Reminders of upcoming events and morningtime April 16, 2008

Are the titles of my posts random enough?  I feel I need to live up to the title of my blog.

Anyway, I should be at work right now instead of lolly-gagging around on here, but I’m in a zone.  No excuse, I know.  It’s just that the mornings are all I have to myself.  I was just thinking how after 11am, the rest of my day – my entire day – is already planned for me, til time to go to bed.  So I decided I need to cherish my mornings more than I do.  In these very few hours between my first moments of awakening to a new day and rushing off to work, I get to do what I want to do.  What a blessing!

So I’m mostly writing this as a reminder to myself of things I’d like to accomplish in the near future.  I usually make these weekend types of projects, but maybe I can get a little done every day.  I don’t like approaching things like that, but the lifestyle I’m living while finishing college doesn’t always allow for me to do things the way I’d prefer.  Besides, my mom always says, “How do you eat an elephant?  One bite at a time.”

I plan on starting another page on my blog with all (maybe not quite all) my poems and songs I’ve written over the years.  That would be a huge undertaking – trust me.  Also, I’ve had 2 gallon ziploc bags (don’t ask) full of my grandmother’s recipes.  She died a couple years ago and my brother thought it would be a great idea for me to type them all up and make a book out of her recipes for all my cousins.  It is a wonderful idea – for someone that has time for that.  So, recently, the light bulb turned on over my head and I realized, I can just scan them onto my computer and make the book that way.  I think that would be more sentimental to my cousins anyway since most of the recipes are in her handwriting.  I plan on sending the originals to my aunt when I’m finished, but it’s a surprise – so don’t tell her, ok?

Somehow, I need to figure out how to squeeze all this in – maybe I’ll just try to work on that during the weeks I’m taking off from school this summer.  Of course, my priority then is to apply for some scholarships, so we’ll see.  Great ideas though, huh?

YOUR favorite day April 16, 2008

It’s coming up – VERY soon!  I’ll bet you’re wondering what your favorite day is and how I know it’s your favorite day, so I’ll tell you:

IT’S MY BIRTHDAY!!  The whole world can celebrate the day I was born 30 years ago!  YAY!!  Only 6 more days, are you excited??  I sure am!  Of course, people are free to celebrate this day all year long and wish me nice things and give me presents – I don’t complain.  There are no rules to celebrating my birth or existence on this earth.  Feel free to join in anytime!  You don’t have to wait til the actual day.  And you’ll be happy to know that I give many thanks in return!

I give up! April 16, 2008

Sheesh.  Lately, I’ve been terribly unhappy with my weight.  I really don’t stress about it too much, I don’t think.  I’m not overweight – just average.  However, that average keeps growing and growing and I don’t want to become overweight, so I thought I should nip it in the bud now . . . especially since I have a smaller body frame and have always been super thin.  I don’t necessarily feel the need to be super thin, but I would at least like to fit in the clothes that hang in my closet.  Now, I’m banished to the few things I can squeeze into.

The boyfriend thinks I’m a little on the crazy side thinking I’m “fat”.  I know I’m not really fat, just fat for me.  I don’t even care about how much I weigh, just inches really.  I only want to be toned up.  So I tried exercising.  I’m just not that disciplined . . . at least not with that when I have a limited time to spend with Jesus in the morning and then do my schoolwork before I go to work, unless I want to lose more sleep.  Sleep is vital to me these days.  Anyway, I say the actual pounds don’t matter as much, but when my guy only weighs 5 pounds more than me – I see that as a problem.  (I do try to keep in mind his super-skinniness). 

I came to the conclusion that I still care and want to do something about it, but I’m just too busy to put so much effort and concern into it right now.  I’m dreading being seen in a bathing suit this summer.  Cellulite is never a woman’s friend!  I’m not saying I’m just gonna eat junk food all the time like I’ve done my whole life.  I’ve tried to eat healthier and I’m still trying.  The boyfriend encourages this for health reasons, not weight issues.  I don’t know why, but he thinks a pint of chocolate ice cream and a kit kat is not a sufficient lunch.  hmm. 

So instead of eating out of the vending machine at work, I pack myself fruit, an occasional sandwich, granola bars, and those 100 calorie snacks you can buy at the grocery store.  I’ve stopped drinking all soft drinks – except for maybe one on the weekend – and substituted those with water.  and yet I seem to still be growing in the mid-areas.  I don’t really care if I lose any weight or inches right now, but I’d at least like to stop getting bigger for cryin out loud!  Oh yeah, I even bought slimfast.  How do people drink that crap?  The strawberry is okay, but the chocolate – YUCK!

It seems all I have time for are these snacks.  I’ve even cut out most fast food since that’s what I was getting because that’s all I have time to get.  There is no time for cooking, unless it’s after 10pm.  I’m not cooking then.  Besides, they say eating after 7pm or so is bad for you.  I guess your body can’t burn those calories, so it all turns to fat in your sleep.  I’m sure that’s part of my problem.  I do eat late at night, but it’s usually a bowl of ice cream.  (Please don’t ask me to sacrifice ice cream).

Okay – I’m finished with this rant.  I only wanted to say that I quit with the trying to get in shape right now because my life is too insane to worry about it.  Besides, life is too short – we should just eat, drink, and be merry as Solomon says.  He was the wisest man to ever live, you know!

the boyfriend – by popular demand April 9, 2008

None of the pics I have are recent.  We’ll have to work on that. . . .

The boyfriend does have a name.  I just prefer to call him “the boyfriend”.  I don’t know why.  I remember on Gilmore Girls, there was a friend of Rory’s that always referred to her boyfriend as “boyfriend”.  I thought it was so annoying.  I know - pot/kettle here.  I think it’s partly because it’s been FOREVER since I’ve actually had a real live boyfriend, so now I rejoice in the fact that I can say – I have a boyfriend.  Another reason is because it differenciates me from most people and I like to march to the beat of my own drum (only on my command of course).  So since no one else ever says “the boyfriend”, I like how that makes me special. 

It’s not like I’m ashamed or embarassed or anything.  I actually feel quite blessed that he’s in my life.  He doesn’t mind it too much that I refer to him as “the boyfriend” either – don’t let him fool ya.  He may complain a little, but really – I think he thinks it’s cute.  It’s not like I call him that when speaking to him.  I actually don’t even use his name that often.  He and I both find it a little awkward to call each other by our names.  We only do that if the other person is accross the room and need their attention or something.  I usually call him sweetheart or babe and he calls me honey, baby, or sweetheart. 

Anyway, I always call him ”the boyfriend” when talking about him with people that haven’t met him (which is why I suppose it bleeds over into my blogs).  I don’t know why.  I recently RSVP’d for a party and told the guy, “Yeah, I’ll be there and I’ll probably bring the boyfriend too if he wants to come”.  If people know him, then I just use his name when referring to him.  So, since there has been a request for a name  . . . . . . .

 

- drumroll please -

 

it’s Will.

 

“dana world” April 5, 2008

A few years ago, a friend of mine coined the term “dana world”.  Basically, this is the imaginary dream world I live in.  It’s a magical place where people stay in love forever and everything always works out the way it’s supposed to.  My pastor’s wife told me a long time ago that I need to let go of my fairy tale dreams because life isn’t a fairy tale and love is not what we find in movies. 

I remember thinking to myself that I don’t care if everyone in the world says fairy tales don’t come true because they will for me – simply because I still believe in that and I believe Jesus gives us the desires of our hearts.  The biggest desire of my heart is to live happily ever after.  I say that knowing there will be trials and deals to walk through, but with the hope of knowing that I can come out on the other side.  I believe it is possible to live happily ever after – as much work as it may take.

All that being said, I’ve also come to terms with the fact that everything in dana world isn’t necessarily real.  It is definitely ideal though.  When I first started dating the boyfriend, I was so saddened to hear him say that there would be times we wouldn’t like each other very much and that we’d fight.  It really crushed me because that doesn’t happen in dana world.  That happens in everyone else’s life.  I told him if marriage is what I’ve seen of other people, then I’d rather be single.  (Granted, I obviously don’t see all the ins and outs of other people’s marriages.  There is one couple I know personally that has been married about 35 years and are still madly in love with each other.  This gives me hope.)  I want to never fight or not like my spouse.  All this being said, I can honestly say the boyfriend and I haven’t had a ‘fight’ yet, but we disagree pretty much every day.  We’re still each other’s favorite person to be around and love each other’s company – even when we’re arguing.  (Disagreements and arguing are allowed in dana world, but not fights with slamming doors and name-calling).  The boyfriend is amazed because he realizes (at least in this one area) that dana world might really exist.

On the other hand, I have to concede a point as well.  Things don’t always work out the way they were planned.  This REALLY upsets dana world.  I become lost, confused, afraid, and just tormented at that point.  After I realized that dana world isn’t the same as Jesus world and that He doesn’t always do what dana world calls for, I became more at peace . . .

I’ve always had this idea about being in love.  What does that really mean anyway?  I’ve learned for myself that there are different kinds of love and levels of love with each person.  I had been “in love” once before when I was told that it doesn’t really exist. It was too late.  Being in love in the fairy tale place of dana world was a fulfillment of all my hopes and dreams.  (Could I be any more sappy?)  So once that faded and a few relationships later, I find myself here; I’ve waited and waited and prayed and prayed for that to happen again.  I tried to let go of the idea and tell myself that it really didn’t exist, but I knew it did because I’d been there.  I tried to convince myself that it’s just different because no two loves are the same – and they’re not.  Love cannot be forced.  It is a choice.  I finally forgot about all my silly notions and what should be and what does or doesn’t exist.  I let go - and fell in love.

I still believe in dana world.  It’s just an ever-changing place of my imagination that I force into my reality.  It just has to take a back seat to the will of God.

sacrifice, second best, & apples and pillows April 5, 2008

There’s such a jumble of emotions and a commotion of thoughts stirring in my head, I’m not sure I’ll be able to spit out the core of what I want to say.  Maybe in trying to explain, all these things will sort themselves out. . . .

Recently, I made an act of obedience that could very possibly be seen as a sacrifice.  I didn’t see it so much as a sacrifice as I did an act of obedience.  I KNOW when I’m obedient to what Jesus calls me to do, HE is faithful and strong in my weakness.  He makes up for any lack that I may fear due to the sacrifice.  In this particular instance, the “sacrifice” came back to me.  I didn’t resist it or say, “No, God told me to do this”.  I immediately received what I had given with no hesitation.  The first thought to mind was Abraham and Isaac.  God called Abraham to this act of obedience and Abraham was willing.  God was only testing His heart – through His actions.  That’s what happened to me.  Abraham got to keep Isaac, I get to keep something else.  Jesus is so faithful!!

However, there are many times we are required to make sacrifices that God doesn’t give back to us.  In my life, these sacrifices have sometimes been my first choice.  Those are the hardest.  It’s easy to give away something you don’t really love, but when there is something that is so dear and precious to your heart - Jesus will test that love.  All He needs to know is who is first.  We can say all day, every day that we love Him with all our heart, soul, mind, and strength, but when He comes to test those words – are they true?  Is He really our all in all?  If He’s not, He’s becoming that to me through these trials of faith.  He’s revealing His heart and how faithful He truly is.  He will not let me lack for anything because it is His will that I be perfected into His image and His image is not lacking.

So now, if I get to the place of giving Him what is most precious in my life, what do I get in return? . . .  Selfish?  Yeah, I know.  I don’t deny it.  I understand the statement I’ve heard many times “God is not trying to take something from you; He’s trying to get something to you.”  I can’t seem to get past the first part though because my truth is that yeah, He did take something from me.  He stripped it out of my life so abruptly that I was lost in a whirlwind of “what just happened?”.  So now that it’s gone physically, my test is in my heart.  Do I continue to hold onto the feelings and love attached to this “first choice” or do I let it go and trust Jesus to be the faithful God He is??

Why can’t I have both?  Why can’t I still have this in my heart and what Jesus is trying to get to me?  He can do anything He wants – why doesn’t He just make more room in my heart?  I guess the space is limited.  It’s hard to make your home in a place that is dusty and cluttered.  He needs to clean out all the cobwebs and stones in my heart.  Those cobwebs and stones are comfortable though.  I know them.  They don’t bother me too much, but they bother Jesus and I’d rather Him be comfortable. 

I don’t have to understand.  Jesus isn’t required to give me an account of His actions.  He’s God.  He can do what He wants.  Anyway, I’m left with feeling like whatever He’s trying to put in my hands to replace the old thing I had no choice but to give is second best – simply because it’s not my first choice.  So I look at this thing He’s giving me and somehow in the depths of my subconscious, compare it to the sacrifice.  I realize how obserd that is because it’s beyond comparing apples and oranges - it’s comparing apples and pillows.  Besides, sitting down with a list of pros vs. cons is nothing more than the knowledge of good and evil – the very first thing God warned us against since the beginning of creation.  He didn’t say – don’t talk to that snake.  He said don’t eat of the tree of that knowledge.  Quick sidebar:  sometimes I get so angry with Adam and Eve because they had everything – all Heavenly knowledge and freedom walking in HIS image and exchanged that for a counterfeit knowledge that supposedly made them as gods – when they already were like the Great Almighty!  but then I realize I probably would’ve done the same thing, so I forgive them.

My point with that is Jesus doesn’t think or act in our terms of good and evil or right and wrong – those are terms we feeble humans use to define what is ethical.  God operates outside of all that, so even if I were to compare my apple to my pillow – it would be a shallow and entirely unfruitful attempt at trying to understand where God is coming from with this whole exchange. 

The best I can do is look at my apple and appreciate it.  I can remember it and cherish it, but give it to Jesus because apparently He’s hungry for an apple.  Then I can look at this pillow He gave me in exchange for the apple.  It in no way, shape, or form replaces the apple; but it’s useful and comfortable in it’s own way.  I’ve come to love the pillow and realize this is the healthiest relationship I’ve ever had with anyone or anything (other than with Jesus).  It’s real & tangible, raw, pure, comfortable, naked, honest, and just like an old shoe.  My apple wasn’t like that at all – it was shiny and new and mysterious because there were so many things left to the imagination.  I’m really not trying to compare – I’m just trying to point out differences (I guess that’s comparing).  At any rate, my pillow shouldn’t endure torment by me because I loved my apple. 

I only want to wake up to see it for what it really is – through the eyes of Jesus instead of my eyes of good and evil – and realize that this “second best” thing in my life truly is the best gift Jesus has ever given me . . . I’m smiling because I desperately love my pillow.