His heart of the matter March 31, 2008

Maybe a title for this post will come to me as I write. That’s a little backwards for me. Normally, I have the title first and then go from there. Nothing seems fitting off the top of my head though. I’ve really been wanting to clear my mind and try to get my thoughts out of my head and into the open so they might make more sense or at least I’d be able to see them for what they are. However, I felt the need to understand myself before trying to explain. Therefore, I’ve been in a cloud of frustration.

Anyway, now I think I understand and realize there’s no need to speak those things into existence because I wouldn’t want the doubts, lies, and torment I was struggling with to prey on anyone that might be reading about my most current affliction. That information should suffice the curious mind; I suppose it will have to.

In the years I’ve been walking with Jesus, I’ve had to come to terms with many things about Him that I didn’t necessarily like. Mostly the fact that He doesn’t always do things the way I would do them. I become utterly frustrated because I don’t understand a lot of His decisions or ways. I know that He exists outside of my definitions of good and bad or right and wrong. He is God. He is I AM. He is Sovereign and Just and Pure and Holy. He will do right in His eyes, not mine. Maybe other people deal with this earlier in their Christian faith, but it has been an ongoing battle for me for years.

At this point, I want to know more than His acts, more than His ways. I want to know His heart. I feel that if I know His heart, then I can trust His heart and then His ways and His acts will make more sense. Even if they don’t make sense, it doesn’t matter because I will know His motivation – and His motivation is always from the purest of hearts and greatest of intents. For instance, if my friend Nikki were to commit some horrible sin such as murder, my first instinct would be to comfort her and ask if she is ok. This is because I know her heart. I am not implying that Jesus sins, but He does do things that I would actually blame or accuse Him of – simply because I don’t understand.

I came to realize that I opened a door for pride and self will in my heart. God allowed it and possibly even used it to test me in this area: Would I trust His heart when His ways and/or His acts are contrary to who I believe Him to be? Honestly, I failed miserably for a little while. I’ve learned well how to wear the mask and walk before people seemingly to have my ducks in a row, but inside was utter turmoil, despair, disappointment, and a callous heart. All the while, I loathed myself for allowing such pride in my life – for questioning God and His reasons for so many unexplainable things in my life. Maybe it has always been there and Jesus just pulled back another layer to let me see what was lying beneath the pleasantries.

Does it sound like I’m in a bad way? I’m really not, not now anyway. It may sound as though I am deceived, but now He has lifted the veil from my eyes. He has helped me walk through this fire and make it to the other side. I was terribly deceived – by my own thoughts and doubts and lies I listened to. Jesus is faithful though. It is HIS grace and HIS mercy that has kept me. It is HIS lovingkindness that pulled me out of the pit. It is HIS rod of correction that showed me the way in which I should go. It is HIS father-heart that He revealed to me.

I long to give Him what He deserves and it doesn’t matter why. The why’s will be revealed in His time and even if they’re not; it doesn’t change the purity of His heart. This temptation to doubt or be deceived may pass my way again as it has before. Each time though, I come to a deeper understanding of who He is, not what He does.

I’m so happy!! March 26, 2008

That title made me think of that song, “I’m so happy, so very happy. I’ve got the love of Jesus in my he-a-art and I’m so happy, so very happy . . . “

but that’s not what I was originally thinking when I started to write. I often wish I had some kind of deep insights to share or new revelation to discuss, but I don’t. I only wanted to say how thrilled I am to be finished with the class I was in and in a new class. That last one was SO much work and it was like pulling teeth just to get the instructor to actually grade all my assignments. Every week, she took off points for missing assignments and I had to go back and show her that I did in fact do the work and that I turned it in on time. Sheesh.

So this class I’m in now is a research class and not quite as exciting as ethics, but at least it’s half the work load – THANK YOU JESUS!! It’s also the last 300 level class I have, then I start my 400 level classes. That’s right ladies and gentlemen, I will be in my senior year of my undergrad. Haha, it only took me 30 years to get here! So to celebrate, I’m going to take a break. I was planning on going year round, but I’m so burnt out. I’ll take a couple weeks (the boyfriend’s suggestion) because it’ll be like summer break and the rest of the college world is out of school, right? Actually, I need to give credit where credit is due – it was originally my mom’s idea for me to take some time off. I decided, ok – a week off will do me well. Then the boyfriend chimed in and said I should take more time off. I deserve it – especially since I’m finishing a whole level of courses. The only down side is that I seriously need to apply for some scholarships so I don’t have thousands of dollars to pay after I graduate. I hate school loans. It just won’t be much of a break if I’m spending the majority of my time completing applications and writing essays. Hmm.

I’m planning on taking at least one class over the summer though – I still want to be finished by next spring. However, there are not one, but two beach trips planned at the end of July/ beginning of August. My cousins go for a week to Edisto in SC and then my boyfriend’s family is renting a cabin on the beach near St. Augustine. I’ll also be spending a weekend in June in NYC. I’ve never been, so I’m excited! The first week in May, my family is coming down here to celebrate my 30th birthday!! (and my cousin’s 21st even though it’ll be a couple weeks after the fact). Busy, busy, busy. I don’t mind the part of being busy that I spend with my friends and family though.

So I had kind of put my thoughts about going to grad. school on the back burner, but especially after the Word on Sunday and then a comment my pastor said at dinner the other night, I know that I want to obtain my Master’s degree in Christian Counseling. Originally, my plan was to move back to the Charlotte area after completing my Bachelor’s and attend Gordon Conwell Theological Seminary. I’ve checked out numerous schools and they seem to have the best program for what I want to do. The online schools aren’t accredited and don’t cover as much materials. Other schools in the area offer counseling, but not specifically Christian Counseling. I had even requested information from Gordon Conwell and after reading the program, fell in love with it. The reason I’m kind of putting it on the back burner is the fact that I have no idea what may happen in the next year or so.

Time will tell ultimately and we’ll just have to wait and see what God has up His sleeve. For now, I know I’m in the will of God, doing what He’d have me to do. As much as I complain about it, there’s a grace to do it. I’ll let tomorrow worry about itself.

Hours March 19, 2008

Here’s a quick list of things I either want to do or have to do on any given day:

Sleep
Eat
Excercise
Feed/Walk the dog
Check emails
Write
Study College stuff
Meet with Jesus (worship and Word)
Job #1 (3-4 hrs.)
Eat again
Job #2 (3 hrs.)
Let the dog out
Church
Eat again
Study more
Spend time with the boyfriend
Shower
Clean/ straighten up a little
Walk the dog again
Somewhere in there, I have to take care of things such as groceries, bills, the bank, the post office, gas station, etc.

I understand that most Americans live their live in this kind of chaos, but I feel the need to complain about it more than most. I’m not saying that I actually accomplish all these things in 1 day, but it’s a goal. My problem is that there’s just not enough time to do what I want because my day is filled with things I’m obligated to. On the other hand, I am obligated to a couple things on my list that are choices, such as school and church. I don’t see these as things that steal my time.

However, I do find myself doing what I don’t want to do and not doing what I do want to do like Paul. In both a good an negative way. It just depends really. It would be nice if I could make myself stick to a strict schedule, but I just can’t. Life is too full of unknowns and you never know what may pop up that will require my attention. I can’t really allow time for that in a strict schedule.

For instance, last night I gave myself a choice of two things: go to church or go home to shower and do my homework. Yeah, I ended up not doing either. But being spontanious is what makes life enjoyable. That’s where I find pleasure, not in the day to day mundane activities.

People often wonder why I don’t have my clothes ironed, don’t wear make up, and show up late with a wet head. If they only knew. I do know people with hectic schedules as mine and can still maintain some way of at least appearing like they’re put together. I don’t even bother. That’s just not on my important list. People also offer me suggestions of how I could organize my priorities or my life or my schedule or whatever. Bottom line is – I basically live the way I want to and what gets done, gets done – what doesn’t, doesn’t. People that are just trying to help don’t realize that they’re not helping at all. I’m pretty much not going to change because I’ve found happiness in the midst of my chaotic life and they also don’t know that I’m harder on myself than need be.

The boyfriend tells me this often as he is the recipient of most of my crying and complaining about it. Life may or may not be easier with him around. That sounded bad, but I assure you I didn’t mean it that way. He’s a wonderful friend to me and a tremendous asset in my life. My point was this – occasionally, he’ll take out the trash, which is a tremendous help. However, his trash doesn’t always make it to the trash can to begin with. Or he’s a big help with fixing little things which I deeply appreciate – really – but not without leaving a string of tools across my apartment. So I do appreciate him, but not his mess. I can’t even clean up after myself, much less a boy!!

I guess there’s just not enough hours in the day to accomplish all my goals. I’m not one of those people that has that much energy and can get things done all the time. My best friend struggles with this too as she has 3 small children which she homeschools, works weekends, and keeps up with the house and church and her marriage. She doesn’t understand why she can’t keep up when she compares herself to people like her sister-in-law that has all the same responsibilities and does twice as much as my friend. I tell her it’s because something, somewhere is lacking. She appears to have it all together, but I guarantee there’s a problem somewhere. I don’t mean to judge, but I believe it’s pretty impossible to be that busy and still give her children, her husband, and especially Jesus the attention they all deserve. On the flip side of that, we’re all called to do different things with our different giftings, so maybe that woman has more grace in areas that my best friend needs to work on and vice versa. I tell her not to compare herself anyway, but that’s the pot calling the kettle black!

Back to me, I also spend time dreaming of a day that doesn’t involve all these places to be and things to do, when I can just sit outside drinking lemonade (or something I actually like to drink) and enjoy the birds chirping and squirrels running. However, that would involve a life where I don’t have to work. If anyone would like to volunteer to pay my bills, that would help so I can quit my jobs – or if you’d like to pay for a maid to take care of my house and dog, that would help too!! Money answereth all things – that’s the truth! As I finish this post, I’m sadly reminded of the laundry list of things to do as it weighs on my shoulders and my dog stares at me with her big eyes because she needs to go out. Stinker.

rest & relaxation, what’s that? March 17, 2008

So I went out of town to enjoy a break from life. I at least accomplished that much. I also had the rare privilige of taking not one, but two nice, hot baths! You’d think that being on a farm, all would be peaceful and quiet. Not so. However, it was still enjoyable. I spent lots of time on the 4-wheeler out in the woods, got all the hair on my face ripped off by hot wax, went to tea with a few people, went to a play in Charleston and out to eat, then enjoyed a nice home-cooked meal on Sunday. YUM! I did get to sleep in that day, but it’s hard when it’s not really quiet. Part of my problem sleeping had to do with the fact that I was sharing a room with my mother who snores and I’m a terribly light sleeper. It’s a curse. So, as much fun as I had and am grateful for the break from my everyday hectic life, it still wasn’t exactly what I had planned. That’s okay though. Unfortunately, I’m back at home, back at school, back at work, back at church. I don’t like being back.

Little Jenna, my little reminder March 14, 2008

Just recently, a very dear friend of mine and her family have a fresh wound in their hearts since their little 3 and 1/2 year old Jenna went to be with Jesus. As happy as I am for her that she’ll never have to endure the tainting and hurt in this world, my heart has not really been my own, but with my friend. It’s all very peacable and somehow God is giving everyone an understanding spirit about it.

So this morning, trying to avoid getting out of the bed for 1/2 an hour, my thoughts have been on little Jenna. She was always a little ray of sunshine and a breath of fresh air all at the same time. She seemed to always be running everywhere she went, full of giggles and twirling like a princess ballerina. She was ALL girl, but she could hold her own with her 3 older brothers. I was always curious to see what life would be like for her as a teenager with a very protective dad, not to mention the three brothers! Oh well.

Even when Jenna was in a sour mood, whiny, tired, or having a temper tantrum – she was still so darn cute, you couldn’t help but just smile. I wonder if that’s how Jesus sees us. I sure hope so because I can throw some pretty nasty temper tantrums His way. Today, I was reminded by Jenna’s little life that she lived it so fully. Every moment seemed to be exciting and new in a world full of wonder. She has become my little reminder to LIVE, not just exist. Especially lately, when I have free time, I tend to waste it watching a movie or sleeping. My life has been overwhelmed with oblilgations and responsibilities. I miss the amusement of enjoying life as a child.

My thoughts then shifted to thinking of what life must be like for her now. I can see her in Heaven sitting in the lap of Jesus as he reads her a book – maybe a book about kittens. Then I think I’m sure she has more knowledge now that us earthly beings are privy to, so she’s probably not so concerned with kittens anymore. It’s a nice thought though to think of her running around in Heaven with all the kittens her little heart could imagine for her to chase and torment. I say torment, Jenna says love – it’s all the same. I remember one of the first times I saw her with one of their cats. My heart cringed on behalf of the cat for fear of it’s life and that Jenna’s eyes wouldn’t be scratched out. She would pick up the cat however she could catch it, which was usually by a paw, ear, or tail, sometimes with just a clump of fur. I recall telling her once, “Jenna, you have to be gentle with the kitty cats,” and her response was, “I am.” How do you argue with that? The cats didn’t seem to mind too much. There were times they even endured for a while without trying to get away. That still amazes me. I wonder if they knew she was just a small child.

To continue where my thoughts were leading me, I finally decided to get up and write a blog about this precious little Jenna. I had to take my dog out first though. That reminded me of my friend, Jenna’s mom, telling me once how she loved mornings because everything seemed fresh and new. My rebuttle had something to do with the fact that I don’t like mornings because they prevent me from sleeping and require my attention. As I was praying for her and her family this morning (I was still in the bed at that point), I was having a vision of sorts – not the heavenly kind, but the imaginative kind. I was praying that Jesus would just wrap her in a blanket of His presence and comfort like a cacoon. Then I said yeah, like a cacoon where she’s totally engulfed in You. Then I said the same for her husband. Then I thought, hey, just put them both in the same cacoon so they’ll have each other too. Then I thought, put the boys in the same cacoon too so they’ll have their parents to lean on. That’s one big cacoon!! But I just imagined this whole family being wrapped so tight in this cacoon of the the presence and comfort of Jesus, that it’s comical how they’re packed in there like sardines.

I was thinking about “losing” Jenna too. In order to lose something, you had to have it in the first place. But many people say (as I’m not a parent) that you never really “have” your children in the first place. They belong to God and parents are just caretakers for a time. I’m thinking then that we didn’t lose Jenna because she’s never been ours. I also think how grateful I am, along with others that knew her, to have had her in our lives. Her little life with such a big heart is still a blessing. It’s a reminder of many precious things. Along the same lines of parents and how desperate their love is for their children, I am in awe at Jenna’s parents and a few others that have trusted me to take care of their children. This boggles my mind, not because I can’t provide care due to lack of being a parent myself, but what an awesome honor that is for someone to trust you with their kids. It’s one thing to have a babysitter, go out for a few hours, and be just a phone call away. I’m sure that’s hard enough (as my best friend explains it to me anyway about her three children). But even on a grander scale, for parents to entrust the welfare of their children to a person such as myself that has never had children of their own – for days at a time while they are out of the state or even the country – is one of the biggest compliments I think I’ll ever receive.

One last thought (I think). Before my friend had mentioned the physical void of her daughter, I had been pondering how hard that must be. I would liken it to always having this extension of your body and then it’s gone – like if you only had long hair your entire life and then you woke up one morning with no hair at all. It has to be a foreign feeling and hard to adjust to. Anyway, it is strange seeing my friend without her little sidekick sitting on her hip or hiding around her legs. Little Jenna LOVED and adored her mother. You rarely saw one without the other. I can only imagine that empty spot on my friend’s hip being a reminder of what once was there – and how constant that reminder must be since I don’t see her every day and when I do, I’m reminded. I would suggest something as silly as carrying around a bag of potatoes and strapping that to her hip for a season, but I’m sure that’s not the point.

My ending thought is that little Jenna melted my heart and will forever remain in my mind a picture of purity, innocence, vibrance, and life as God intended.

(To read more about Jenna and how her family is so wonderfully loving Jesus through her physical absence, you can check out my friend’s blog at www.sumijoti.wordpress.com)

 

taking a break March 13, 2008

I’m so thrilled to be going out of town this weekend. lately, it seems I can’t keep up with my busy schedule. I don’t enjoy life being this busy. My brother has always gone 110 mph, full speed ahead. That’s not my style. I’m more of the laid back, relaxed, mozying type of person. I like to sit in the grass and watch the clouds pass by. Lately, I’ve barely had time to walk my dog, poor thing. I’m trying to work my way through school and still attend church 5 days a week. It’s hard. i have no idea how people with families work full time and still find time to obtain a degree. i take my hat off to those people!

anyway, I decided to get out of town this weekend – away from church, work, school, life. First on my list of things to do: a nice, long, hot, candlelit bubble bath!! That’s so exciting to me since I don’t even have a bathtub. That will of course be after enjoying a warm homemade meal at the farm in SC. Saturday, I plan to go for a long walk down the dirt road in the woods, maybe lay in the hammock or rock on the bench swing in the back yard or the rocking chair on the front porch and just watch nature happen. Sitting at the kitchen table looking out the window is so peaceful. there are hummingbirds and dragonflies buzzing about.

In between relaxing and napping, I’ll be doing my laundry. I know it’s time to do laundry when I get down to my thong underwear. I hate those and only wear them when absolutely necessary. Granted, I probably own at least 40 pair of undies (I’m a big fan), so if they’re all dirty – it’s laundry time. I just hate it because I don’t have a washer and drier – I really don’t mind doing laundry. It’s actually one of my favorite chores ranking way high above washing the dishes. (I don’t have a dishwasher either). The only thing I hate about doing laundry is having to drag it to someone else’s house and sit there while it washes. If it were in my own home, then I could go about my business. That’s why I don’t mind doing it at my aunt’s house.

anyway, Saturday night involves going to a cousin’s play in Charleston. Sunday, I’m planning on going to church with my sister and eating lunch out with her, my mom, and aunt. Then, I have to come back to my hectic life. Teardrop.

Baby Names March 6, 2008

Women are so funny. I’m not even close to being engaged and yet the boyfriend and I are already talking baby names. I find that especially humorous since both of us are undecided about children. Don’t get me wrong, I’ll probably have kids. I’m open to anything God wants to do in my life. However, I can see plenty of perks to not having children as well. I’m sure they’re a blessing and a joy to a mother’s heart that I would otherwise never comprehend. They are also a huge responsibility and require a lot of things I’m not ready to give up yet – such as sleep and nights at the movies. I’m sure the selfless love that comes with motherhood makes those sacrifices easy, but my biggest issue is missing Bible school and church and worship and the things of God that He’s called me to. I’ve learned thus far though, that with His will comes a way – so I’m really not that concerned with it. My only point is that the boyfriend and I both enjoy kids and then we’re both so ecstatic to leave and say, “yeah, I could live without all that”. haha

So we’ve chosen a few names for our unborn children that may or may not ever exist. I’ve never understood people that didn’t share the name before it’s born for fear that someone else would ’steal’ the name. I wouldn’t want anyone to use the names I have, but that’s a little unrealistic. We all just want to be original, I know. But who really cares? I can halfway understand the point of view of not saying the baby’s name until it is born if you want to look at the child first and then make sure the name fits. I guess I can flow with that.

Have I made you wait long enough? Would you like to hear the names now? Okay.
For a girl: Caylah Anne. Caylah means completion or maturity. I’m not sure what Anne means, but I’ve always had an unusual obsession with Anne of Green Gables.

For a second girl name: Chloe or Zella with the middle name Rebekah. I’m not sure what those first names mean, but Zella was one of my grandmother’s names and Rebekah has been a family name for generations. I think it means pleasant or beautiful, but don’t quote me on that. This one is subject to change. The boyfriend says he likes Zella, but can’t actually imagine giving that name to a person. It was his idea to use Rebekah though so we’ll probably keep that one no matter the first or middle name.

For a boy: Isaac William. Isaac means laughter and I don’t know the meaning of William. (These are things I still need to research obviously).

For a second boy name: Gabriel James. Gabriel is champion of God and I need a refresher on the meaning of James. The boyfriend loved Gabriel, but I would like to call the boy Gabe and he hates that, especially since said with his last name that starts with a B. – it sounds like you’re saying “gay” then the last name. I can relent and call the kid Gabriel though. I’ve always liked that name.

We had to compromise on James. I wanted to use Jaimes as a girl’s name and that was out of the question apparently. Boyfriend doesn’t even really like the name James, but he’ll let it slide for a boy’s middle name.

I know this is a completely irrelevent conversation and probably an even more irrelevent post, but I’m procrastinating. I’m sorry to force my ramblings on innocent readers. Thanks for your time.