head of ALL government on this earth and nothing happens without HIS approval.  I’m not saying God appoints that leadership, but He certainly allows it to happen.  The enemy must ask God’s permission – see Job 1vs 9-12. 

Just because God may allow these things does not mean that we should not pray for the future of our country.  This nation was founded on Christian principles by Christian men – like it or not – that’s our history.  I believe that is the major reason our country has been so strong and powerful, but the more our nation rejects God, the less powerful we become.  It’s not about God being on our side – it’s about us being on HIS side.  We need to repent for the sins this nation has committed - from the White House to Hollywood to the Church.  We need to repent, pray for our fellow Americans, and ask God for wisdom and guidance concerning the election and how to become a Godly nation again. 

That’s pretty much all I have to say about politics.

Haircuts & Relationships September 26, 2008

You know, I wouldn’t trade the boyfriend for anything in the world.  He practically saves my life everyday with his support and loyalty to me.  He is one of the all time best things ever!  And I never understood those women that wouldn’t do things they wanted to do because their boyfriends or husbands would be upset. . .

now I know.  I so desperately want to cut my hair!  It seems like a small thing, but for me it has always been an act of liberation.  It is something that I can do that defines me, where I’ve been, and where I’m going.  It’s the dawning of a new day for me and all I want is a new haircut!  I would just go and it’s no big deal, but this time my hair is actually long enough to donate to Locks of Love.  (they make wigs for cancer patients).  This means I would need to cut at least 10 inches off and that would put my hair right above my shoulders which isn’t really that short comparatively speaking to other haircuts from my past.

I found the cutest haircut (I’m stealing it from my cousin, but she’s in WA, so I figure she won’t care) and a place that will cut it for FREE if you donate your locks!!!  On any other day, I would just go get it done; it’s my hair right?  But then there’s the boyfriend.  He so desperately loves my long hair and I assure him that it will grow back.  He’s always pushing it out of my face anyway.  I just can’t go though because he’s at work and I’d want it to be a pleasant surprise when he gets off work – not something that will make him upset or angry.  I don’t know why hair is so important anyway to men, but apparently I’m learning it is.  I’ve had more hairstyles than most thanks to my beautician aunt.  So I guess for me, it’s not that big of a deal.  If I don’t like it, I re-cut it when I get home til it’s what I want and after that, it grows back. 

So here I am torn between considering the boyfriend’s feelings since we already had this conversation and I told him I’d let it grow another inch before whacking it off and the other side of me that longs to be impulsive and just go do it and let him deal with it later.  Decisions, decisions.  (anyone that knows me knows I’ll wait for him to get off work, but I like to pretend I can be a little rebellious).

I think we’re both learning what a relationship means.  You do things (or don’t do things) for that other person because you care about them, not because they demand it that way.  At the end of the day, does my hair really matter?  No.  Not to him or me.  It’s the principle of doing something “drastic” without consulting the other person.  Right before my best friend got married, her fiance’ bought a brand new truck.  Yeah, I’d be livid too considering you have to take on each other’s finances at that point.  It’s just the principle of consulting the other person first.  It’s always a good idea. 

I do like the motto though, “better to ask forgiveness than permission”
Really, is it too much to ask for a haircut?  It’s not like I’m asking for a car or house or to have plastic surgery.  sheesh.  Hopefully, the boyfriend doesn’t sound like the bad guy here because he’s not.  He thinks I’m beautiful no matter what – I know that.  He’s not controlling in the least bit – he loves how independant I am.  I think it makes him feel good though to know his opinion does matter to me.  Stinker.  I guess that means no haircut today. 

My First Wal-Mart Moment September 15, 2008

A few days ago the boyfriend and I went to Wal-Mart to pick up a few items I failed to get our previous trip there.  I’d been to Wal-Mart once or twice already since my dad died, but this time was different.  I was in the card aisle looking for a birthday card in the “For Him” section of cards while the boyfriend was flipping through a magazine.  My eyes were glimpsing at cards that were to a husband when I was looking for cards to a brother.  After all the cards to husbands, I saw cards to fathers.  I couldn’t contain the tears as they streamed down my flushed cheeks.  The only thought in my mind was I will never buy my dad another birthday or father’s day card – ever.  I suppose I could, but who would I give it to?  The boyfriend gave me a big bear hug and kissed my forehead.  He’s such an angel for always going grocery shopping and such with me – I HATE shopping! 

Maybe there will be more Wal-Mart moments, I don’t know.  If I ever buy a fishing license again or tools from Wal-Mart, I’ll definitely be missing my dad.  There have been a few other moments of “Dad would know the answer to that” or “I can’t wait to tell Dad . . . “  For the most part, I’ve been well.  I find myself saying things a lot like, “Dad liked that” or “my Dad said . . . “

In talking to my pastor last week, he said the tears will find their way out eventually.  Right now the grace and peace of God is still holding me up.  I was telling him that I’m so busy, I don’t have time to cry.  Tears come up at the most inopportune time like when I’m on the phone with the lawyer, writing a paper, or at work.  I just choke them down and pray they don’t start to build up until they overflow out of my soul.  But then Saturday night came and I was supposed to go to a surprise birthday party for a friend of mine.  Some of those tears found their way out and it was like a leaky faucet with no plumbing to fix.  It was a good night though.  I called my friend and offered my apologies for not coming, but I didn’t want to be a damper on her happy occasion.  I spent the evening with the boyfriend by cooking dinner together and sitting on my porch swing (that my dad bought for me) looking at the stars – well the three stars you can see in Jacksonville. 

Again, he just held me as I cried.  I find it funny that when I start to cry he always asks “what’s wrong”.  I don’t want to say “nothing” because he hates that response.  But the answer is always the same lately, “I just miss my dad.”

home for good – I think September 2, 2008

After a very emotionally draining and physically exhausting summer, I think I’m finally home for good after traveling the roads and flying the skies.  All the hooplah around planning memorial services and making arrangements is finished.  That’s a huge burden off my shoulders already.  I’m definitely going to pass on the thank you notes to another sibling – I’ve learned to delegate! 

I find it interesting that although I’m the youngest of my four siblings, they all look to me for answers and plans.  They’ve done a really good job though of helping me with a lot of the responsibilities weighing me down now.  Some things though, I just have to do myself which is rather unfortunate.  I’m the type person to let everyone else take care of things – not because I’m lazy, but because I don’t feel all that competent.  I suppose we must all rise to the occasion at some point in our lives. 

The boyfriend has been a complete Godsend during this trying time in my life.  He lets me cry when I need to, but more than that he just simply takes care of me.  He assists with my every little whim with his huge servant’s heart.  More than anything, I appreciate the forehead kisses – those are my favorite and most comforting! 

Anyway, now that I’m home I get to go back to work (big yay) and start working on a 2,000 word paper and power point presentation due at the end of the week.  On top of all that, I need to stay on the ball with my dad’s taxes, bank accounts, insurance, etc.  So far, I’m doing okay with it, but the lawyer said I need to pay close attention and keep impeccable records of every dime and hour spent working on his estate.  Haha, that doesn’t stress me out at all! 

At least the business of celebrating his memory with loved ones is completed.  That sounds horrible, doesn’t it?  I don’t mean it the way it came out.  I LOVE spending time with my family and loved ones and it is pure joy to remember stories about my dad.  I just mean the business end of it where I have to plan every little detail like a wedding – that part is over which is a relief.  I can count that as one thing checked off my to do list that I’m sure everyone is tired of hearing about. 

I think I have a different way of grieving anyway.  I look at pictures a lot and read cards or notes my dad sent.  I recall conversations and listen to his voice on my answering machine.  All of this I’ve done like twice in the past few weeks because there simply has not been time to go through the emotions of losing him.  Even when I do let myself cry, I just miss him.  My tears aren’t full of sorrow and melancholy, but full of peace and joy for him.  A lot of things my siblings and I have done are more for them than for me.  They may need little keepsakes and doing things my dad enjoyed and going places he went.  I don’t mind any of that and I’m not complaining or judging – but I do all that for them.  I just need to keep my dad in my heart and know I’m okay.