Gee Whiz – I’m Beat!! June 18, 2008

My schedule just got insanely crazy again after only working one job for two weeks and being off school during that time too.  So Monday, my busy schedule started again with a couple hours of school in the morning before work, then Bible Study/School at night after work – including cleaning, paying bills, keeping up with relationships.

Today, I started “number crunching” which is always discouraging.  I don’t know why I bother.  I do try my very best to be frugal, but I don’t think there’s a word for trying to live off the pay from one part time job.  Impossible! – without Jesus anyway.  After realizing that I only make about $5 more than what my bills are per month, I realized that there’s no way I can work to save money or pay off any debt for the time being which I HATE.  I’m a little bit anal about money. 

So, I’m left casting my cares on the shoulders of my Savior.  I’m not poor-mouthing by any means.  All my needs are met – always.  I don’t really know why I try and figure out how to pay all the bills coming my way because I cannot do it in my strength.  I realize that Jesus is just gonna have to send a miracle my way and He always does because I’m never left wanting.  I’m scraping by and I’m not complaining – I don’t even know how I got on this subject . . .

My point was supposed to be that I was figuring out how many hours I need to work at my alternate job to get ahead.  I figured it all out which spreads me REALLY thin, but then thought to myself that I don’t depend on a job as a source of provision anyway – I trust my Heavenly Father for His provision for my life.  I came to this conclusion a little over a year ago when I moved home from Canada.  I had no prospects of a job and ended up telling Jesus that He’s my husband so it’s HIS responsibility to take care of me and my finances.  He already knew that though because that’s what He’s done my whole life – and will continue to do.

I wonder if He’ll add more hours to the day for me.  That’s the most recent request I sent His way.  See, if I weren’t so dreadfully tired then I would be able to get up at 7am instead of 8 or 9am.  That would help tremendously.  I’ve been going to bed before midnight lately, so that’s a big help too.  I don’t mean to sound lazy, but I really am an 8-9 hr. a night girl.  Anything less and I’m a mess!  I can sacrifice sleep for a while if there is a grace to do it, but I hate it when other people just tell me to get up earlier.  They have no idea what those of us whose body requires more sleep go through when we’re sleep deprived.  Really, when I wake up, I stumble into walls and probably look drunk to the fly on the wall.  Whatever – I’m done with that soapbox.

This week, I haven’t worked as much as I need to because other things keep popping up that need my attention.  My mom would say “Work comes first”.  I get that.  However, stuff comes up and I end up putting off not only work, but my Jesus time too.  So, after I take care of the cares of this world, I spend time with Jesus which makes me late for work.  Late is relative though - I make my own hours which trust me, I know is a HUGE blessing.  Anyway, I need to start doing the Jesus thing first when I wake up – it’s just hard because I’m not really awake for the first hour of the day. 

Basically, I need to get on a schedule and be more disciplined about it.  I’m trying – I’m not my mother though.  She gets up every day anywhere between 5-7am just to have her quiet time and get ready before arriving at work at 8:30am.  I’ve always been the type that gets out of bed at 8:15 to get there at 8:30.  Anyone can change though, right?  I’m just gonna have to start teaching this ole body some new tricks!!

Everyone I know June 9, 2008

My best friend and I were discussing the movie 27 dresses – the premise of the movie is about a woman that had 27 bridesmaid dresses, but was never a bride.  That sparked a conversation about all my bridesmaid dresses.  Nikki (the best friend) asked me how many I still have.  I have no idea how many I still have – at least two or three.  But I started calculating the many weddings I’ve participated in.  The number is 10 (that I can recall anyway).  Here’s the breakdown:  Bridesmaid, 5 times; Flower girl, 2 times; Bulletins/Register, 3 times.  Then there are the two to three times I was asked to be in the wedding, but it never came to pass.  Those don’t really count though, huh?

My friends and one cousin in particular joke that I should make attending weddings a career.  I do it anyway, so I know all the proper protocol and have plenty of clothes for the occasion.  If only I could make money at it!  The cousin jokes that I know more married couples than just plain people that he knows.  If you asked me to count the number of weddings I’ve attended – there’s no way to recall.  My dad was a minister when I was growing up, so my family was always invited to the weddings at the church since he preformed them.  Then of course, my entourage of friends that have married since high school.  There’s also my humongous family with tons of cousins that are now married.  Last, but not least, I’ve always been invited to weddings of people I knew through my mom – her friend’s kids.  So I wanted to start this entry by saying most everyone I know is married or getting married.

I wanted to conclude this post by speaking about the others that have died.  I have yet to apologize because I know it’s not my fault and maybe it would be out of a morbid sense of humor – but the father of little Jenna from a previous post once said to me, “I don’t want to be your friend anymore because everyone you know dies.”  We laughed because I know it was a joke and my feelings weren’t at all hurt.  Since then though, his little princess went to be with Jesus.  I know I’m not cursed or anything and it’s not my fault that I’ve attended a significant amount of funerals (not quite as many as weddings though).  I just thought an apology would be an appropriate response to his comment so many months ago.  Maybe not – maybe it would be off-color.  You just have to know our personalities and the dynamic of the friendship I suppose.  He reminded me yesterday of the first time I visited my friend (his wife) at their apartment.  He wanted a glass of orange juice, so proceeded to shake the carton.  However, the lid was not tightened properly, so the orange juice flew all over the place, drenching him in the process.  From that point forward, he’s been an open target for my wisecracks!

Anyway, it is true that I’ve attended many funerals or memorial services.  My dad, being the minister, would let me stay home from school on occasion to be the acolyte at funeral services since they are usually during the day.  Most of those funerals were elderly people though and I didn’t really know them.  In the past few years though, there have been a lot of deaths.  One of the most tragic and the first truly life-changing experience I had was when my lifelong friend died in a car accident.  That was 11 years ago.  About a year and a half ago, her dad died unexpectedly.  I remember when both her dad’s parents died too.  That was when we were kids though.  My friend Casey’s mom died when we were 13.  I knew her mom because Casey was my best friend.  Her mom taught us how to play rummy.  We still enjoy that together to this day.  Her mom was only 32 – our age now (close enough anyway). 

So anyway, in the past few years, both my grandmothers have passed and the only grandfather I ever knew.  I always called him PawPaw because I couldn’t say his name.  Both of my grandfathers died before I was born.  My grandmother even remarried and that guy died before I was born too.  So this couple, Louise and Harrell took care of my brother andI a lot when we were toddlers.  My mom didn’t have any family to help her, so this couple was a godsend.  They quickly became ooo-ise and pawpaw.  Louise is all I have left for a grandparent.  Of course, there’s my friend Dan’l that died in the motorcycle accident last year.  It’s only a few days shy of 10 months ago.  Funny how we keep track of that.  There have been other acquaintances or friends of our family that have died too.  My heart hurt so horribly when my friend’s little girl died a few years ago.  It was her first pregnancy and everything was perfect, until childbirth.  Apparently, it was the fault of the doctor or machines or something.  They got a settlement from the tragic event, but would much rather have their little girl.  That friend has known a lot of death too – within 2 or 3 years, her grandmother, aunt, daughter, and uncle all died.  Gees.  Some of us think we have it rough.

Lately though, well it comes and goes, I’m dealing with the death of my dad – prematurely.  I’m not trying to add any stress to my life or worry about something I have no control over.  I’ve just always wondered which is harder – an unexpected death or one you know is coming.  The latter is definitely easier to prepare for.  I don’t know that it’s easier.  It seems more drawn out to me.  It’s like waiting for Santa to come, but the opposite.  You keep dreading this day that you know is coming, but don’t know when.  He’s fine for now, just old and sick.  My whole life, he’s always said he’ll never live to be 70.  I don’t know why or where he got that from.  He’s 76 now and outlived a younger sister.  The only family in the world he has left is his brother and of course his kids and grandkids.  It just seems sad to me.  He says he’s not really scared of dying, just of judgment.  Isn’t that the fear we all have?  I tried explaining to him that Jesus is so much more merciful than we are and how His report of us is good, even when the truth is bad.  Jesus sees our hearts andmy dad has a heart of gold – sometimes misled or deceived – but pure in intentions.  He’s so very kind and would give the shirt off his back to anyone in need.  He has the patience of Job – most days.  He’s gotten a little ornery and grumpy in his old age – and so very opinionated!  It’s interesting watching people grow and change.  As much as I think about losing my dad, I know it’s inevitable so I guess I’ve come to accept it.  On the other hand, I think about losing my mom by some tragic event or whatever and I completely have to think on something different.  I don’t know how I’d react – she’s one of my best friends as much as she drives me bananas.  That’s why I try not to dwell on these things – Jesus gives us the grace to handle them when they come, otherwise we’d all run into the night screaming and pulling out our hair!

So I was just thinking about that comment – everyone I know dies.  That’s really true for all of us.  We can’t focus on the negative aspect like we’re all dying since the day we’re born.  That’s true, but I know now that no one is invincible.  Every single person on this earth has their days numbered.  The best we can do is take life by the horns and make the most of it while we’re here.  Go to weddings!!  haha

Summer Afternoon June 3, 2008

These posts always sound so much better in my head when I’m thinking them.  When I start to write them, my mind goes blank and I try to recapture the thoughts, but they seem to escape me.  When I do recall, I can’t express the thoughts the way I want to.  frustration!!

Anyway, I had about 20 minutes at home after class, before work this afternoon.  I had to do a little shopping – gathering a few items to send to Bolivia with people from church that are going down there this week.  My precious friend there requested some kit kats and dove candies and dr. pepper, but she said they have dr. pepper there now.  So I did that and tried to find a t-shirt she wanted also.  When I got home from these errands, I had to let my dog out and grabbed a mango popsicle.  I bought them because they were 100% natural and I’m in desperate need for healthy snacks because the ones I love the most don’t love me back.  Maybe they do love me back - too much – because they stay with me forever on my hips! 

So I’m outside eating my not-so-tasty mango treat (even though I love mango) sitting on the swing on my deck that my dad blessed me with instead of taking out the trash which is overflowing or washing the pots in my sink.  That stuff can wait anyway, right?  How often do you get to spend a few minutes eating a popsicle on a swing in the middle of a beautiful summer day?  Back to those pots though – that’s a whole new conversation . . .

Hot dogs.  My mom has always microwaved them, so that’s what I do.  I think boiling them is gross and makes them slimy.  Sometimes my mom would just give it to us out of the package.  When the boyfriend learned this, he was absolutely repulsed and wouldn’t kiss me for the longest time.  He also has an issue with eating hot dogs from the microwave because he says it doesn’t kill all the germs.  Whatever.  Anyway, that’s the reason for the pots in my sink because he’s been on a hot dog kick lately.  He makes them himself because if I were to make him a hot dog – it’s going in the microwave and apparently that is unacceptable!  He also informed me that should we ever have children, I had better not EVER give them a raw hot dog and he better not see me eating a raw one either!  sheesh.  people and their issues.  hehehe  So I remember a friend of mine getting acclimated to our Americanisms after marrying an American – she’s from Hungary.  She didn’t know you could microwave hot dogs either until her husband did it.  She always boiled them as well, but now she’s joined our microwaving forces.  Boiling them just takes too long and dirties up my pots!

Back to my swing and popsicle – I was sitting there enjoying the shade of the canopy with the birds flying and a neighbor’s dog barking at my dog.  My dog is so good.  She just sits there – she whimpered for just a second and then just stared at the dog until it left.  She didn’t try to chase it or anything – just sat beside of me - my little protector.  She didn’t even bark at that other dog.  She’s not allowed to bark - it’s too loud and there’s really no need for it when she’s an inside dog.  There’s nothing outside to bark at anyway or she’ll scare it away.  She likes to chase things (as she should being a cattle dog), but has gotten lazy in her old age.  She still has a lot of energy to be 10 years old though.  I got sidetracked again . . .

eating my mango popsicle, I was thinking of Bolivia and how wonderful the mango juice is there that doesn’t compare to this popsicle.  I thought the popsicle would be yummy considering all the writing on it was in Spanish.  I figured it was from a hispanic country or something.  Maybe it is and just isn’t yummy.  I dunno.  I was reminded of going to the market with my dear friend there and eating the exotic fruits we’re not privvy to here.  mmm, I miss those fruits!  I was thinking of the goodies I had gotten for her at the store and that they had melted in my car when I was looking for a t-shirt elsewhere.  They’re in my freezer now, so hopefully they’ll be half-way salvaged – that is of course, unless the messenger/courier I’m sending the goodies with doesn’t eat them on the way there!!  He already threatened that, so we’ll see.  I miss my Bolivian friends and being there with them. 

So then I rushed off to work and here I am avoiding work even after hearing this morning that we should be hard workers at our jobs because that’s a sign of how we’ll work once in the ministry.  There’s not a whole lot to do though.  Sure, there’s things I need to get done which I’m starting, but it won’t take me the full three hours I’m here to do those tasks.  Then there’s always cleaning and organizing that needs to be done.  I’m on it.

My summer day has hidden behind a blanket of storm clouds, thunder, and lightening.  Typical Florida weather!