This is one of my biggest downfalls… and I’m actually not as bad as other people are. The thing is I always see the best in people and give them the benefit of the doubt. That’s good, right? I know other people that immediately assume the worst about people. That’s not me.
My problem isn’t in ‘judging’ other people in that sense as much as it is caring so much about how they think of me. I HATE this stinkin fear of man! Recently I’ve made a few decisions- big ones that don’t necessarily affect anyone in my immediate circle directly, but whatever . . . point being, I allow myself to become so consumed with what ‘they’ MIGHT think. I totally jump to conclusions about how people will respond and even if it’s positive, I think they’re really thinking something negative.
As it turns out, every response I got was genuine and understanding- no judgements involved. However, not everyone has been included yet… those people’s opinion I’m not so concerned with anyway.
Really, I can almost envision myself being wrapped in chains and bonds. These chains and bonds are people’s ‘opinions’. . . not even what they really think, but what I THINK they think. It’s nothing more than the enemy trying to keep me from the freedom that is in Jesus. He just whispers these lies all day every day and sometimes I get tired of fighting them and just give in and listen instead of ‘taking every thought captive’.
But after an extremely intimate and intoxicating time in the presence of God last night, I’m learning how to silence these voices once and for all. If my heart is right and pure before God, then NOTHING else matters!! His is the only opinion I should be concerned with – not my pastor, not my parents or family, not my friends.
It’s just that for so long, I’ve submitted and taken heed to the authority in my life and rightfully so. Nine times out of ten- they’re right and I’m not. However, I HAVE to listen to the voice of God for myself. They’ll all be gone one day and moreover- I need my own walk with Jesus- not theirs. This is just another lesson I learned years ago and I’m having to revisit.
Besides that, people all have their own set of deals, trials, tribulations, and afflictions to go through. Why should they be so concerned with mine?? THEY’RE NOT!! So what if they think I shouldn’t have missed the last meeting at church or shouldn’t have gone there with that person or I should’ve done whatever else. Let’s say they’re right and I’m wrong- I messed up, I missed it – guess what? There’s GRACE! I don’t allow myself that luxury for some reason.
I suppose at times I allow myself too much mercy and at other times, not enough. I’m struggling to find the balance between being obedient to the ‘law’ and walking in grace. Sometimes I know I’m screwing up in the middle of the sin and that’s when I don’t allow myself that mistake- it’s willful and intentional. (what sin isn’t when you really think about it) . . .
What I’m learning is that none of this changes who I am to Jesus. He sees me through His blood- pure and forgiven. So why is my heart so heavy with condemnation when there is no more condemnation in Christ?? Maybe it’s conviction- sometimes I don’t know the difference because I think in these last days there is no more time for messing up.
I end up hating myself. I hate falling short and the mistakes in my life. I want to be perfect as He is perfect and holy as He is holy and I feel like this is what He wants to come forth out of me . . . by His grace, I know- but how do I tangibly attain to that?
What He says about me is that He has chosen me when He’s rejected others because He sees the heart of a man and not the outward appearance. He says He won’t leave me or forsake me. He says He won’t leave me behind and He’ll do whatever it takes to have me by His side for all eternity. So why do I think I screwed all that up when I mess up? How can I change His mind when He’s already willed it to happen? The answer- I CAN’T!!
I can tell myself that all day long and it doesn’t lift the pressure off my chest or the burden off my shoulders. Only in His presence do I find that to be truth. He’s PROMISED to be my provider – Jehovah Jireh. He says to call Him Husband, not Master (in Hosea). For so long I’ve wanted a husband just so I can stop concerning myself with bills and taking care of all the ‘business’ of life. I’ve started to hold Him to His word as my husband – it’s His responsibility – not mine. He takes care of the birds- how much more will He do for me? … especially when I know it’s not about me- it’s about HIM.
No matter what circumstances or issues are going on in my life – how much more is He concerned with my life than I am? And through all these things- He’s still worthy to be praised and He’s still sovereign. “He gives and takes away – blessed be His name”.
I so long for the day when people look at me and see Jesus. He is the truth and the way – not me. It’s not about me. If I could only absorb that revelation. There is so much pride and selfishness in my heart. My pastor is doing a whole teaching this week in the Bible College about being separated and how we’re called to be alone. This is hard for me to swallow because I know it’s truth, but I don’t want to be alone anymore. I suppose I would rather be alone and content than married and miserable. The thing is – he’s not even talking about marriage or family or church – he’s talking about how walking with the Lord can be lonely and you have to do it alone . . . no one else can do it for you. I get that, but somehow the seed gets twisted by these voices in my head telling me that it’s somehow my fault I’m still single and not married or whatever . . .
How does my brain make that jump? That’s insane. I don’t think I’ve ever really thought about that, but somehow it’s ingraved in my subconscience. . . I see ugly people and really obese people with husbands and babies and I’m thinking- how’d that happen? I know that’s awful, but that’s what runs through my head . . . and yet I’m still not married. So the only logical explanation is there’s something wrong with me. That’s a LIE from the pit of hell!! I just happen to buy into it. How dumb is that?
I know in my heart of hearts God has probably just protected me from myself and a lot of heartache, but the devil twists it around into me thinking I’m not funny enough or smart enough or pretty enough. Just not enough . . . that carries over into every aspect of my life. I think everyone at church is thinking I’m not spiritual enough or involved enough. I just feel like I’m never enough for anyone. And the truth of the matter is that’s probably not true at all. I know I’ll never be the end all be all for anyone and rightly so – only Jesus holds that power. However, I am enough because He says I am.
I’m not married because my time hasn’t come for that yet. (It doesn’t help that people continue to ask why I’m not married). People are dumb. I’d like to ask them why they ask dumb questions, but I try to be sweet and humble. I need to walk in my own calling, not in another man’s. I understand I need to be faithful in another man’s before I’ll have anything of my own. However, I’m not called to BE another man. I’m called to be me- the one He created me to be. As long as I fulfill what He’s called me to do, I’ll have the same reward as Billy Graham or anyone else that has left a spiritual legacy. I just need to serve Him to the best of my ability, be obedient, and stay faithful.
It’s when I slip in any of those areas when I feel condemned. I suck all the grace out of whatever was alotted to me and then some! The couple people I actually share this with say I need to stop being so hard on myself and who cares what anyone else says or thinks! I agree - just wish my emotions would listen!
I can’t feel guilty about another man’s convictions, right? Or I shouldn’t anyway. “don’t condemn yourself in that thing in which you allow” . . . I get that, but what about laziness and procrastination, and not being diligent?? I know there’s no exceptions- all is forgiven, but I tend to be so hard on myself for missing meetings or watching tv when I should be worshipping or in the Word. There’s no time – we’re in the last days. I believe that with all my heart, so why can’t I focus? I don’t want to miss out on being part of His bride. I can’t imagine spending all of eternity looking at a closed door to His chambers thinking I had the chance to be in there and instead, I was laying on my couch watching some stupid movie or whatever. That’s probably my worst fear that no one knows. And that’s why I dislike myself so much at times because I can change, but I don’t. I need Him to do it for me – I’m still figuring out how that works.
Eventually, I will overcome the voices, lies, and deceit. I know I will because He promises it and it’s really not up to me. In the meantime, I’ll keep trying to do my best and forgive myself when I’m not.
