we all look alike July 30, 2007

As I was going through all the pictures I’ve taken of my family – aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. – I realized how much we all look alike (specifically on my mom’s side of the family).  A lot of my cousins take after the opposite side of their family as do I (sharing a lot of features with cousins on my dad’s side).

However, I realized we all have dark hair – maybe some have sandy blonde, but everyone for the most part have light brown to dark hair.  We also all have blue eyes with the exception of a small handful. 

For some reason, this intrigued me all of a sudden.

The sad thing is I have an adopted cousin that looks nothing like anyone in our family.  We love him dearly – just as if he were blood.  People comment sometimes though that they don’t know who he looks like.  His sister is identical to her mother and the rest of us favor each other, but they just can’t peg him.  It’s because he has naturally white blonde hair and blonde everything. 

My heart goes out to him too when we’re talking about family traits such as personality defects and mannerisms.  Anyway, he’s just as much family as the rest of us – he just looks a little different on the outside.

“These People” July 30, 2007

My cousins and I were just sitting around talking as usual when we’re all congregated.  Alex was mentioning how a cousin from a different side of the family (not directly related to us) had a crush on him.  He thought that was gross since we’re kin.

A different cousin mentioned after that how the girl was a cousin on the Bell side of the family and Alex is from the Priddy side of the family, so technically they’re not related.

He then said, “Technically, I’m not related to any of these people since I’m adopted.”

We just cracked up laughing.  We know he’s adopted, but we were making fun of him because of the way he said that . . . like our entire family is somehow ‘beneath’ him or something. 

He didn’t mean anything by it – but we keep shoving his foot back in his mouth every time we talk to him.  Haha!

They know EVERYTHING!! July 30, 2007

15 year old boys that is. . . mental note to self:  stop complaining about everything, but finish this blog first.

I come in contact on a somewhat frequent basis with a few of these ‘know-it-alls’.  Typically I don’t like the type and I’m related to a few grown men that have never outgrown this syndrome.  But I digress, back to the teenage geniuses . . .

They drive me absolutely bonkers!!  You can’t tell them anything they don’t already know and they don’t listen when you’re trying to share a different point of view.  They’re right and everyone else is wrong. 

Actually, now that I’m thinking of it – people go through this stage spiritually also.  We all think we are an ‘expert’ in some area of interest or another (whether we actually admit it or not).  Truth be told – there are no concrete answers for anything in my opinion.  Everything is questionable and up for discussion.  I know the truths I’ve adopted, but it took me letting my guard down and actually listening to someone else for a change.

It sort of all ties together.  No one knows everything about any particular subject and it’s annoying when you try to convince someone you do.   

Bossy People July 28, 2007

In all honesty, I think I’m on the better end of the spectrum when it comes to submitting to authority.  However, this authority must be genuine and/or earned.  My parents, a couple aunts & uncles, my bosses,  and my pastor have authority in my life to tell me what to do anytime they want.  Of course they don’t all share the same type of authority – each one different for a different aspect of my life.  Besides, I’ve learned to respect the position they hold – not necessarily the person.

With all that being said, I HATE it when people (other than the afore-mentioned) tell me what to do.  Okay, sometimes some of the people that are in a position to tell me what to do get on my nerves with it too.  I’ve gone over this many times with my mom.  I have no problem whatsoever doing anything people ask me to do when they need help with something; but that’s the key – asking.

For instance, some people in my family try to tell me what to do in a bossy manner – matter of fact.  “You’re gonna help.  Stop what you’re doing and do this.”  That doesn’t work for me.  I really don’t want to have any rebellion in me, but being told or ordered around makes me just turn and walk away and do the very opposite of what these bossy people want me to do.  Had they only asked for my help, I would’ve dropped what I was doing, lost sleep, did whatever it takes to help.

I just don’t understand not asking for help and then demanding it when you need it.  When people don’t come running to help – they get frustrated and angry with those of us that don’t help.  I just don’t get it – that’s not how I work.  If you ask for help in advance, then you’ll have it.  If people back out on you – then it’s fine to be angry and frustrated, but you just can’t expect people to help you when they have their own lives and their own agendas.  What makes yours more important?

I suppose I am on this earth to be as Jesus and serve others so I need to just stop complaining and offer to do whatever I can to help.  the end.

let’s see if I can explain July 27, 2007

My brother just introduced me to his sister. I think I’ve actually met her twice before – once when my sister had her son and then again when my brother got married.  This confuses people that my brother and sister have brothers and sisters that I’m not related to.

Let’s start from the very beginning . . . Chuck (my dad) and Nina (his first wife) had 2 children:  Charles and Karen.

Chuck and Nina divorced.

Nina remarried a man that had 2 daughters:  Diane and Carol.
Therefore, Charles and Karen had 2 step-sisters.

Nina and her new husband had 2 children together: Bobby and Sally.  Therefore, Charles, Karen, Diane, and Carol had a half-brother and half sister.

Chuck (the dad of Charles and Karen) remarried.  He and his new wife had 2 children:  Craig and Dana.

Therefore, Charles and Karen had 2 more half siblings (from their dad – not from their mom like the others) . . . which makes them not related to Chuck’s first wife, her new husband or any of their children.

At least I understand it.

‘Fat’ Clothes July 20, 2007

I’m not one of those girls that thinks she’s fat when reality suggests otherwise.  However, I have added a few pounds I’d prefer to live without.  I’m definitely not comfortable in my skin at this size.  My entire life, I’ve always been thin – sometimes too thin, but that wasn’t by choice - just the way I was built.  Now that I’m quickly approaching 30, my eating habits of ingesting mostly junk food and non-existant excercise routine hasn’t changed, but my metabolism has definitely slowed down.  So, I’m trying to be more careful about what I eat – especially the amount of junk.  Also, I know I need to start excercising -  it’s just a slow process to get into for me.

My weight has been known to fluxuate throughout my 20’s.  So I’m not really extremely concerned at this point, but there is a little red flag waving at me.  Anyway, I say all this to say that I have a wide range of clothes in different sizes.  The smallest of which I can squeeze and pour myself into when I’m thin.  Most clothes are just for my regular, normal size.  I do have some ‘fat’ clothes for the size I am now (or maybe a little larger).  The thing is it’s been so long since I’ve been this size, I had forgotten about them.  Well, I knew there were some slacks in this large size, but slacks aren’t exactly my comfort clothes.

So I was looking for some shorts in a drawer I never open because I know there’s old shorts in there that I can’t fit into at the moment.  I pulled out a couple pairs of shorts and much to my surprise – at least 4 pair of ‘fat’ jeans and pants!!!  I was ecstatic.  I had totally forgotten that I even owned them and now I’m thrilled to death! 

One more quick comment about ‘fat’ clothes.  Years ago when I had gained weight, a friend of mine had lost weight, so she gave me what she called her ‘fat’ clothes.  That makes a girl feel great.

Two Categories July 17, 2007

The conclusion I’ve come to is that every guy I’ve ever dated or been involved with ends things by saying one of two statements.  They all vary and come with different compliments and vernacular, but basically what they’re saying boils down to one of two things.  Oddly enough, I get both of these equally - not really one more than another.

The first is I’m too good for them.  Somehow my faith or independance intimidates them and they think they could never measure up.  I usually get this one from guys I just date once or twice.  This one just plain ticks me off – first because it’s just a load of crap.  If they’re not man enough to grow up or stand up to me, then I’m not interested anyway – but bottom line here is shouldn’t I be the one to decide if someone is ‘good enough’ for me or not?

The second one I get usually from guys I’m involved with.  They back out because they love me death, think all kinds of wonderful things about me, REALLY like me - but just not enough to do anything about it.  Of course, they never say that much – it’s always about them leaving someone they’re involved with or a distance issue.  I suppose this is partially my fault – I know how to pick ‘em!  I’m not sure why I tend to lean towards emotionally or physically unavailable guys, but that’s apparantly what I do.  They’re either in a relationship already or live in another state or even country. 

So in this last case, I realize I need to figure out what my deal is with guys that aren’t really a potential future someone . . . honestly, I don’t know.  I guess I figure God is a God of miracles and can do anything.  But also, I think there is a guy out there somewhere who will do whatever it takes to be with me.  The thing is – it’s not that hard.  It’s not like I’m asking the sun to revolve around the moon.  Everything is give and take though- I’m only asking that which I’m willing to give of myself in return.  That’s fair, right?

Some people say I’m too picky – but as I’ve said a billion times before:  I’d rather be alone and content enough than married and miserable.

And thus, the waiting continues . . .

women July 14, 2007

There are a few things about my gender that really upset me because it gives us all a bad name when we’re not all like that.  The same is true for most Christians, but that’s for another day.

First- I HATE it when women are controlling.  This is such a turn off for me and I don’t understand why some men gravitate towards women like this.  BE A MAN – stand up for your masculinity.  Women are the ‘weaker’ vessel and I know a lot of women don’t agree with that statement, but that’s just how we’re made. . . we’re not built the same as men, so embrace your womanhood and go on with it.

If I were a man, I would be more attracted to a woman that’s a true woman and not trying to be the same as me.  God is the head of man (and woman), but man is the head of woman.  This isn’t a bad thing if the man is a man after God’s heart.  Women are only called to be submissive ‘as unto the Lord’.  If a man is commanding you to do something ungodly, then you have every right to refuse.  Men are to love women to the point of laying down their lives for them.  That’s pretty selfless.

Anyway, a woman that is confident in being who she is is a beautiful creature.  We’re built to be emotional and nurturing.  Let the man be the man and take care of you in the areas you’re weak in.  Yes, I know, we can do everything a man can – I have and I’m tired of it.  I want to relax in areas of being the provider and logical thinker and focus on being who God intended me to be.

Moving on from that, women that use the waterworks to manipulate men really piss me off.  That’s totally unfair and just plain wrong.  If you’re crying for a reason, fine – then cry.  There’s nothing wrong with that, but don’t use that as a means to an end – in getting your way or what you want.  Just state your case – calmly and rationally and most the time you can at least come to a compromise.  I wouldn’t feel right just crying and whining to get what I want because that’s like cheating to win and that just won’t sit right with my conscience.

Ok, here’s another one – jealousy.  If your man can safely trust his heart with you, then you have absolutely nothing to be jealous of.  He’s not going anywhere or doing anything wrong if he truly loves you and trusts you.  I’ve heard the argument about how men are visual and have ‘needs’.  That’s dumb.  I know it’s different for men and women, but even for a man- being with a woman he loves is so much more than just a one night stand.  It’s not just physical.  If he’s acheiving that with you, then what’s all the jealousy about?  If that’s not the case - then you need to work on that.  He can’t trust someone that won’t trust him.  Give him a little slack.  Let men be men and have their fun with the boys – whatever that entails (not strippers).  But I guarantee if he can truly trust and respect you, no other woman compares- at least to men of honor.

I grew up as a tomboy and have always been ‘one of the guys’.  That’s fine and I actually love that about my personality.  However, I’m learning to love the feminine side too.  I like getting all made up and feeling pretty and sexy.  It’s part of being a woman.  I also enjoy wearing boxers and a tank top and feel just as pretty and sexy (well, sometimes).  My point is, it’s okay to enjoy being a woman and embrace everything that is – without usurping a man’s authority, being controlling, manipulative, and jealous.  There’s no need for all that and it really isn’t something a real man is interested in. 

Yuck! July 13, 2007

I have all these emotions and no idea what to do with them or how to deal with them.  I can’t even explain the madness behind the emotions.  I don’t know where they bubble up from or the root of the issue.  It’s so frustrating.

A friend of mine told me that a professor in one of her college classes brought in a bubble machine to class.  He cranked it up so that bubbles were filling the room and popping all over the place.  He said each one of those bubbles was a different thought or emotion that a woman has every second.  Men can’t fathom this.

My pastor’s wife is very interested in science and anatomy, so she’s always reading these books about the difference between men and women.  One of the most compelling stories she told me was how a man’s brain is like waffles – he can only think one subject at a time and he’s very focused on that.  When he’s at work- he’s working and that has absolutely nothing to do with his car or wife or church or anything else – just work.  However, a woman’s brain is like spaghetti – everything is related!!  You can’t follow one strand without connecting to hundreds of others.

I’m saying all this to say that I really don’t know what triggers some of my emotional moments.  The hormones during PMS contribute a lot, but that’s not my problem at the moment.  Also, I really try not to bottle things up inside, but sometimes we just have to do that to make it through the day.  Eventually, all that stuff has to come out someway – in my case, it’s usually tears from a troubled heart that doesn’t exactly know what’s wrong.  I could tell you the last thing I dealt with – kind of the straw that broke the camel’s back – but that’s only part of it. 

Anyway, I’m sad and in a melancholy mood.  I want to sit outside under the stars and just cry.  But it’s been raining and everything out there is wet, so I’ll stay inside.  Besides where I’m at, you never know when someone will be out there and I really don’t want to deal with people right now.

Well, if the right person were to call – I’d answer, but that only applies to a couple people.

Jumping to Conclusions July 10, 2007

This is one of my biggest downfalls… and I’m actually not as bad as other people are.  The thing is I always see the best in people and give them the benefit of the doubt.  That’s good, right?  I know other people that immediately assume the worst about people.  That’s not me.

 My problem isn’t in ‘judging’ other people in that sense as much as it is caring so much about how they think of me.  I HATE this stinkin fear of man!  Recently I’ve made a few decisions- big ones that don’t necessarily affect anyone in my immediate circle directly, but whatever . . .  point being, I allow myself to become so consumed with what ‘they’ MIGHT think.  I totally jump to conclusions about how people will respond and even if it’s positive, I think they’re really thinking something negative.

As it turns out, every response I got was genuine and understanding- no judgements involved.  However, not everyone has been included yet… those people’s opinion I’m not so concerned with anyway. 

Really, I can almost envision myself being wrapped in chains and bonds.  These chains and bonds are people’s ‘opinions’. . . not even what they really think, but what I THINK they think.  It’s nothing more than the enemy trying to keep me from the freedom that is in Jesus.  He just whispers these lies all day every day and sometimes I get tired of fighting them and just give in and listen instead of ‘taking every thought captive’. 

But after an extremely intimate and intoxicating time in the presence of God last night, I’m learning how to silence these voices once and for all.  If my heart is right and pure before God, then NOTHING else matters!!  His is the only opinion I should be concerned with – not my pastor, not my parents or family, not my friends. 

It’s just that for so long, I’ve submitted and taken heed to the authority in my life and rightfully so.  Nine times out of ten- they’re right and I’m not.  However, I HAVE to listen to the voice of God for myself.  They’ll all be gone one day and moreover- I need my own walk with Jesus- not theirs.  This is just another lesson I learned years ago and I’m having to revisit. 

Besides that, people all have their own set of deals, trials, tribulations, and afflictions to go through.  Why should they be so concerned with mine??  THEY’RE NOT!!  So what if they think I shouldn’t have missed the last meeting at church or shouldn’t have gone there with that person or I should’ve done whatever else.  Let’s say they’re right and I’m wrong- I messed up, I missed it – guess what?  There’s GRACE!  I don’t allow myself that luxury for some reason.

I suppose at times I allow myself too much mercy and at other times, not enough.  I’m struggling to find the balance between being obedient to the ‘law’ and walking in grace.  Sometimes I know I’m screwing up in the middle of the sin and that’s when I don’t allow myself that mistake- it’s willful and intentional.  (what sin isn’t when you really think about it) . . .

What I’m learning is that none of this changes who I am to Jesus.  He sees me through His blood- pure and forgiven.  So why is my heart so heavy with condemnation when there is no more condemnation in Christ??  Maybe it’s conviction- sometimes I don’t know the difference because I think in these last days there is no more time for messing up.

I end up hating myself.  I hate falling short and the mistakes in my life.  I want to be perfect as He is perfect and holy as He is holy and I feel like this is what He wants to come forth out of me . . . by His grace, I know- but how do I tangibly attain to that? 

What He says about me is that He has chosen me when He’s rejected others because He sees the heart of a man and not the outward appearance.  He says He won’t leave me or forsake me.  He says He won’t leave me behind and He’ll do whatever it takes to have me by His side for all eternity.  So why do I think I screwed all that up when I mess up?  How can I change His mind when He’s already willed it to happen?  The answer- I CAN’T!!

I can tell myself that all day long and it doesn’t lift the pressure off my chest or the burden off my shoulders.  Only in His presence do I find that to be truth.  He’s PROMISED to be my provider – Jehovah Jireh.  He says to call Him Husband, not Master (in Hosea).  For so long I’ve wanted a husband just so I can stop concerning myself with bills and taking care of all the ‘business’ of life.  I’ve started to hold Him to His word as my husband – it’s His responsibility – not mine.  He takes care of the birds- how much more will He do for me? … especially when I know it’s not about me- it’s about HIM.

No matter what circumstances or issues are going on in my life – how much more is He concerned with my life than I am?  And through all these things- He’s still worthy to be praised and He’s still sovereign.  “He gives and takes away – blessed be His name”.

I so long for the day when people look at me and see Jesus.  He is the truth and the way – not me.  It’s not about me.  If I could only absorb that revelation.  There is so much pride and selfishness in my heart.  My pastor is doing a whole teaching this week in the Bible College about being separated and how we’re called to be alone.  This is hard for me to swallow because I know it’s truth, but I don’t want to be alone anymore.  I suppose I would rather be alone and content than married and miserable.  The thing is – he’s not even talking about marriage or family or church – he’s talking about how walking with the Lord can be lonely and you have to do it alone . . . no one else can do it for you.  I get that, but somehow the seed gets twisted by these voices in my head telling me that it’s somehow my fault I’m still single and not married or whatever . . .

How does my brain make that jump?  That’s insane.  I don’t think I’ve ever really thought about that, but somehow it’s ingraved in my subconscience. . . I see ugly people and really obese people with husbands and babies and I’m thinking- how’d that happen?  I know that’s awful, but that’s what runs through my head . . . and yet I’m still not married.  So the only logical explanation is there’s something wrong with me.  That’s a LIE from the pit of hell!!  I just happen to buy into it.  How dumb is that?

I know in my heart of hearts God has probably just protected me from myself and a lot of heartache, but the devil twists it around into me thinking I’m not funny enough or smart enough or pretty enough.  Just not enough . . . that carries over into every aspect of my life.  I think everyone at church is thinking I’m not spiritual enough or involved enough.  I just feel like I’m never enough for anyone.  And the truth of the matter is that’s probably not true at all.  I know I’ll never be the end all be all for anyone and rightly so – only Jesus holds that power.  However, I am enough because He says I am.

I’m not married because my time hasn’t come for that yet.  (It doesn’t help that people continue to ask why I’m not married).  People are dumb.  I’d like to ask them why they ask dumb questions, but I try to be sweet and humble.  I need to walk in my own calling, not in another man’s.  I understand I need to be faithful in another man’s before I’ll have anything of my own.  However, I’m not called to BE another man.  I’m called to be me- the one He created me to be.  As long as I fulfill what He’s called me to do, I’ll have the same reward as Billy Graham or anyone else that has left a spiritual legacy.  I just need to serve Him to the best of my ability, be obedient, and stay faithful. 

It’s when I slip in any of those areas when I feel condemned.  I suck all the grace out of whatever was alotted to me and then some!  The couple people I actually share this with say I need to stop being so hard on myself and who cares what anyone else says or thinks!  I agree - just wish my emotions would listen!

I can’t feel guilty about another man’s convictions, right?  Or I shouldn’t anyway.  “don’t condemn yourself in that thing in which you allow” . . .  I get that, but what about laziness and procrastination, and not being diligent??  I know there’s no exceptions- all is forgiven, but I tend to be so hard on myself for missing meetings or watching tv when I should be worshipping or in the Word.  There’s no time – we’re in the last days.  I believe that with all my heart, so why can’t I focus?  I don’t want to miss out on being part of His bride.  I can’t imagine spending all of eternity looking at a closed door to His chambers thinking I had the chance to be in there and instead, I was laying on my couch watching some stupid movie or whatever.  That’s probably my worst fear that no one knows.  And that’s why I dislike myself so much at times because I can change, but I don’t.  I need Him to do it for me – I’m still figuring out how that works.

Eventually, I will overcome the voices, lies, and deceit.  I know I will because He promises it and it’s really not up to me.  In the meantime, I’ll keep trying to do my best and forgive myself when I’m not.