what I don’t say January 27, 2010

Sometimes I’m happy I don’t say everything I feel. First of all, there’s not enough time in the day to expound on all the emotions that rumble around inside me. But even if there was that much time, I don’t think it wise to vomit words. However, this post isn’t so much about wisdom as it is the changes that come which make the passing feelings null and void. For instance, last week I was thinking I never want to die and I would much rather be here on earth with my wonderful hubby in wedded bliss than to be in Heaven doing whatever it is I’ll be doing up there. But this week, I can’t stop thinking about how wonderful it will be when I finally do make it to my Home Sweet Home. There are so many things to explain these opposing emotions, but I haven’t decided if I want to spend that much time on this topic. I have so many other things I need to get done other than blogging.

I will say that I heard a song on the radio today that made me miss my dad. I went through a phase of being mad at him for the mess I had to clean up with the way he left things with my siblings, but I got over being mad and now I’m back to missing him. The Lord really had to do a work in me concerning that. Do you know how hard it is to get over being mad at someone when you can’t converse with them about it? Jesus helped me through and now I have an assurance of the state of my dad’s heart and his thoughts on the matter. So I was listening to the radio on my 20 minute drive home from work, looking to the sky and daydreaming of being up there somewhere to hug everyone. . . . and yes I can drive and daydream at the same time. Just call me daydreaming driving dana!! (enough cheese for ya?)

So I went from thinking of my dad to thinking of Dan’l. My previous post was on missing Keri so I won’t bore you with how I feel about her. I did see her sister at the funeral home a couple weeks ago. It’s so good to see her – she’s like family. Back to Dan’l - I asked my mom last week if she thought it was a bad thing for me to still miss Dan’l so much at times. We decided it’s normal. She reassured a little tiny inkling of insecurity in me that missing Dan’l doesn’t take away from my love for hubby, even though Dan’l will always have a special place in my heart. My mom also reminded me that this is the same time of year I last saw Dan’l – that was three years ago. It sounds like a long time, but I remember it so vividly. I even remember the drive in the car by myself on the way to meet him. It was a great day. We picked up like we had seen each other every day even though it had been close to 10 years (I think).

Anyway, back to my original point – I think the part of me that didn’t want to leave here and go there was because I’m so in love with my life right now and nothing there seemed like home or comfortable.  No one there could make me fee the way I do with hubby and I don’t ever want to leave him. Now I know all I have to do is just take a minute to remember everyone that’s there – in detail – especially my sweet Jesus. He’s the only one I’d ever consider leaving hubby to go be with.

Just a sidenote – I love how I’m talking like I have a choice about if or when I go. It’s a part of living in dana-world, but that’s a whole other post . . .

Keri and Christmas December 19, 2009

This Christmas especially, I’ve been missing my friend Keri. She would’ve been 30 years old this year, but lucky for her – she will always be remembered as 18! Still wish I knew the 30 year old version of her though. Twelve years ago though, she loved penguins. I realized this holiday season that I have not one, but two pair of Christmas penguin socks. Speaking of penguins, hubby didn’t have a stocking of his own so I told him to pick out whatever he wanted. He got this bright colored stocking with a huge snowman on it which totally clashed with my traditional stocking my mother picked out when I was younger, so I got one for me too . . . but I got a bright colored stocking with a penguin!! I always think of Keri when a penguin crosses my path.

I thought of Keri too when we got our Christmas tree. Keri’s dad would always take her out in the woods and let her choose the tree, then he would cut it down and that would be their Christmas tree. I don’t think he did that anymore after Keri died and they’ve had a fake tree ever since, but still the past couple years – Keri’s mom hasn’t even had Keri’s dad to share Christmas with either. The cool thing is that Keri’s mom puts up a tree in what was Keri’s room with all angels and dancers on it. It’s very pretty.

So the other night, I was watching So You Think You Can Dance – one of my all time faves. There was one dance where the guy (Russell) was a troubled soul – or I just interpreted it as a man missing someone who had died and the girl (Ashleigh) was an angel constantly helping him with his struggle. However, the dance made tears stream down my cheeks because the dance was very reminiscent of Keri’s style and movement when she danced. I know she’s not an angel now, but it just spoke to my spirit about how she might somehow be encouraging me from the other side or something. Sounds cheesy, huh?

And then the snow fell yesterday and I was left with warm memories of my childhood friend. I’ve been sledding a few times with some of my other friends, but I can’t count the many times my brother & I went sledding with Keri & her sister. It’s kind of hard to explain how the roads work, but basically they lived across a field from us, so we just had to walk to their house or they would walk to ours to go sledding when we had a big snow – which was often when we were growing up. My dad one year made a curvy slide out of snow that started at our driveway, wrapped around the house and landed us in the back yard. It took a while for him to make, but we were SO thrilled after the wait was over. It was worth it. The only thing that didn’t work that year was when we all decided to lay on top of each other – like a quadruple sandwich. We had a big push (probably from my dad – I don’t recall), but since we were so heavy we didn’t make the curve and instead flew off the bank which was about a 6 foot drop and then landed. It knocked the breath out of all of us! My poor brother – we put him on the bottom. The most recent time we went sledding was in high school. I walked to her house that day with my sleds since they lived on this road with this HUGE hill. I always bundle up so well that I get hot and sweaty and winded very easily. I made it halfway across the field and just sat there. Precious Keri came to meet me from her house and pulled the sleds the rest of the way.

I miss my friend.

Luxury November 16, 2009

I wanted to note all the things I have now that I didn’t have at our old place – just to remind me to continue to be grateful.

Walls inside that make rooms
More than 1 bathroom
Dishwasher
Ice maker
Washer/Dryer
Garbage Disposal
Double Sink
Front and back doors
Seasons
Cook Out
Bathtub
Storage

There’s only a few things missing that I used to have and are no more, like family and friends in the same town, Dick’s Wings (I miss you), a yard for the dog, couches. That’s about it.

Our Three Honeymoons November 4, 2009

I really only wanted to write this so I wouldn’t ever forget. Now, if I can only remember that I once had a blog . . .

Honeymoon #1 – Orlando

We were married Saturday, May 2nd of 2009 at 4:30 pm at the Bell Farm in Harleyville, SC. After the reception, we drove back to our apartment in Jacksonville, FL to spend our first married night together. The next morning, we arose and traveled 2.5 hours to Orlando, FL where we checked in at a Time Share thingy. We were given our appointment to meet with someone to listen to all the benefits of owning a time share and went to unpack in our nice 2 bed, 2 bath room with a jacuzzi tub and flat screen tvs. There was also a kitchen and den area.

During our three day stay there, we played putt-putt, went to the movies, spend a day at Islands of Adventure, went out to eat, rented a movie or two, went out to eat more, listened to a woman try and sell us a time share, stopped to ask the price of bunjee jumping (for hubby only, I’m a scardy cat) and then eventually came home where we opened presents and watched our wedding video.

Honeymoon #2 – Key Largo, FL

This one was only sort of a honeymoon, and mostly not really one at all. Hubby’s family went on vacation together to Key Largo at the end of July of 2009 and we tagged along to join in on all that family fun. His parents rented a house right on a canal there. We went out to eat once, but mostly his mom cooked dinner and his brother & sister in law cooked too. We spent the first few nights in the loft and then switched with the brother & sister in law for the bedroom with the tv the last part of the week. We went on a glass bottom boat tour that really wasn’t as fun as I had hoped, snorkeling which was awesome, sort of deep sea fishing where I caught a little guy and hubby caught 4 eel that were gross and snake-like. We played games with his family and I think that’s about it.

Honeymoon #3 – Montana (our REAL honeymoon)

This trip was meant to be taken in July, but due to miscommunication with the people we were booking with, we had to wait until October of 2009. We had fun and plan to go back – in the summer. We had our own cabin that was 2 bed, 2 bath with a loft, kitchen, den, and hot tub outside on the deck. We enjoyed a fire made with real firewood nearly every evening. We travelled all over the Flathead Valley and ate steak almost every day. We loved the little hole in the wall restaurants. Once I had a buffalo steak and hubby had an elk burger. We went shopping at the neatest antique/consignment shop where we found some great Norman Rockwell stuff. We even took a day to drive over to Idaho to see my uncle and he fed us steak! We went to play frisbee golf and enjoyed the racoons and deer in his front yard. There was a cold snap while we were there, the coldest temperatures in 30 years! We went on a 4 hour horseback riding tour in 7 to 12 degree weather. We had a hot air balloon ride scheduled but the weather wasn’t condusive to flying so we were considering a helicopter tour but it was rainy and cloudy by the end of the week so that was a no go too. We did make it ino Glacier National Park one day annd spent a lot of time driving on the Going to the Sun road, but it was closed halfway through so we did some off roading on scary dirt roads that hugged a cliff. We went to see a Hungry Horse Dam which isn’t much different than Hoover Dam, but hubby had never seen a dam either way so he was excited. We took lots of beautiful pictures and went to the movies one day. We even went to a cemetery where my Grandfather is buried, but we couldn’t find his headstone because there was about 6 inches of snow covering the whole park.

When we go back, we want to go white water rafting, mountain biking, horseback riding, hot air ballooning, and all the fun outdoorsy things we couldn’t do due to the cold. We almost went hiking one day, but didn’t quite make it. We’d like to go on horseback to see the actual glaciers, but hiking uphill didn’t sound very exciting . . . more like tiring.

Oh, and we stayed 7 hours away from the airport, so we really did get a wonderful scenic tour of a lot of Montana. It was wonderful and we had a blast. Even though it may not sound fun – we had the time of our lives!

Freedom Revisited November 4, 2009

So I am going to finish what I started (as I pat myself on the back).  A few posts earlier I started a blog about freedom but then had to leave the computer abruptly as is the norm now. Although we have three working computers, only one is connected to the internet now due to a wireless router issue. We found a way around it though and now we have both laptops going.

I do plan to talk about freedom, just let me ramble, k? Now that we are comfortably situated here in my beautiful NC, I have had time to stop and smell the roses… or at least this cool crisp air! I didn’t realize what  a hellacious year I’ve had. Honestly, I didn’t even think about everything I was going through until after I was through it. There’s still maybe a little hurdle to jump, but after this past year it looks more like a molehill.

We made a surprise visit down to Jax to see a guest speaker at our church there. It was phenomenal! However, we stayed until Tuesday when the last church meeting was Sunday so we could spend time with our family and friends. That was fine, but we were SOO ready to come HOME. It’s amazing how much a place can feel like home when you know that’s the place you’re supposed to be. We miss our friends and family – sometimes a lot. But there is no place else we would rather be.

Since being here, neither of us have had jobs and our rent is still paid! That’s only one small reason we know we are in God’s will – His provision speaks for itself! Anyway, we feel that one reason we have been jobless is so we could travel to Montana for our honeymoon and go down to Jax for the meetings, but mostly to help out the pastor and his wife here. They both are working and would have no other help with their kids. Now that one of their jobs is slowing down, I might possibly be starting work. It’s all so divine!

I’m kind of just swimming around here and don’t really have much of a point to get to. I had doubts about being here for a while. Hubby was always sure. I was sure too in my heart, but sometimes the voices in my head influence my thinking abilities. After our trip to Jax, there’s no doubt in my mind. I am in my place. Also, being jobless and on this adventure has been wonderful for our marriage. We have had the opportunity to spend SO much time together. The pastor’s car has been broken so we lent him mine and hubby and I even have to go everywhere together in the same car. It’s been wonderful!

I told my mother that I feel like a kid that’s just gone off to college. I finally get to be on my own and use all the wisdom and discernment I’ve learned over the years from my pastor and others that have laid their lives down to pour spiritual riches into my life. I get to actually use that stuff in real life situations. It’s not like I never did before, but I’m the type of person that will sit back and let others do the work if they want to. Here, on my own so to speak, I am not spoon fed. I have to get it for myself . . . and I can due to what I’ve been taught.

Before we moved, I didn’t realize how suffocated I felt. That was no one’s fault at all. That just happens when you continue to grow and keep the same coat and shoes. It was time for me to go out and get new clothes that I can grow into. It’s so comfortable and free! I am free to search avenues of discovery and learn from other streams of belief. I am deeply grounded and rooted in the theology I was raised on. I own it now. I’m just saying that it’s nice to have the freedom to explore and not feel guilty or like I’m being unloyal to a particular belief system. I enjoy listening to different speakers and music and people that have had their own walk with the Lord for many many years. I don’t always agree and usually take the stance of what I’ve been taught – not because I believed at face value, but because I’ve proven it and walked in it. The revelation shown to me became my own revelation when I saw it unfold in my life experiences. I’m not trying to change my mind about anything I believe – I’m only trying to develop it further.

Not only that, but in being married I don’t feel such a deep need to prove myself to anyone or seek out approval for every decision. Trust me, I do still need accountability in my life and appreciate the wisdom of my pastor. I also sometimes struggle with wanting his approval. But most of the time, I know my husband is my biggest encourager, ultimate protector, and closest friend on earth. He has become my sidekick on this journey and we have so much fun figuring it out on our own.

I’m not sure I’m being very clear about this new found freedom, but I don’t really have any words to express it. I’m doing my best with the words I know – they just seem to be getting all jumbled up and confused once leaving my fingertips. I don’t want to sound at all like I’m leaving the path less traveled. I love the path that leads to righteousness and redemption. The path paved with suffering and dealings and hedged by joy and peace is the only road I ever want to be on. Only now, I find myself actually enjoying it. I love being in the way God has me. It’s not always easy and often I question circumstances in my life because circumstances are almost always louder than faith. The world we see influences so many people rather than the Word of God. I choose His Word, His promises, His way. In His life, I find true liberty, joy, peace, fulfillment, and utter happiness and contentment.

 

Name Calling October 20, 2009

The hubby and I never call each other by our given names. We both call each other Sweetheart, My Love, and Baby. He sometimes calls me Honey or Mama (one of my personal faves). The point is that we never say each other’s name – well mostly never. Twice this week I’ve been in a different room and said “Wi-ill” and he of course came promptly because he thought something was wrong with me. I did need him both times but only one of those times was close to being an emergency. I really didn’t even mean to sound like I was in harm’s way but according to him that’s exactly how I sounded. He didn’t like it.

The only other time we say each other’s names are when we are let’s say – not quite in agreement about something while being in a not so wonderful mood. Yesterday, hubby said my name while in a heated discussion and I did not appreciate it at all. I let him know by saying his name in the same tone after my rebuttal. He then said, “Don’t ever say my name again!” which is similar to my “Don’t say my name!” when he says my name. I guess we could call each other a lot worse like jerk-face or heiffer, but our name calling is simply reduced to our names.

The End.

I LOVE . . . October 19, 2009

This morning when I woke up I was thinking of lots of things I love, like . . .

waking up and going to bed every day with my best friend.

spending time with family.

ice cream.

being married.

being a mom to the best dog in the world.

divine friendships the Lord has given me.

thinking about Heaven and what my family and friends are doing there right now.

going to the movies.

Guiding Light, Golden Girls, Anne of Green Gables.

having someone scratch my back or play with my hair.

a child falling asleep in my arms.

sunsets.

God’s favor in my life.

country music.

long baths.

my favorite holidays (which includes my birthday).

playing different instruments and singing.

writing.

sitting in front of a fire wrapped in a blanket sipping some hot chocolate.

the smell of fresh cut grass or gasoline.

looking at the stars.

JESUS.

Mostly, I LOVE LIVING MY LIFE!!

Freedom October 8, 2009

I don’t have time to write – I’m always in a rush these days . . . well, when I’m on the computer anyway. I did just want to write a quick little blurp about the freedom I’ve found and been experiencing since my move to NC. I feel free to discover who I am and what my calling is instead of trying to fit into a mold. I am beyond grateful for what I’ve been given in reation to my foundation in the Lord. I wouldn’t be able to fly if it weren’t for that. But now I have the gift of flying without limits. It is exciting and thrilling and a bit scary.

argh – I have to go, but want to revisit and complete my thoughts on this – hopefully I’ll find the time. But if I don’t – I’ll go ahead and publish this little tiny icecap of a thought.

What I’m Not September 12, 2009

I’m not one of those people that is super cheerful all the time. I don’t have many natural talents or abilities. Idon’t always look at myself for who I really am, rather I look at those around me and see what I’m not. The Bible says it is not wise to compare ourselves. I suppose it is a natural instinct because how else are we supposed to know how we measure up? Yet, that is not wisdom and is definitely not God’s best or highest for us.

I look at what I want to be and realize I am not the answer to many problems I’d like to solve for people. I am no one’s healer. I am no one’s savior. In my heart of hearts, I long to be that person though – something I’m not. There are several people in my life that struggle so badly to be who they are or who they want to be instead of the picture perfect person they are expected to be. I wish I could help, but I cannot.

It could be quite depressing to dwell on what I’m not and what I can’t do, so I’ve decided to shift gears and change focus. A few days ago, the Lord really met me in a dark deep pit I was in. The ironic thing is, I thought I was on my way up a mountain. We are never too far from the Grace of God. David wrote a Psalm about how even if I make my bed in Hell, He is there with me. There are just so many other things I would rather be than what Iam. Well, not that I would rather be that, but I would like to add those aspects to my current condition and character. I would love for everything I touch to turn to sunshine and I want to color this world with peace, joy, love, happiness, etc.

I am not a liar. Other than being completely honest with Jesus, I strive to be honest with myself and then others. I am not a murderer or a cheater or an adulterer. I am not a lot of things.

What I am is a child of God – His princess. I don’t have to be anything more than that. I don’t have to mark this world with a legacy of hope and change. I am HIS. I belong to HIM. He is my Master, Savior, Husband, Teacher, Deliverer, Restorer, Father, Protector, Provider. Instead of focusing on what I am not, I choose to focus on what HE is. When I see who He really is – I realize who and what I am. No, I am not all those things I wish I could be, I am much more. I am His Beloved. I am the apple of His eye.

So if no one else or even myself ever recognizes the few gifts and talents the Lord has bestowed upon me, I am confident in this - I am a child of God’s. I will not go without. He is every answer I need.

Perfect Date August 27, 2009

The other night, hubby came down the stairs around 9pm to announce that he was hungry, he found a recipe, and he was going to the store to get the ingredients (he invited me along). So off we go to the grocery store to shop for goodies for an Italian pasta and we also rented a movie from Redbox - our best friend. By the time we got home, cooked dinner together (he took care of the pasta while I made the salad and garlic bread), and sat down at a candle-lit table to eat, it was about 10:30pm. It was a delightful meal accompanied by a toast given by my hubby – to me and the most wonderful conversation. We sat and talked for a while after we finished eating before taking all the dishes in the kitchen. We decided to leave them there until morning and retreated to snuggle on the couch while watching the movie.

We realized during our meal that we were grown ups in a grown up house eating a grown up meal. That’s the first time I think it’s really hit us that we’re married, very happily so, and living a grown up life. We both got teary-eyed at different points during the meal because we are so completely satisfied and happy with our life together. It was totally spontanious and we were at home, but it was the most perfect date I could’ve ever imagined.