Taking Care July 29, 2008

Always, I’ve told people that they need to take care of themselves or they’ll be useless to take care of others.  Why is heeding one’s own advice so hard?  I feel like I’m falling apart a little and I long so desperately for someone just to take care of me and all my needs.  For once though, I do feel a freedom from being responsible for everything around me.  During worship at one of our many meetings last week during a conference, I felt something in me break and shatter to a billion pieces – it was obliterated.  I do the best I can which is usually far less than what others do (in my opinion), but then again we’re not supposed to compare.  Either way, I can’t seem to balance all these burdens on my shoulders, so I decided to stop trying. 

I work when I can and if I don’t get enough hours in to pay my bills – so be it.  I’ve learned not to put my trust in any man, including myself, for finances or to meet my emotional needs.  Jesus promised He would take care of me, so I’m either going to trust Him and live by that faith or not.  I choose to take a step toward letting Him carry these burdens for me. 

Lately, I’ve been so emotionally and physically drained.  I’m tired, but in good spirits.  I cried today a little bit for not liking myself for what I can’t do, but got over it and took a nap.  No one knows what their neighbor is going through and I’m not concerned about people judging me or my actions during this stressful season in my life – I just try to remember that maybe others around me are really going through a tough time too.  We should encourage each other, not condemn one another for not living up to unrealistic expectations.  Even if the person next to me can work circles around me and still carry all this other stuff, that’s wonderful.  I’m thrilled that they are in a place where that is possible, but I’m not there yet.  Maybe one day.

In the meantime, I have to learn to take care of myself.  I don’t mean to complain because I try so hard to be a servant to my brothers and sisters in the Lord.  I’m now finding a balance.  For the longest time, I couldn’t say no when someone needed my help.  Then I went through a phase where I pretty much said no to everything.  Now, I’m finding a middle ground because my heart is to lay my life down for my brothers, my friends, but my body and mind can’t always seem to comply with my heart’s desires.  If I’m completely drained of all energy, then I can’t possibly be of any help – as much as I want to be. 

I guess I need to learn to give myself permission to take time for myself.  I’m always so quick to try and be there for people when they’re in need.  Really, that’s my heart’s desire, but it’s taking it’s toll.  When we pour out our vessel, we need to fill it back up.  I know that principle, but lately it seems to be a continual flow, not just a once in a while thing.  All I want is a day for me – is that selfish?  I don’t know.  I have no idea how mother’s do it.  There is no way I’m prepared for that!!  I can’t even seem to take care of me at the moment, much less this needy little person that depends on me for everything. 

Basically, I really don’t mean to complain and that’s not my intent.  I’m fine.  I’m okay.  I’m plodding on.  I’m just a little weary of the journey, but I am by no means stopping.  I’m just taking a breath to take care of me for a quick second; then I’ll be back up and functioning as normally as possible given the circumstances.

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Peace of Mind July 17, 2008

I am so much happier than I was a couple posts ago!  PRAISE JESUS!!  Sometimes, more than not, I am way too introspective, analytical, and I think too much.  I blame my mother – it’s gotta be somebody’s fault, right?  haha

It’s amazing to me how with one word or breathe, God can make all the cares of this world drift a million miles away.  I was really struggling and doing everything I knew to fight the voices tormenting me – even in my own mind or soul.  Doubt, fear, and condemnation have a hay day in my head and with my emotions!! 

Anyway, I had talked with a handful of people about the troubles weighing on my mind and nothing seemed to help.  Finally, a conversation with my beloved pastor made my load about a ton lighter!  I love chatting with him, but sometimes it’s not much help and sometimes it is.  Sometimes I leave feeling more condemned or messed up – not by his fault at all.  I’m an expert of hearing what isn’t said.  I’m a woman which makes me a natural at that to begin with, but then add a little dose of oppression from the enemy and I’ll hear you say something you’ve never even thought before.  Back to my story – so I went to counsel with my pastor thinking it would be no help because nothing has helped and the only thing that could change what I’m going through is if Jesus Himself were to come stand in front of me and tell me what to do and that He’s taking my burden and exchanging it for peace.  I was extremely surprised that Jesus did that through a conversation with my Papa (my pastor).  Nonetheless, I’m grateful. 

There are still cares of this world to tend to and they aren’t going away.  At least now, I’ve been able to tap into the grace to carry the load and the peace to endure it.  His yoke is easy and His burden is light, right?  Believe it.

Claddagh Ring July 11, 2008

My favorite possession is my claddagh ring.  It’s an Irish ring (which is fitting as I am partially Irish) given in friendship or as a wedding ring.  It consists of 2 hands holding a heart with a crown covering it.  The hands represent friendship, the heart love, and the crown loyalty. 

My particular ring has a very sentimental story attached to it.  Since I was about 19 years old, I’ve worn a ring on my ring finger to represent my betrothal to Jesus.  It reminded me that I am His and to keep myself for my natural husband.  (So far, so good)! 

The first ring I wore, I gave to my friend Keri after her death at the graveside service once everyone had departed except a few of her closest friends.  As far as I know, she was still a virgin when she died, so I thought it was fitting at the time.  It’s buried in her casket with her.  (Is that morbid?  I don’t think so, but I apologize to anyone I may have offended). 

So then, I bought myself another ring and gave it to another girl I had met to encourage her in her journey with the Lord.  She gave me a gold thumb ring with her name on it in exchange.  I wore it for a while because it reminded me to pray for her, but since we don’t share the same name, I got tired of telling people why I wore a ring with another girl’s name on it. 

Again, I bought myself another ring and gave it to a dear friend I met in South Africa after telling her the story of why I wore a chastity ring because she found it very heart warming or whatever.  A few months after that, she moved here to the States.  She gave me a claddagh ring – which I had never seen before.  She was wearing it as a chastity ring because the ring I had given her she had given to another girl.  Anyway, enter the claddagh . . .

I didn’t like it at first because it had a green stone for the heart and I wasn’t crazy about that.  However, I was still lacking a new chastity ring and the friend meant a lot to me, so it worked.  I had it for a few years – longer than all the other rings.  I have a cousin that lives a distance from me, but every time I would go visit, she would insist on wearing my claddagh ring until I’d go back home.  This went on for about a year and then I decided to give it to her as a Christmas gift with the story of its meaning and why I wore it – for spiritual reasons.  By the time Christmas came, she had already bought herself a claddagh ring, but is all silver with no stone.  I gave her mine anyway as that was the gift I had for her, so she cried when she opened the little box and read the letter and immediately took her ring off and gave it to me.  I still wear it to this day – even as I’m typing.

My cousin wore the ring for a while and this past year, I noticed her not wearing it anymore.  So one day, I was snooping and found the ring amongst some older jewelry of hers.  The stone had fallen out and broke apart when I tried to fix it.  Hopefully she won’t read this because she’s getting that same ring for Christmas again this year – only with her birthstone in it.

Now, let me get into the meaning of the way in which the ring is worn.  Worn on the right hand with the design facing away from the body means the person is singe and available for romantic pursuits.  Worn on the right hand with the design facing the person means that someone has ‘captured their heart’ or they are taken, spoken for, etc.  Worn on the left hand ring finger with the design facing outward means the person is engaged and on the same finger with the design facing inward means the person is married.  Those are the technical meanings, but I never knew all the details.  I just thought outward meant available and inward meant taken, so that’s how I’ve always worn it – on my left hand ring finger as my chastity ring.

A couple years ago, it got moved to my middle finger on my left hand though.  For one, it’s really too big for my ring finger and kept falling off at inopportune times.  The real reason is a guy I worked with asked if I had gotten married while he was gone.  I definitely didn’t want people thinking I was married! 

Anyway, that’s the story of my chastity-claddagh ring.  It only comes off when I shower and even if I’m fully clothed, I feel naked if I’m not wearing it.  I have a feeling it’s not going anywhere even after I get married – maybe to a different hand.

Innocence Lost July 11, 2008

I remember a girl that not only always saw the glass half full, but was so appreciative that the Lord had found fit to give us drink.  She always saw the best in everyone she met.  There were no pretenses.  No masks.  She could see negative aspects to different personalities, but was blinded to those not so pretty traits by unconditional compassion.  She scolded those close to her for making judgements prematurely and offered suggestions as to why that person might act that way instead of joining the cynical crowd.  There was always a bright side to life.  She smiled at people for no reason at all and found joy in the simplest things in life.

I miss her and often wonder where she went.

Jesus has reminded me recently of His undying love and how powerful it is.  The dealings and trials life throws at us can become overwhelming and make the purest of hearts become calloused and engrossed in thorns.  That once vibrant, fun-loving, worry-free heart becomes cold, cynical, and hard without even realizing it.  It’s similar to cooking frogs.  Have you ever heard the way to do that?  They say (I cannot personally testify to this) that if you throw a frog in boiling water, it will just jump out of the pot immediately, but if you put a frog in room temperature water and then start to boil it; the frog will say in the water until it is cooked all the way through. 

So where am I going with all this?  I dunno.  Just writing really.  It could be any number of things that sealed the deal with what I’ve become, but I believe it’s been a culmination of all my heart has put me through and the cares of this world I failed to give to Jesus.  He reminds me that He carried ALL my burdens to the cross.  He is ABLE to carry them now.  I remind Him that’s easier said than done, but I still try.

Somewhere, deep down – that innocent heart still beats – beyond all the darkness and pain and worry.  I’m so blessed and grateful that that’s the heart Jesus sees – not the junk in the way.  Over the years, my perception of how loving God is changed a little and I didn’t even know it.  I used to believe that He would never do anything that would make us feel pain.  All he wanted for us was to be full of joy and live happily ever after.  I know that is partially true, but not very realistic of who He truly is.  He always has and always will love me more than I can begin to comprehend, but He is my Father.  Fathers allow their children to go through pain and hurt for many reasons – discipline, strength, growth, character just to name a few. 

There has been a heaviness in my heart for years – not attached to any one event, but many.  These are things I don’t talk about because I find it pointless and in vain when I know others are dealing with their own burdens and pains of life.  For some reason, others’ dealings seem so much harder than mine, I just figure I’ll get through it with Jesus - and I always do.  He has been more faithful than I could have asked Him to be.  I’m tired now though – of carrying these burdens alone.  It’s time, once and for all, to give them to Jesus and let Him carry them for me.  Not only that, I have no choice but to keep going, but the constant blow after blow after blow to my heart is taking its toll.  I feel like I’ve had the very life pummelled out of me - yes, my carnal life – but the vibrance that once dwelled within also.  I seemed to let the baby slip out with the bathwater. 

Is it too much to ask Jesus for a break from life’s lessons?  Can I just rest and be happy again for a while?  Please let me regain some strength to fight the battles ahead.  Help me find the place where that innocence dwells and let me remain with You there.