Glorious Day! August 28, 2007

My friend that recently died used that word frequently.  You’ll probably be reading a lot about that because that’s what’s on my mind the most.  Anyway, a friend of mine recently posted this and it so describes how I felt about the guy that died.  He was a real man in a world full of chumps.  I was trying to think if I’m remembering him the way he really was or just the way I want to.  The conclusion I came to is yeah, he really was that wonderful:

“Seriously. There’s a difference in what society tells us a man should be, and what a man really should be. Traits such as honor, loyalty, honesty, chivalry, and respect should be what men strive for. Society often tells us that these traits are a sign of weakness but in my opinion, a man that possesses these traits is someone to be highly respected. Holding true to what you know is right, noble, and honorable in spite of such opposition is something no amount of weight lifting, financial success, or anything else can bring. True men understand that to possess ultimate power, it is often necessary to surrender.”

Anyway, I woke up in a good mood today, actually feeling refreshed. I had a dream last night with him in it – one of those things where it wasn’t really him, but I knew who it was. It brought me a great deal of comfort and peace about knowing how much he did care about me . . . be it true or not. It might just be a figment of my imagination or a manifestation of my sub-conscience, but I choose to believe it simply b/c it makes me feel better. haha

Today is the first day I’ve actually been even the least bit excited about working and going back to school. I was like this before he died and ever since, I haven’t seen much point in doing anything. Somehow, God restored my hope and has given me strength to keep going. I just want to make him proud of me.  Funny thing is, all I have to do is be my normal chipper self.  He loved how I could always make him smile and how I laughed at life.  I’m getting there.

anyway, I’m excited about that, but feel guilty at the same time. I’m not leaving him behind though, I’m taking him with me everywhere I go in life – in my heart and my memories.  I just feel like it’s a little quick too – but I’ve been praying every day for the pain to leave and I do feel like the monkey on my back is gone.  I’m sure I’ll be shedding more tears eventually.  I still cry for missing the friend that died 10 years ago, but it’s not like a heaviness on my heart, more like just an aching for her.  It’s the same now.  There’s not a ton of bricks weighing on me anymore, but my heart still misses him.  It is so true that love for people fills our hearts and when they die, no one or nothing could ever replace that space in our heart.  God can remove the pain, but still the memory lives on.  If we forget the love we shared with these people, it’s like saying their life was in vain.  Keri and Dan’l were both two of the most amazing people I’ve ever had the priviledge of meeting, much less being friends with.  Their lives counted for something and I’m forever changed just for knowing them.

Perception August 27, 2007

It’s odd to me how much death changes things.  Life is going along just like any other day and then WHAMMO – it’s all turned upside down.  I thought after I lost one of my best friends over ten years ago that death would be easier after that because I’d been through it before.  It has been for the most part.  All of my grandparents have died and a couple other family friends.  I cried.  I miss them at times.  I’m okay and life goes on. 

This time is different though.  It’s losing my best friend all over again.  It’s the death of a dream and loss of a hope.  It’s having to keep going wondering what might’ve been and knowing you’ll never have an answer to that.  It doesn’t matter though because this is how it is.  It only amplifies the pain and heartache along with dealing with it completely alone because no one knows except the one that’s already gone. 

There is great comfort in knowing where your loved one stood with Jesus and how they’re experiencing the happily ever after we could only dream of.  I’m so ready for that place of peace and joy where there is no pain or hurt or disappointment.  Unfortunately, I’m still stuck in a world I don’t belong.  This isn’t my home.  Only His promises are keeping me from drowning in my own river of tears.  They still flow daily, but somewhere, somehow, I find hope for the unknown in my future.  I find strength where there is none.  I find a broken dream being mended.

Okay, so I haven’t found all that yet, but I’m trusting it will come.  If people only knew some of the things I’ve had to walk through.  Jesus is always faithful to bring me to the other side no matter the storm or how much agony I’m in.  He’s rescued me from utter torment every time in the past, so I have no choice but to believe He’ll do it again. 

Right now though, I’m not sure if my perception is skewed or on a more accurate trek to where it should be.  My mind is on Heavenly things.  Nothing in this earth matters.  Nothing.  I only want to be with Jesus and everything here is a distraction.  It’s all vanity, stupid, pointless.  I really don’t care.  Yes, I’m angry.  I’m hurt.  I’m not taking in out on anyone – I express it the only way I know how.  I cry.  I’m just having a hard time understanding the why’s that I always thought I had an answer to.

I know I’m here for His purpose and His pleasure.  Fine.  I go through things to draw me closer to Him.  Fine again.  But why does it seem that some of us appear to get more opportunities than others?  Why do some of us only get to play a small role, end scene, and go home when others of us have the lead and are stuck here for the entire show?  I just want to do my part, get it over with, and be done with it all.

There are so many hard places in my heart that need to be broken.  They weren’t there before – unless they were and just hiding from the light.  I want to laugh again, but I don’t.  It pisses me off that the rest of the world just keeps on living their little lives full of materialistic things and problems that are miniscule when I’m here suffering the loss of my dear friend.  I have to force myself to walk out the door every day.  I know I’m being selfish in wallowing in my grief.  I keep telling myself I need to just let go and move on.  I’ve prayed to break the soul tie. 

I’m just so tired of being hurt.  I go through this every year with a different man.  I thought this time was different - I was breaking a pattern.  He had the same background and culture, he was single, he was available emotionally.  He’s gone now too.  I hate the devil and I hate death and I hate feeling hate.  One of the things he loved about me was how I made this world a little brighter.  That’s not who I am right now and I hate that too.

My heart wants to put up a huge wall and remain detached from everyone.  Then it will be impossible to be hurt again.  I don’t even know if  happiness is worth the risk of my heart breaking again.  Only Jesus can heal me.  I want to be healed.  I’m tired of crying and being angry.  I want to allow myself time to grieve, but get over it at the same time.  I want to not condemn myself for being angry or asking questions.

One thing I am trying to keep with me and look at as a positive is how I seem to have lost my concern for other people’s opinions.  That’s always been an issue for me, be it big or small at times.  Now, I just don’t give a rip.  My house will get clean when it gets clean.  If someone doesn’t like it, they’re welcome to leave.  If I’m late, I’m late.  If I mess something up, I apologize but it’s not the end of the world.  If I make a wrong decision and my heart is in the right place, does it truly matter that much?? 

I don’t know, maybe I’m just being cynical.  We all die.  I’m not afraid of that.  Like I said, I’m more looking forward to it.  There’s nothing this side of Heaven I’m that attached to anyway.  no husband.  no kids.  I’m surrounded by people that truly love me.  That’s a plus and I truly do feel blessed.  But they all have their own lives.  I just want to do the best I can and be obedient to what God has called me to do.  I only want Him and His will to be done.  He’s all I have.  He might be all I’m ever gonna have.  I only want to be alone with Him and not have to deal with people. . . as much as I love some people in my life, it just seems easier to not care.

My problem is that contradicts the heart of God.  He does care and I want His heart, so I seriously need Him to fix me.

Fasting August 17, 2007

You know it’s a commandment, right?  The Bible says WHEN you fast, not IF you fast. 

Anyway, I just wanted to share a few observations about fasting that don’t really have any spiritual connotation.  Okay, maybe just a little.

I always know when a fast is from God or not simply by having the will to do resist food.  I love food.  Many times I’ll start a fast and not make it through the first day.  I’ve done SO many 1 day fasts!! hehe

Another aspect is being able to deny your body food for an extended period of time.  Last year, I did a 21 day fast. . . sort of.  I made it to the 4th day on only juice and water when I almost passed out walking from my bedroom to the bathroom.  When I saw myself in the mirror, I looked like a heroine addict or something.  My face was ghostly white with dark circles not only under my eyes, but my eyelids were dark too.  That’s when I realized I was going to have to some sort of sustenance to get me throught the fast.  I ended up eating nuts and allowed myself 1 piece of wheat bread a day.  (Neither of these are things I regularly eat because I just don’t like them that much, so I figured that would be the same as not eating). 

My point is, when you really are called to a fast – food is the best thing to fast, but if you physically can’t do that, then fasting 1 meal a day for a period of time is okay.  Not to mention other things that ‘consume’ us.  I’ve done a couple 40-day fasts before, but never from food (I’m working on it though).  I’ve fasted tv & movies as well as all chocolate, ice cream, and sweets because these things become an addiction for me.

I heard a message once about the ‘demon’ food.  Food isn’t bad in and of itself.  We need food to survive.  It’s a good thing.  However, we tend to abuse it.  It becomes an addiction or we take it for granted or we become gluttons.  Basically, what the pastor was saying was if we can get this natural thing out of the way – out of our tunnel vision, the biggest ‘demon’ so to speak.  Then it becomes easier to focus on spiritual things and get rid of all the other demons in our life.

Whatever – I can’t re-explain it because it was so many years ago and I don’t remember that well.  It ministered to me anyway.  It is true though that denying your physical body sustenance amplifies your need for God.  You have to depend on Him and trust Him for not only those big things, but the little as well - such as energy and health.  Every time I’m tempted to eat, I remember Him and as for His strength to overcome temptation. 

Speaking of which, isn’t it crazy that things you normally don’t even like smell so incredibly appetizing when you’re fasting?  I know that’s a natural response of the body, but I can also see how it’s the enemy tempting us too because sure enough – the second you give in and eat whatever it is – it’s not as gratifying as you had anticipated.  That’s usually the way it is with sin.  It’s such a deception.  It looks so wonderful and beautiful, but the second we partake, we feel like crap and don’t even enjoy whatever it is (just like Adam and Eve).

Another thing I find comical is how people unknowingly shove food in your face – and that normally never happens unless you’re fasting.  People offer to take you to dinner or bake you a cake or whatever.  It’s pretty funny.  And I hate telling people I’m fasting.  I usually just smile politely and say no thank you.  But sometimes people can be very persisitant – in which case I’ll tell them.  I just don’t like to do that because I feel like I’ll be judged if I end my fast early or they want to know what I’m fasting for or about.  Sometimes, I don’t necesarily have a reason except it’s just on my heart to do and spend some extra time with Jesus.

Most times, it’s easier to fast when you’re fasting for an outside purpose or another person rather than for a personal reason.  It is for me anyway.  Okay, that’s all I have to say about that . . . for now.

Katie August 16, 2007

If there is any person in my life that I want to be most like (other than Jesus, obviously) - it’s Katie.  This woman continues to amaze me time and time again, year after year.  She’s actually morphed into a totally different person from the time I met her over 10 years ago.  She’s so much thinner and more stylish now, but more than that – her personality has completely blossomed.

Maybe she’s always been the same and I somehow, someway have made it into her inner sanctum of people.  She really is the loner type and has never really had close ‘friends’.  She’s sociable enough, but she does have to live in a glass house with everyone looking in so maybe that’s why she keeps to herself. 

She’s a rock solid woman that never waivers in her faith or love.  It might take a while for her to open up, but when she does – you feel so blessed for having the priveledge of being trusted with such a beautiful treasure.  Are you thinking I’m going a little far with the words of flattery?  Maybe so, but it’s all true.

Honestly, she can do ANYTHING.  She can sing, play instruments, take care of her children with minimal help, cook a separate meal every night at 11pm for her husband (due to his finicky eating habits and work schedule), lay carpet, put up dry wall and sheet rock, decorate like a professional, hang Christmas lights from the roof, be at her husband’s beckon call to tie his shoes or wash his hair (and she enjoys it) – I’m telling you.  She’s my hero.

Those are only things in the natural.  I know more than most about her childhood, her family, defeats and triumphs, her strengths and weaknesses, likes and dislikes, even some of her dreams and desires.  One of the things I admire most about her is she truly does not care about anyone else’s opinion.  She never has.  She lives for Jesus and is not intimidated by anyone.  She’s content to stay in the shadows with no pride or ambition – no appreciation either for most of what she does and who she is.  That doesn’t matter though because everything comes from a heart that longs to please Jesus and this is where her confidence is birthed.  I wish I had half the confidence she has, but I suppose she does hide her insecurities well.  They don’t hinder her in anything. 

She’s strikingly beautiful inside and out.  The things she’s endured and kept to herself that no one knows about are an ispiration and only make her stronger.  She’s so incredibly intelligent with cunning wit.  She’s a diamond in the rough and she’s only becoming more and more precious not only to me and her family, but to her Saviour as well. 

There have only been a small number of compliments to me that have been life changing.  The most recent and possibly most meaningful to date was from Katie (only second in comparison to personal  involving Jesus).  I was asked to be her maid of honor when she renews her vows (if her sister doesn’t make it which I’m positive she will).  The point is that she would ask me of all people.  Isn’t that a position reserved for a best friend type person? 

I’m beyond honored and stunned that she would  think that highly of me.  To me it’s the same as a compliment from the President or your favorite singer or actor, but more.  I’m not idolizing her or putting her in a place she doesn’t belong in my heart, however – she’s still my hero.

not my job August 12, 2007

Sometimes it takes me a while to remember things I already know. . . like how faithful God is.  More importantly and the subject I want to talk about is how it’s not my job to worry about my life.

Years ago, I gave my life, everything in it and everyone to Jesus.  This means all my tomorrows are in His hands and out of my control.  More than anything in the world I want His heart to be satisfied (my mission in life) and for His will to be done on this earth.  That’s the point – it’s His will so He’ll make it happen.  All I have to do is be a willing vessel which I am.

The hardest part sometimes is hearing His voice and having the strength to obey.  It’s not always easy when my heart might want something else.  But it’s like a friend of mine once said – a 5 year old child can beg to drive a car all day and the parent may even say, “Yes!  I want you to drive a car . . . in only 10 more years!”

We have these desires that we feel need to be absolved yesterday, but God’s timing is SLOW.  He doesn’t live in our fast-food culture or share that mentality.  There are things I want for my life and desires that I feel are from Him.  However, if I make things happen in my life instead of waiting on Him, then I’m completely out of His will and His timing.

It’s up to Him.  He’s the one in control and He knows the plans He has for me – plans to prosper me.  I have to continue to trust that even though I have no idea where I am or what the next step of the plan is.  It’s His responsibility to give me direction and to open the doors that will make His plan unfold.  That doesn’t involve me at all.

I can tell you some things on my heart at the moment, but it doesn’t necessarily mean these things will happen or they’re a part of what He wants for His kingdom or my life.

If I’m not going to be doing what I originally thought I’d be doing and I’m going to be single forever or even for a while longer, then I’m going to have to continue to make my own income.  That being the case, shouldn’t it be something I enjoy rather than something I endure?  I think so too.  So, I enjoy writing, photography, cutting hair, and counseling.  The first two involve a lot of drive and motivation, not to mention failing time and time again until I figure out what I’m doing.  The latter two would involve me going back to school for a bit.  I’m not opposed to that idea, but I’d have to pay for it which I can’t even affort insurance at this point, so that might be out.

Either way, I’m trusting God to open the doors and He knows my heart.  I don’t enjoy sitting behind a computer 8 hours a day doing something that doesn’t make a difference or help people in any way.  He still uses it though - to make me a better person and as an instrument for His glory through obedience and a witness to other people.

So long story short – the conclusion I’ve come to is to first stop complaining about my circumstances.  Secondly, I need to stop worrying about how it will all play out, in what direction my life is going, and what the plan is.  He knows.  I have faith and comfort those words.

sometimes I forget August 11, 2007

My dog is just like any other dog – she’s a dog. 

But I forget that because she’s such a little person- complete with personality.  She has her incredibly stubborn moments and times when she’s super sweet.  There is such wisdom in her old eyes and yet she’s so childlike . . . looking to me for permission to go outside or sit on the couch. 

I need to remember – she’s a dog.

always the case August 10, 2007

All day when I’m busy working or just busy with whatever consumes my life, my mind is racing thinking of things I want to write.  But by the time I can write, my mind is blank. 

Writing really is therapeutic for me and lately I haven’t had the opportunity to write – I’ve just been talking to Jesus.  I did come to the conclusion I need to stop talking to Him so much and LISTEN to what He’s saying.

That being said – I’ve believed a lot of things about my life and what I’m doing with it because of what other people have said.  I take their words as the gospel truth, so I need to take those words to Jesus and ask if it is His truth or not. 

My imagination goes crazy with what His response might be and a lot of those thoughts scare me – like I’m a big screw up or something.  Obviously, if I am a disappointment to Him (which I’m not), me jumping to conclusions again is not from Him; I’m just listening to lies from the enemy.

If the past will continue to hold true, then everything will work itself out somehow without my help or my worrying or stressing.  Jesus is faithful like that.

Lost August 7, 2007

Why is it that if one thing happens, everything happens?  It’s almost like a cycle of life.  Even if things aren’t wonderful and great, they’re okay enough when BAM – a billion little things and some big totally snowball and knock you out.

I wouldn’t even know where to begin to try to explain everything that’s piled on my plate right now.  Oddly enough, this time it’s not stressful in my ‘to do’ list.  It’s stressful emotionally.  I have no choice but to just stand.  I’ve done everything I know to do.

There are things in my heart I need to be careful of in order to keep my heart right and pure before the Lord.  I have to forgive.  I have to let go.  I have to keep boundaries and not cross certain lines.  This is so hard at the moment when I want to cross lines and I have every right to hold a grudge, but I can’t because Jesus won’t allow it.

Never in my life have I been so alone, lost, and scared.  I’ve always had a safety net or a comfort zone.  None of that exists anymore.  The only person in my life I can depend on to never disappoint me or leave me or let me down or lie to me and will be there unconditionally is JESUS. 

Things happen in life that aren’t explainable and as much as I’d love to dish out all the details so someone could pat me on the head and tell me it will all be okay, I can’t.  It’s not my place and I wouldn’t do that only to protect those people around me that have broken my heart, missed the mark, and failed miserably. 

Honestly, this needed to happen because those that were on a pedestal in my life don’t reside there anymore.  They never asked to be there, but they were.  That’s the whole point, I suppose – that was my security.  I have to find my own way and not trust a man’s direction.  I can’t follow in footsteps that don’t fit my feet or my stride. 

This scares the hell out of me really.  Everyone I’m in church with share a common vision and goal.  I’m coming to realize as much as I’m grateful for what I’ve learned and I still have more learning to do, that this isn’t necessarily my vision or calling.  I’ve been faithful in another man’s vineyard and will continue to be until Jesus tells me what to do next.  I refuse to walk away from the only ministry that has ever truly fed me.  I do believe God ordains who our pastor is – like our parents.  Sometimes we may not like this and they may make mistakes, but that doesn’t change the fact that this is how God set it up.  If I neglect the authority He’s given to a man – I might as well reject His authority altogether.

I just see myself growing in a different direction.  Before this summer, I thought everything I’m learning is for a purpose – a goal of me teaching it to others.  It still has purpose and that might be the outcome, I’m not sure.  None of us know the future.  I’m just at a point where I see myself with my giftings obeying Jesus – my true covering.  I somehow have mistaken following a man and his ideals as following Jesus. . . not that his beliefs are wrong, but ultimately I have to obey Jesus and this may or may not conflict with the vision of my church.

I don’t want to be selfish and just do my own thing.  I really have no ambition in the ministry per say, except to give others what’s been given to me – the ability to worship and the sweet presence of God fills the room, the ability to open the Bible and ancient mysteries are made plain by the spirit of revelation – heck, even knowing the presence of God or what the spirit of revelation is.

Lately though, through several circumstances and events, I feel a severing in my heart.  I’m going through a grieving stage.  It’s like a death.  I can’t run to my mom and have her kiss it and make it better.  I can’t run to anyone.  no one. 

My heart is turning towards my family and another area of the country and towards writing.  I LOVE to write – if it’s good or not, it doesn’t matter.  That’s my heart’s desire and my passion right now.  I need to search things out for myself and not just take someone’s word for it.  My pastor has always said this, but I’ve not done a lot of that because I always just had a witness to his teachings.

Anyway, I know I have to wait on God to open the doors for what He wants from me.  Until then, I have to sit in obedience of the last thing He told me to do, so that’s what I’m doing.  It’s just hard when my heart is elsewhere.

 I’m just ready for life to be a little easier when I don’t have to struggle with finances all the time and wonder where the rent money is coming from.  It would be nice to sit back and enjoy my life.  I love who I am and the people surrounding me and I do enjoy life, but I’d love to not have to work at it.  I’m sure the rest of the world at least agrees with me on that.