I love the feeling of snuggling up in freshly washed bedding after a nice long shower.
Being Backwards September 24, 2007
Days like today, I hate being a girl. I go through so many moods. Everything is gonna be okay and I’m full of hope one minute. Ten minutes later, I’m extremely stressed and feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders. It starts with circumstances that challenge my thoughts which in turn sparks emotions. Some days this isn’t an issue for me. Things just roll off my back with ease. Not today. I think there probably is a spiritual connotation attached, but honestly I think it’s mostly hormonal.
After talking to a dear friend today about some unexplainable events in life, I’m realizing that now more than ever is the beginning of the swelling of the Jordan. A great move of God is coming, but only after fighting with many beasts- even if some of those beasts are dealings of God and circumstances in our lives. It just seems that lately things that have been happening don’t make any sense in relation to what my faith is based on. God is true and every man a liar. His Word will come to pass. Until then, the opposite seems to be happening.
Portions September 23, 2007
My biggest desire is that He get His portion. If I could be a part of that, every hope and dream in my heart would be made manifest. If I’m not, my heart rejoices that He still gets His portion.
He is my portion. The light in His eyes, the radience of His smile, the love in His touch, the sweetness of His voice. This is my strength. This makes my life worth living.
I know love. I’m sure not in its fullness. This is love. He is love. I am in love.
Ants September 23, 2007
As I step back and try to see things from a bird’s eye view, I see how small each of us are and how insignificant our lives must be. We are God’s creation and were created for one purpose- His pleasure.
Ants just live their little lives doing what they were made to do. They get food and build tunnels and do whatever else it is they do. They don’t ask questions. They don’t question the universe. They just are and they just do and then they just die. I don’t understand why we can’t be more like ants. Why do we make everything so complicated when it’s so simple?
We each have a purpose be it gathering food or digging tunnels. Why is it so hard to just obey our calling and fulfill our purpose. I understand we differ from ants in that we have a spirit and a soul, but the basic concept is the same to me.
It baffles my mind to think of God coming to this world not only for our salvation, but also to relate to what we go through. He was God, but became all man- complete with soul and body. He understands what it’s like to live here with all our foolishness. He knows what it’s like to be tempted. He knows how sometimes the slightest disturbance in our lives make eternal differences in how we relate to people and to God.
That would be like us becoming ants. I’m grateful for His sacrifice – leaving the Heavens to abide with us. I love that every feeling or emotion I endure, He knows already by experience. Yet, as insignificant our lives may be, much less our tribulations, He loves us SO much.
He loves me enough to let me suffer hardships. He loves me enough to provide all my needs. He loves me enough to become insignificant like me just to be able to relate to my life. What a wonderful God to care so much about a little ant. The amazing thing is – His purpose for us is to transform His ants into something magnificently beautiful that He will spend eternity with in intimate communion.
We start as ants – doing what we were willed to do (should we obey). We end as the bride of the Creator of the universe. What happens in the middle is the most important thing in the world, however isnignificant it may be.
so I’m wrong September 21, 2007
“There is no figuring things out, explinations, or making sense of anything. Just be at peace knowing I’m Sovereign. Be still and know I am God.” His word for me today.
I’m dying. No worries- not physically, but soulishly. My heart is passionate about my God, but my will is broken. I rest in knowing it’s all about Him- His work- His responsibility, not mine. I see my shortcomings, He sees Jesus in me.
More than ever, I realize it has nothing to do with me. I have no idea why all the soul-searching and being introspective. We’re all like that, especially in the American culture. It’s all vanity, foolishness and grasping at the wind to me. This life I’m living has nothing to do with me and everything to do with God performing some kind of magnificant work of art. . . not me, but His entire creation. It simply is not about whether I ‘make it’ or not. In a sense yes, but not for my sake- for HIS. He will have a bride, but it’s not about the bride- it’s about Him.
Right now, I actually want to live here as long as it takes so I can attain to that place of spending forever in the secret places of the heart of my God. I can’t bear the thought of not being there. Weeping and gnashing of teeth!
But I want to live again. I’ve been so numb for the past month, not wanting to laugh or cry or feel. I still desire to be a servant and die to self. But I also want to enjoy my life again. A spark of hope I haven’t seen in quite sometime.
Making Sense September 21, 2007
Today as I was walking with the sun warming my skin, I couldn’t decide if I liked the sun or the rain better. I’ve always liked the sun better. But it’s been raining for a few days now and I’ve grown quite accustomed to it. When I decided I liked the sun and rain equally, I had an epiphany.
Hopefully, I can put into words the revelation that is in my heart. I’ll do my best, but I’m thinking it’s one of those things you have to experience to completely grasp the concept. hmm, where do I even start?
God’s thoughts and ways are higher than ours according to His Word. Speaking of which, when I was a kid, I heard “God’s Word” a lot and I always wondered what His ‘Word’ was – was it love or purity or what? haha, I don’t know when, but obviously I figured out it’s the Bible. Anyway, I think I’ve somehow, someway tapped into a glimpse of the way He thinks. I wouldn’t dare presume I know His thoughts, but anytime you spend enough time with someone, you certainly learn their ways.
Today though, I felt like I was on the outside looking in. It’s like I finally woke up or understood reality and the rest of the world is still in a dream world or something. God made both good and evil. He is good, right, pure, holy. But He doesn’t judge things by our version of ‘good’ and ‘bad’. Of course He hates sin, but there is no such thing in His world as good and bad. That sounds rediculous I know. But we form those opinions from the knowledge of good and evil . . . something we were never intended to have. We are not judges and shouldn’t make judgements. There is ONE Judge. We are simply His. Things just are. They don’t have to be good or bad, positive or negative – it just is.
Who’s to say the mountain top is more exciting than the valley? All things work toward the same end. My point is now I see things as they are and not what humanity has made them. My focus is on the Heavenlies. I don’t measure my life anymore by how many years I’ll be on this earth. My life is neverending and this is only a phase.
All I want is to be lost in the glory of God – in this world or the next, I don’t care. But I want it to happen soon.
So another thought that sort of goes along with this theme is love and relationships. “These three remain: faith, hope, and love. And the greatest of these is love.” If we don’t love each other whom we see and hear and touch, how can we possibly love God whom we cannot see?…
Everyone that I’ve let into the inner sanctum of my heart has either betrayed, dissapointed, or left me. (with the only exceptions being Jesus and Nikki- but sometimes Nikki has her own life, family, and problems to attend to so she can’t always be there for me. I know it’s a crime!) I say that like it’s happened over and over and over and it actually has, but the majority of people in my life aren’t quite to the inner sanctum level – even some of those that I consider to be my closest friends. I think this area should be saved for Jesus and a spouse (and if you’re me, Nikki).
I’ve mentioned before there is that sacred place that only belongs to Jesus and no one else. I’m not talking about that. Anywho, for whatever the reason, I’m left with a broken heart. That’s okay. I can deal. Especially with my new aspect on life and how truly short this time is here on earth (although it’s starting to feel like an eternity to me). But I know now that these short years are the only time I will ever have to endure such hardships – which makes it all the more bearable.
Getting back to a point – all the hurt in my heart makes me want to keep people at arm’s distance and not let them in. If I don’t get close to anyone again, I won’t be devestated again, right? Living alone isn’t all that hard, it’s people in our lives that make it difficult by pulling on our heartstrings all the time. It takes discipline and focus to keep your eyes on Jesus and not be distracted by the cares of this world. That is a wonderful thing should one acheive it! My only concern is not truly experiencing all God has to offer and not truly knowing who He is if I continue to retreat from relationships. I’ve learned that relationships are all we truly have in this world worth anything. Of course, Jesus is always first priority and our walk with Him should be on the forefront of our heart and mind every day. However, experiencing Him and knowing Him completely doesn’t just happen in glorious worship meetings. . . it comes through relationships with fellow man.
The body of Christ is made up of many members. The most important part being the Head – Jesus. However, to know Him in totality -His whole being means knowing the rest of His body . . . the members. I think this theory extends outside the body though to all humanity. So basically, if I want to attain all there is in God – get to that place of no return such as Enoch, then I have to embrace people and learn of Jesus through those relationships- how they work, etc. I have no choice but to let people in and break my heart if that’s what happens, but I’m willing to pay the cost.
I think only someone that has actually had to sacrifice huge parts of their life understand exactly what that cost is. I’m sure God holds a lot back in letting us know the trials we’ll go through because we’d be totally depressed and overwhelmed if we knew what we’ll have to face in the future. The things I’ve been through so far would’ve killed me if I didn’t have the comfort of my God. . . and a support system in my family and church. I also know that whatever will be required of me to come to a place of completion will be wrapped in a blanket of grace. That’s what has brought me through so far. I’ve overcome demons and heartbreak and death and life and dealings and drama all because of the grace God gave me to handle those situations. That’s the only reason I’m still here.
My heart is still tender and carries with it a dull pain, but I KNOW how faithful my God is to get me to the other side of it. I also know it will break again, but probably never in the same way. This latest struggle of mine has made me so much stronger not only in my faith, but as a person. I see things differently (as I keep repeating), but it’s not cynical. I can understand how it might sound to the rest of the world, but I’m looking forward to the next life and shedding this old skin. I want to be there so badly, I can taste it. That’s why I’m determined to do my very best here so I finish the race and meet Him at the finish line.
The cares of this world no longer entangle me. I pray it stays that way the rest of my life. There’s no need for pride or to be embarassed. There’s no need to be concerned with others’ opinions. I see them as I see myself - just another person trying to get through another day whether they be the President or the homeless guy on the street. They are the same to me. There’s no need to be nervous around ‘important’ people. I see them as God sees them- they’re people. There’s no need to impress anyone. My confidence comes from Jesus. I live for Him – not people. I don’t care about appearance- be it yours or mine. That doesn’t matter. He sees the heart and that’s what I see now too. . . even in myself. I’m sure I still have a very long way to go before I see myself as God sees me, but I can at least say I really like myself. This might come accross as arrogance, but it’s not- it’s the complete opposite. I’m coming from a place of knowing I’m nothing and my life amounts to a grain of sand, so how could I possibly judge someone else? I’m not putting myself down either – I’m just calling it like I see it.
It all goes back to seeing things not as ‘good’ or ‘bad’. It just is. I know who I am in Jesus. I know the importance of that role. I know I’m nothing apart from Him and only one of billions of people that have ever walked this earth. My perception is changing from man’s thoughts to God’s thoughts. My little peabrain will never understand how wonderful and magnificent He is- how could a pillow I make understand me? It’s impossible. But, I do know God is changing my heart to not see as man sees. I’m starting to see all things clearly. That might sound backwards and messed up or crazy. Maybe it is, but I like it so I’m sticking with it.
barefoot in the rain September 15, 2007
It’s raining. It’s 11pm.
Lately I’ve only been existing, not living.
So I went outside in my pajamas to stand barefoot in the rain.
something for me September 15, 2007
Everything in me says I should be a servant. Obey God and minister to His people. Be what other people need and want. Be a friend when no one else will. Be a friend period. Show up for important events. Make a living. Pay bills. Go to school. Do something.
A couple different friends have told me recently that I’m no good to anyone else if I don’t take care of myself first. That seems a little backwards according to what I believe. It has nothing to do with me – I need to die to self. On the other hand, that statement is entirely true. I don’t want to be selfish, but this statement came from one of the biggest servants I know. He was one of my best friends and one of the greatest encouragements in my life. That’s all gone now.
It seems most of what I do and how I live my life is for other people. I don’t want to be a people pleaser. I don’t want to live just for myself. I don’t mind being a servant, but I get burnt out at times. I hate being selfish, but it’s a part of life I’ve learned. I need something for myself – not a lot, but something. I just don’t know exactly what that is yet.
Joy September 8, 2007
If God be true and every man a liar and His burden light & His yoke easy, then this heaviness on my heart isn’t from God and is a lie. So why does it feel so real? One of my favorite verses is the joy of the Lord is your strength. I always personalize it and say it’s MY strength. But then I’ve thought about it and wondered what is His joy and how do I attain it because I surely don’t feel any joy at the moment. There is always that joy and peace in my spirit due to what Jesus has done and for who He is, but I need real, tangible joy in my life.
Already, in the past couple weeks, I can see how God is working good out of my tragic circumstances. That moves me. I am finding joy in the little things again which is a large part of who I am. I love nature and everything in it. I love all the flying things, the creepy crawlies, the furry animals, and all the greenery and colors that are splashed across the earth.
Hmm, here’s a random thought and I apologize I keep speaking of death, but that’s what is on my mind as of late. Where did the custom of giving a person flowers when a loved one dies originate? It seems odd to me. I know flowers usually cheer people up and bring a smile to their face because flowers are just happy. However, if someone just died – trust me, the most wild, beautiful, exotic bouquet doesn’t bring any happiness. It touches the heart because of the thought and money put into it, but the actual flowers themselves don’t offer any measure of comfort. Just a thought . . .
Back to my point – what is there to be so joyous about here on earth? It is a prison to me. I need to find joy in the midst of my circumstances. The only thing that brings me joy is Jesus. I don’t want to beat against these bars with a tin cup singing woe is me. There are many people that have been through far more in quantity and much more difficult deals and issues than what has been alotted to me. I know if I switched places with them for even a few minutes, I would want my life back. I know my reaction to my circumstances is what matters most. I want to approach the dealings of God with joy.
I haven’t married the statement Paul made about counting it all joy when we face these trials and tribulations and sufferings to my heart yet. Maybe that’s what all this is about. I need to count it joy that I’m going through a fire because I’m being made into pure gold. My garments are being scrubbed of any spots or blemishes. I just feel like I’m drowning in the suds at times. I just want to get through this life without sweating. I want to relax, enjoy it, find this world to be a blessing and not a prison.
Another random thought all of a sudden – the word enjoy. EN-JOY. hmm
So what about Jesus brings me joy other that what He’s done for me. He is joy. He is all things good and right and just. I’ve found He’s all I have. He will never leave me or disappoint me. He is faithful and adores me. He has my best interests in mind – where does that come from? I would think His will rules supreme and it does, but just as any man would put aside his own desires for his beloved, God remains Sovereign along with His will, but He moves Heaven and Earth for His beloved as well. This may not change His will, but actually sets it in motion. He’ll do anything to have His bride with Him for eternity. He loves us enough to let us hurt and go through these hard times so we can be called pure, spotless, beloved, dove.
Two must become one in any marriage. To be married to Jesus, I have to be like Him. To be like Him, I must die to my soul and let my spirit live in fullness – ruling my soul, mind, emotions, and body. My soul hurts right now. It is heavy. I fight against spirits of depression and melancholy every day. Why can’t Jesus just fix it? He can, but won’t because He wants His bride – and He’ll have her. I’ll keep fighting and I will find joy because I will do whatever I need to do to be with my Beloved.
He is my joy. He is my strength. He is my reason for plodding on. Apart from Him is nothing. Nothing doesn’t appeal to me. It is the ultimate death. I choose life – life in Him – life in joy.
Good Day September 5, 2007
It’s not great or glorious, but it’s good enough – especially after one of the worst days of my life. I wonder what determines whether it’s gonna be a good day or a bad day. My personal motto has always been “the day is what you make of it”. That’s somewhat true for most people and most situations. It’s your reaction to the circumstances that counts. However, sometimes (especially for women), you truly have no control over your emotions. The only way you come close to keeping them in check and getting a lasso around them is through some heavy duty worship and Word (warfare in other words).
I’m finding through my most recent dealing or struggle that there are good days and bad days. Some days are easier. Some days I can’t stop crying. Some days I stay in bed til noon. What I’ve found is I can only do what I can to get through. If that’s the best I can do, then I’m okay with that and not feeling guilty about it. None of us knows what someone else goes through because we aren’t made the same way. What might be hell on earth for me might be a little blurp for you or vice versa. We each have our own devils to fight and overcome.
So today is a good enough day. I haven’t cried yet and I’m not stressed about a lot. I’m okay with my circumstances. I’m sure I’ll cry eventually, but it’s been almost three weeks that I’ve cried every day, so I’m not too optomistic that today is the day I won’t cry. We’ll see. Crying isn’t really a bad thing to me. Sometimes I start crying for no reason when I’m not even thinking anything. There’s just pain in my heart that needs to make its way out.
I think I’m going to see a grief counselor maybe. I don’t know. I think since I want to get into counseling, it wouldn’t hurt to be on the other side of it at least once. Plus a while ago, I was on anti-depressants for about a year. I’m not opposed to that, but I really would like to get through this on my own without chemical help. I’m a firm believer that sometimes we go through so many things at once, our hormones and whatnot can get knocked out of whack and God will use anything to get our bodies back in line. I’d just rather try to get through this with Him first before going that route again. Besides, like I said – at least I have good days.
