Lately, I’ve come to a new and deeper understanding of this concept. In the past, I haven’t had a lot of problems with loving myself or forgiving myself. Sometimes, I would hold on to guilt, but could let it go eventually. It’s always been easy for me to show mercy to others, to not judge them for their actions. Forgiveness comes easy when the sin isn’t against you.
Now, I’ve realized when I sin, it is against me. It is first and foremost against Jesus, then against me. It hinders my walk. It keeps me from Him. Nothing I could ever do or say can keep me from His love – ever. I can miss out on His glory or His forgiveness. It’s always there, ready to be given to me – held out to me by His wonderful hands. Even when the sin is against Him (as it always is), He so freely forgives and showers His mercy and grace in love.
I couldn’t receive it. Always before, but not this time. It sounds as if I’ve committed some horrible crime and I haven’t. In fact, a lot of sins in my past are worse than this comparatively speaking. They’re all sins against the Father. However, I felt as if I reached the limit; like there’s a barrel that can only hold so much and once it’s full, you’re finished playing the game – you’re out. That’s how I felt, like my barrel was full of sins and couldn’t hold any more, so I don’t get to walk with Jesus anymore. I guess I could, but there’s no more allotment of grace or forgiveness for me now because my barrel is full.
Where do these beliefs and lies come from? Hmm, let me guess. Anyway, I then felt as if I could continue my walk after being forgiven and the slate wiped clean, but I’d have to start over from the very beginning like I’m playing a board game and had to go back to start when everyone else is almost to the finish line. (Why is everything a reference to a game? I don’t know).
I understand the concept of God’s grace – it’s unending and unyielding. I can’t stop it. It is impossible for Him NOT to forgive me when I truly repent. He won’t deny Himself. I understand that, I didn’t feel it in my heart. I’m not just talking about holding onto things we’ve given Him time and time again. I’m talking about not being able to let it go to begin with no matter how hard you try or how many times you confess it. I knew in my head I was forgiven, but not in my heart. I hadn’t forgiven myself.
Who am I not to forgive when the God of the Universe has forgiven me?? Who am I to say Jesus’ sacrifice is null and void because I think I’m not worthy and unforgivable?? I am Pride. I am Death to everything God is trying to accomplish.
Grace is giving what you don’t deserve = forgiveness. Mercy is not giving what you do deserve = death. The biggest freedom I found was forgiving myself. Showing myself the meaning of Grace. I only learned it from my Father. When I accepted His sacrifice and realized that He is who He says He is and He can do pretty much whatever tickles His fancy, I could forgive. I only needed to hear Him say it. I needed His voice in my life telling me He knows what I’m not and He loves me even more because of it.
I needed His favor. I needed His face looking in my direction. I needed His attention. I only got that when I gave Him my attention – when I stopped looking at how disgusting and unworthy I am. When I look at Him and His magnificent beauty, I see the me that He sees. Beautiful. Precious. A treasure to His heart.
I realized I don’t have to start all over from the beginning. The road I’ve travelled full of potholes and cracks not only have those areas filled with grace, but the entire road is now re-paved with a fresh coat of forgiveness. I’m not back at the beginning. I’m further down the road than I’ve ever been. My sin and unforgiveness of self hasn’t set be back. His revelation to me of grace and forgiveness has boosted me forward.
