Reminiscent November 4, 2007

This cool and refreshing weather brings back not only memories of September in North Carolina or summer in Idaho, but feelings of peace and security.  Everything that we go through seems to be the hardest thing ever and maybe it is up to that point.  The trials we face as children are so hard to overcome as a child, but to face those same problems as an adult seems as easy as making a bowl of cereal.  We couldn’t face today’s problems if it weren’t for yesterday’s lessons.  It is totally possible that what I’m facing now is harder than any other dealing in the past, but I know I will overcome because Jesus is faithful to His promises and to who He is.  He said His burden is easy, His yoke light, He’ll never give me more than I can handle, cast all my cares and burdens on Him, etc.

Anyway, looking back, at the time I’m sure the things I was dealing with were pretty much near impossible to face, much less overcome.  However, right now, this weather bringing back the memories is only reminding me of the serenity I found in those times and places.  Memories are skewed.  It seems like those were the easy times.  They were compared to now, but they weren’t that easy at the time, I’m sure.  Nevertheless, I miss it.  I miss back then.

I miss sleeping in on the weekends.  I miss my dad making pancakes every Sunday morning.  I miss waking up before daylight to go fishing, wearing flannel of course.  I miss the changing leaves.  I miss riding my bike.  I miss my bike.  I miss not having to depend on myself for all my financial needs.  I miss school being my only obligation.  Life seemed simpler then.  It wasn’t as hectic or stressful.  There weren’t so many demands on me or strings pulling me in different directions.  That would be cake to walk through now, but I wouldn’t be able to go through that now if I hadn’t already been through the trials that came then because that’s what made me who I am today. 

Those times seem wonderful and good, but at the time, I had things to deal with too.  Family problems, friend problems, boyfriend problems, church problems; the problems were still there.  Somehow, in my memory though, I remember the peace in all of it.  I miss that.

I have peace, don’t misunderstand.  It just requires tremendous amounts of faith – outside of myself to keep the peace in the storms I face today.  It’s a battle, a struggle, a war to keep the peace and joy of His salvation.  The cares of this world are screaming louder than ever before and are using magnificent strength to hold us back and steal our peace.  Some days, I must admit, I give into all of it and just get lost in a sea of depression overwhelmed with my ‘to do’ list. 

Today though, I choose peace.  No worries about what people will say or do if they feel I’m failing or missing it.  Heck, maybe I am failing or missing it, but I’m keeping my peace.  I only want to spend time in Him – in His Word, in worship.  I miss my Jesus.  I go through the daily duties and even in spending time with Him amongst my crazy life, I still miss Him.  I just want to hang out at home with Him, enjoying the beautiful day outside and thanking Him for every minute and every breath it’s filled with.  I’m gonna make myself some pancakes and enjoy the peace I feel with the weather.  That may not make sense and it may sound dumb, but in times like this is when I feel closest to Him.

It’s one of the parts of my relationship with Him that I can’t explain and don’t try to.  He and I understand it.  That’s what counts. 

Timeline November 1, 2007

There are moments in life that I wish could’ve frozen in time and lasted forever.  These are the best memories.  There are moments in life I sometimes wished never happened, but the product was growth and strength I didn’t know existed, so I don’t regret.  These memories have great wealth.  There are moments in life that at the time seemed meaningless.  Some of these moments I’ve forgotten; the others still offer great wisdom.  I remind myself of these memories, the good, bad, and the somewhere in between ones so I hold onto every moment of every day.  I still tend to wish my life away at times though.

As a child, I wanted to be a teenager.  As a teenager, I wanted to be in college.  As a college student, I wanted to be married.  (I’m still waiting for that one, but it’s okay with me that it’s taking its time).  In times of stress, I want to fast forward that week or two so it will just be over.  My body doesn’t respond well to stress by the way.  My face breaks out and I get tension headaches.  It’s not pretty.

Recently, I’ve found myself daydreaming about being old.  I envy old people and wish I was already at that stage in my life.  I want to be at that place where I’ve been married the better part of my life and so comfortable with my other half.  Life is just better for having spent it with my best friend.  Children are grown and grandchildren are such a joy and blessing.  Work isn’t an issue because I’d be retired.  We were wise with money, so there’s plenty to live off of with no stress.  We made it through the hardest times in life – dealing with financial obstacles, death, loss, betrayal, heartache, sickness, etc. 

When I think about everything I still have to go through – the obstacles newlyweds face, paying off student loans and credit cards, the loss of my parents, betrayal by friends and family, I just want it to all be over.  The truth that exists is it is impossible to be in the place I long to be without going through these things.  I can never enjoy a husband of forty years if we never overcome these things together.  I can’t fast forward to that place because the memories make us who we are.

These older couples that are so in love and so appreciative of their soulmate are only who they are because of the memories they made together:  the kids, the finances, the loss and betrayal.  I want that.  I don’t want the pain. 

Maybe my life is different though.  Everyone is so sure I’ll be married and have kids, everyone but me.  I don’t doubt the promises of God.  On a different note though, I feel like maybe He just might have something a little different for me.  I don’t know what, but I know I’m marked.  People need to understand the possibility exists that I’ll be single forever or even if I’m not, I still might not have children.  I don’t know, but I’m open to whatever God has for me and wants from me.  He has the dreams in my heart and if He chooses to not make those dreams come true for His purpose and His glory, I won’t complain.  I know He gives us the desires of our hearts.  He is so faithful to do that.  He’s always answered my prayers, even if it’s not exactly what I had in mind.  He knows.  He’s just and right.  I choose His dreams, not mine. 

As I think about going through this life alone, it’s okay.  Yeah, there’s times I still want what other people have that I don’t, but I’m reminded of what I do have.  My life is filled with so many luxuries and privileges others don’t have.  I’m so grateful for the person God has fashioned me into and for what He’s still doing in me.  I think it is such an awesome honor to be set aside just for Him, shared with none other.  I know He calls me to minister to others as He wills, but there’s no husband or children I’m obligated to minister to and serve.  That’s bitter sweet.

At any rate, I’ve always been a ‘late bloomer’.  I’m not really referring to that physically speaking, although I suppose that could still apply.  I tend to ‘come into my own’ a little later than others around me or later than what society expects or pressures us into.  This has at times been utterly frustrating to say the least.  Now, looking back, I’m grateful.  I’ve been obedient to what God has said and I’m better for it, as opposed to listening to those around me or the media or whomever is speaking thoughts and opinions in my direction.  Had I listened to any voice other than God’s, I wouldn’t be here today.  I could’ve gone to college ten years ago.  I could’ve been married by now.  I could be living in another country on the mission field.  Actually, I probably would have and be all these things, but none of this is what God wanted for me, at least not yet. 

I’ll accomplish His goals in His time.  Not your goals.  Not my timing.  Only His.